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I love the idea of having friends. A support system of people, a gang to go to Applebee’s with, generally more high-fives, and a sense of wellbeing. In theory, it’s great. But when it comes to actually having friends, it ends up being a lot of work. It’s even more work when people you don’t want to be friends with try to seek out your company. Case-in-point: coworkers.
Happy hours and drinks have been an after work form of torture for as long as there’s been work (I don’t actually have factual evidence of this). Your 9-5 day suddenly becomes a 9-8 day and the next thing you know, you’re dead. So, if you’re one of us shitty people who don’t want to befriend Jane from HR and Kyle from accounting, here are a few ways to get out of any outside of work relationships.
1. Get A Pet
The easiest and cutest way to get out of doing things is by getting a pet. Whether you get a fresh-from-the-womb puppy or bitch out and get a cat, something fuzzy and cuddly is an easy “get out of doing things” excuse. You can’t just extend your day by hours because you had an adorable lab that needs to be let out and loved on. You can’t be expected to get drunk on a Wednesday because your incontinent, rescued spaniel needs you. Having something you can take a picture of and shove in the face of your cubical mates is an easy way to say, “I’d rather pick up the shit of my non-human piece of property than have a beer with you.”
2. Get A Significant Other
Sure, it’s an annoying excuse, but it’s one that’s hard to argue with. Pretend you and your SO have a really packed calendar (or actually make a packed calendar – your life), and whenever you’re invited out, just make a show of “checking if you have plans.” Sure, you’ll have to drag your ride or die down for this to work, but that’s the foundation of any true relationship. Besides, this is where the “die” part comes in. Slander their reputation to get out of anything and everything. Just don’t be surprised when everyone in the office hates your gf/bf at the holiday party.
3. Get A Second “Job”
This might seem counterintuitive, but it works like a charm. Make up a sob story about why you need an extra job. If you have a real sob story (medical bills, a sick family member, crippling debt), lucky you! Exploit the shit out of it. Then, pick up an extra side job doing something fun or mindless. Be a bartender, dog walker, or do some sort of manual labor. Everyone at both jobs will feel bad for you, you’ll never have to do anything you don’t want to do, and you’ll be able to pay off some more of your student loans. Win-win. Or, you could just lie and say you have an extra job. I’m not here to pass judgment, just to pass on making plans with people.
4. Sustain Some Sort of Injury
Some people don’t like pity, which is a shame, because pity can really do wonders when you just want to go home at 5:01 p.m. every day. Having an injury might be the ultimate secret to getting out of just about anything. Break a bone, have internal bleeding, or just pull the classic “I get migraines a lot and they’re not sure if it’s serious but it’s really painful and debilitating.” They’ll feel like assholes for trying to guilt you into doing something you don’t want to do, and you’ll only be sent to the 7th or 8th circle of hell. Not a bad trade.
5. Just Quit Your Job
So, maybe you got the pet, the SO, the second job, and you broke your spine, and your shitty coworkers still try to infused themselves in your life. Or, maybe you’re just a lazy garbage human. Either way, if might just come down to this: You need to quit your job. The only way to truly avoid these people, truly get out of building relationships with them, and truly get home by 5:32 p.m. every day is to just cut your losses and file for unemployment.
Sure, you could just befriend these people, but at what cost? .
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Rachel Varina
if it doesn't have snack or seats, i'm not there. hate mail/Sunny references can be sent to itsrachelvarina@gmail.com
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“I have to return some video tapes”
That’s my go-to
Saying you’re busy and not explaining why. PGPM.
I ran this move on a coworkers baby’s Bday party this week. They seem distant now.
Is there anything worse than the follow up question, “oh whatcha got going on?” Umm, none of your business Greg from accounting, go fuck yourself
“Hey, my kid’s bday party is this-”
“Sorry, I’m busy.”
“I didn’t say what day it was…”
“Oh, when is it?”
“It’s on the twenty-”
“Yeah, I’m busy.”
That’s exactly what happened. “I didn’t tell you the day yet,” earnest co. yaps. “I know,” I say as I try to set boundaries.
“I can’t, I have errands to run.”
*Goes home and drinks alone*
the classic “errands” or “appointment” are both solid options
real question is….who actually works 9-5? i want to be one of those people.
I’m so far from that I can’t even imagine what I would do with all that free time
Seriously, I would like my 11 hour days more if 3 of them could be spent drinking with my coworkers
“The Ol 9-5 grind” was the biggest lie perpetuated to us when we were younger
I do. And it’s great.
although i spend so much time in target that i might as well work there 🙂
that’s bc you work at target, target lady!
Must be nice
I do 10-5 cuz it’s Dad’s business, he refuses to retire. Makes time for my side hustles & kids though.
Where is everyone getting jobs that actually require them to work more than 8 hours? The only people I see doing this are people that don’t know how to turn down extra work or are obsessed with working.
Guys, this somewhat has something to do with this article…I am dedicating my comments today to spread awareness of environmental issues. I missed Earth Day because I was too busy being a sanctimonious douchebag by guilt shaming people into caring about eco-friendly initiatives. Okay, here we go….Please cut up your fucking 6-pack holders before you throw them away so that they don’t strangle a seagull or a dolphin when they ultimately get flushed out into the ocean lol. Thanks
Where do you find the time to write high caliber comments on every post?
Shit just comes to me as I sit here and overlook analytics charts for a mobile app. Plus my brain is probably fucked up….or extremely aware. I can’t really tell anymore
Shouts to Saltwater Brewery for their biodegradable and edible 6-pack rings! Demand it at your local bar.
Fitting UN for the comment
This is the most literal time I’ll ever say, “I need this yesterday.”
6. Move far enough from work/happy hours that you need to drive home sober. Did it last year and *chef kissy fingers thing*
6) Live Really Far from Where You Work
This has gotten me out of legit every work function I didn’t want to go to.
The Pet excuse doesn’t work well in Charlotte as every brewery is dog friendly. (You could drink uptown like a pretentious douche but why do that when there is a patio, beer and dogs at a brewery?)
Before now, I never realized that dogs are exactly what I’m missing at my local breweries.
6. Join a vanpool so you have to leave on time everyday otherwise you’ll have no ride home. Pray that they don’t offer to drop you off if you go and if they do, well shit…