How To Drink A Lunch Beer Like An Adult

======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====

Recently, one of my colleagues was laid off. It was sad and unfair, but that’s often how the corporate cookie crumbles.

Not only was this guy my first real officemate, he was in a lot of ways my mentor through the past year and a half. On top of that, he is also one of the classiest men I know. He departed from the company with more grace than a prima ballerina. No fuss, no overly emotional goodbye email — just a tasteful goodbye to our colleagues which left the entire firm wishing he could stay on board.

Upon his departure, myself and my boss took our dearly departed colleague for a final farewell lunch. We chose a corporate restaurant not far from our office, but just enough off the beaten path that we could shoot our final shit without being interrupted by colleagues on their lunch break.

Now, generally speaking, I do not drink during the workday. Yes, I know, #lunchbeers and all – but your girl gets sleepy! Sue me!

That being said, there was no way I was going to pass up on a couple of IPAs to bid my office mate adieu. That would have been downright rude. He’s a good man and deserves to be saluted as such.

Over the course of an extended hour and a half lunch, I consumed a delightful shrimp salad and two rather heavy IPAs. Could I have stopped at one? Sure. But I like to keep up with the guys, especially when the mood is particularly sentimental.

As we walked back to the office, I wouldn’t say I was “drunk” but I wasn’t exactly prepared to operate any heavy machinery either. And let me tell you, I was getting sleepy and I was getting sleepy fast. I still had a few reports to write and one very long briefing to read that I already knew would require heavy-handed track changes so coasting into 6 p.m. wasn’t an option.

I had to put on my big girl pants and rebound fast. Here’s how I made it happen (without stimulants, because TBH I’ve never touched the stuff).

Immediately drink liquids upon arrival.

First things first: crush dat Nalgene. Walk right into your office, unscrew the lid of your reusable water bottle, and slam whatever water you have left. This is not to hydrate, but rather to ensure that you will have to get up and urinate in the next 30 minutes. A trip to the facilities works wonders in eliminating any possibility that you will get too comfortable in your work chair and doze off to the sound of all the other office drones click-clacking around you.

Once you’ve consumed 40 ounces or more of purified H2O, mainline the coffee. I don’t care if it’s 4 o’clock, you need this. Get that shitty french roast into your system ASAP. Not only does it facilitate a caffeine bitch slap, but it ensures you don’t smell like beer when your regional manager leans over to check out the latest numbers.

Make happy hour plans as soon as humanly possible.

It is imperative you plan your next drink. There’s nothing more depressing than coming down from an afternoon buzz than grinding through spreadsheets with no light at the end of the tunnel. Three hours of conference calls is a hell of a lot more manageable when you know there’s a $6 vodka-soda and some sliders in the near future.

Headphones in, no music.

You really shouldn’t be talking to anyone right now. Sure, you may not say anything stupid, but you’re damn sure not going to say anything fantastically intelligent either. It’s best you just stay in your lane until COB, cowboy. Hell, maybe organize your inbox while you’re at it.

The best way to detract from any potential boozy conversations with your co-workers is the ol’ headphones trick. Make them think you’re on yet another 45 person conference call with finance and, while you would love to, you probably shouldn’t chat while the higher-ups are going over next year’s targets. Sorry, Philip!

Standing. Desk.

I have used my standing desk all of three times since I obtained it. 1) When I accidentally on purpose drank too much champagne at an in-office baby shower, 2) When I joined a tennis league and realized office dwelling had obliterated any and all leg muscles I once had, and 3) Just now after a few casual lunch beers. I’m telling you, the potential for an accidental desk nap is so real – if you have the luxury, force yourself to stand by any means necessary.

Hot Sauce, hand sanitizer, or other strong smells

At this point, you’re desperate. It’s 4:00 and any minute your boss is going to call you in for a briefing. If you don’t do something drastic, there is no chance you’re staying attentive and engaged the whole length of the meeting. My advice? Keep yourself activated with any aggressively strong smell you can find. I’m not suggesting you pour a few drops of hot sauce on your tongue, but I’m also not not suggesting it. Hand sanitizer also works. Not in the mouth, but gently spritzed on the hands, collarbone, and behind the ears. You know, so I’ve heard.

So, that’s that. Go get your lunch beer and go get it hard. Whether or not you’re saying farewell to a lovely colleague, or have just had enough with Susan in accounting – I don’t begrudge any human out there a lunch beer. All I ask is, post lunch beverage, handle your shit responsibly. Don’t fall asleep at your desk and ruin it for the rest of us. We’re better than that, fam. .

Fan of lunch beers? Us too. Find all our lunch beers merch from shirts to mugs over at The Grandex Shop.

33

Respond

Email this to a friend

Hey, I saw this on Post Grad Problems. Check it out.

CallMeVictoria

Life is messy, let's get dirty. itwasvictoria@gmail.com

• @callmevictoria
• @itwasvictoria