How A Disinterested Girl Makes Her Picks In A Fantasy Football Draft

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It’s almost fall, so that means it’s also almost time for Pumpkin Spice Lattes, big comfy sweaters, and (my personal favorite) football season. If you’re like me, your college friends/office mates/distant cousins have been bugging you to join their fantasy football league for a few years now and you’ve been resisting. You said things like “I don’t have time for that!” and “That’s money I’d rather spend on a new pair of knee-high boots to go with my wool leggings!”

But now that your social life is so dead that you actually have both the time and the money to commit to a fantasy league, you finally cave in. And why not? If you’re already a football fan, playing fantasy adds a little something extra to the Sundays you already spend sitting on the couch staring at the games while eating your weight in buffalo wings. If you’re not…well, it at least gives you something to talk about with that hot guy from the office that you “accidentally” bump into in the kitchen every day.

Now, I can’t claim to be a disinterested girl when it comes to fantasy football. Last year was my first experience playing full-on fantasy after years of participating in a pick ‘em league and I freaking LOVED it. For a Type-A football loving person such as myself, the idea of sitting down and examining stats, trading and benching people, and watching the points during games is almost thrilling to me. (Yeah, I know I need to get a life.) But if you aren’t quite the fanatic I am, it can be difficult to know who to pick for each position when draft time rolls around. So if you are the disinterested girl who simply signed up so she could go to the draft party and drink with hot Josh from Accounting, here are some tips.

Be a Homer. It’s no secret that I’m a Patriots fan. So obviously, last year I picked Tom Brady in the first round as my quarterback. Now, that decision was scoffed at by some people, but Mr. Four Super Bowl rings performed just fine for me, as did the Patriots defense and Stephen Gostkowski. So if you want to be a homer, simply pick the highest-ranked person available for each position from your home team and let the chips fall where they may. You may wind up at the bottom of the rankings, but at least you can feel good about your sense of loyalty.

Be True To Your School. If you went to a school that had a semi-decent football program, odds are your school has some players in the NFL, and it could be sort of fun to create a team of people who have the same school pride you do. Of course, it can always bite you in the ass, like it did last year when I picked wide receiver Victor Cruz in the early rounds because we went to the same school for undergrad and he went out in the sixth game of the season with a torn patellar tendon. Bastard. That’s what I get for picking anyone that plays for the Giants.

Go With The Old Stand-By… Looks. The default fall back for picking dudes for anything – whether it be for the background on your computer or your date to your ex’s wedding – is hotness. And your fantasy football draft is no exception. If you need some help, go check out my ranking of the 11 Hottest NFL Players on Instagram from last year. And if you don’t pick the Jets’ Eric Decker as one of your wide receivers based off that, please just stop reading now because you are not my kind of person.

Pick Your Favorite Products. Ok, so you don’t know a lot about football, but you do know a lot about shopping? Use that knowledge to your benefit and pick players based on the products they endorse, which is particularly helpful in the prime position of quarterback. You like Pepsi? Detroit Lions’ Matthew Stafford is your man. Papa John’s is your pizza of choice? Go with Bronco’s QB Payton Manning. Think those “Discount Double Check” commercials are funny? Green Bay’s Aaron Rodgers is your passer of choice. If I didn’t hate him so much, I’d pick Eli Manning simply because he endorses Dunkin’ Donuts.

Auto-Draft. If your draft is virtual instead of in-person, just go ahead and set it to auto-draft, crack open a bottle of Moscato and watch that Law & Order: SVU marathon while your computer does all the work. You’ll likely do better than the people that spent hours studying their picks anyway. .

Image via Shutterstock

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Jenna Crowley

Jenna used to be known as 2NOTBrokeGirls, but then one of the girls actually went broke, so she's struck out on her own. Jenna spends her free time saving the world, one sorority girl at a time (usually while wearing yoga pants), questioning why she decided to get a doctorate, documenting her love of all things cheese related, and hosting the new PGP podcast Don't Take It From Us. You can ask her anything you want about football, using your boobs to get what you want, and pizza at @JennaLCrowley on Twitter or via email at JennaLCrowley@gmail.com.

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