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Between the cookies, the carbs, and the cold weather, it’s no wonder most of us just throw ourselves face-first into the fat life during the blissful time between Thanksgiving and New Years. And boy, it sure was fun while it lasted. But now, as we enter the new year, blinking into the harsh lighting of reality and glancing down at our puffy bodies, it’s starting to dawn on us: Shit. We like, actually got fat.
And so, if you packed on the pounds this season, don’t worry! Most of us are gluttonous pigs who can no longer fit into things that button or zip. Here’s a breakdown of how much weight you gained over the past few months and what it says about you, because if we’re all fat and gross, at least it’s not as bad, right?
You just gave up, didn’t you? I mean, I don’t blame you. One glance at your mom’s famous peanut butter kiss cookies and you decided that you did, in fact, deserve to treat yoself. And then you kept treating yoself, and treating yoself, and treating yoself. Sure, you realized it was getting out of control when your pants stopped being able to zip but you figured it was just because your fingers were frozen. Self-control has never been your strong suit, and while you swore you’d start eating healthy come January 1st, Monday came and went, and you were still snuggled up on the couch, eating chips and dip and downing the rest of the Champagne you had in your house. While vanity, health, or living a long life isn’t exactly your thing, enjoying yourself sure is. And while you might die earlier and fatter than the rest of us, at least you’re happy, right?
I mean, at least you’re not in the highest category, right? Your tightfitting clothes don’t look as good as they used to, and you might actually have to use your gym membership to get down to a weight you’re comfortable with before beach season. Sure, you stuffed your face for a good two weeks straight. But the whole time you knew it was a mistake. You knew you’d regret it. While you like to have your wild streak, your logical side was yelling at you, declaring that you were throwing away all of the hard work you put in to get down to your goal weight in the first place. While you like being a little bad, you most likely regret it for months after and replay what you could have done differently. Like, get the veggies instead of the fries. Overthinking is fun, isn’t it?
The most understandable of the categories, this is the one most of us fall into if we did things right. Your parents picked up the tab at dinner every night so sure, you’ll have an extra glass or three of wine. And yeah, let’s take a peek at the dessert menu. Why not? Your mom offered to make you a sandwich each and every day for lunch, as well as hand you one of your dad’s expensive ass stouts to wash it down? Psh, like you’re going to say no. Sure, you maybe had a salad or two, and you did the occasional physical activity, like going on a hike or bike ride, but fitness and eating healthy weren’t exactly your first thought when you reached for a second helping of your gran’s cobbler. You know that the point of life is enjoying it. And if you have to cut back for a month after to make up for the damage you did, well, it was worth it.
At this age, most of us gain three pounds just by looking at a slice of bread. Actually eating it? Hell, you’ll be up at least five. Still, you understand the general principals of self-control, moderation, and declining third helpings at most functions. Your clothes still fit, and you don’t look very different. Yeah, you might feel a little sluggish, but nothing a week of veggies and chicken breast can’t fix. You managed to enjoy the holiday to some extent and avoided entering a whole other weight class. You are who we strive to be.
Let me guess — you didn’t miss a workout, did you? Or if you did, you decided to do yoga with mom or go kayaking with dad, so you still got plenty of physical activity. You had a cookie or two, and you indulged in Christmas Eve dinner, but the rest of the time? You managed to still eat pretty healthy. You had an extra glass of wine at dinner, but you made sure to hydrate and add an extra five minutes to your run the next morning (do people add time to their runs? Or just miles? I don’t know how that whole activity works). Any weight you gained is basically water weight, and it’s almost like you didn’t even spend the holidays stuffing your face and hating yourself. Oh, that’s right. You didn’t.
Maybe you don’t like dessert. Maybe bread and stuffing and cheese and wine and the nice ass beer your dad stocks the fridge with don’t call to you. Maybe you, dare I say, enjoy, working out. Maybe you don’t like fun. Maybe you think (correctly, I might add) that you’re better than the rest of us scum who go into a feeding frenzy once the passed apps come out. Whatever it is, you’ve managed to avoid any holiday weight gain and for that, we all hate you.
You Lost Weight
Go fuck yourself..