Hooking Up In College: Through The Years

Freshman Year


Like, ohmigawd. Aaron from ENG 100 invited me to his frat party tonight and, like, I’m not sure if I should go. I hear they roofie girls there. But, he’s different. Right? Of course he is. Plus, he’s so hot and I think I heard him say on the first day of class that he was the quarterback for his high school football team. I’ll just bring Kelly, and if things get too weird, we’ll just leave.

Oh God, things got so weird last night. Where am I? More importantly, where is my bra? Wait. You’re not Aaron. Who are you? Where is Kelly? Oh, you’re not hideous. What’s your name? Maybe you’ll like me when you’re sober, too, and you can be my boyfriend. I’ll just lay here until you wake up and I’ll see if you want to go to Waffle House. Last night was the best night EVER.

Sophomore Year


I can’t believe Brad cheated on me again. She wasn’t even all that pretty. That’s it, we’re over. I’m totally going to the Sigma Chi party with Kelly and we’re going to get me like sooo drunk that I just forget all about him.

Ohmigawd, Kelly. See that guy over there? He’s been letting me drink his Bud Light and KG all night long and I think he likes me. He’s not really cute, but he’s not awful-looking, either. Should I go home with him? But, like, what if Brad finds out? I just couldn’t do that to him! I still love him! I gave him my college virginity, Kelly! No. I’m going to go over there and kiss him and I’m going to get over Brad TONIGHT!

[Eight hours later]


Junior Year


Dude, that test. I just need to go to the bar. Because yeah, I can do that now.

I’ve been letting this guy buy me drinks all night, but he’s starting to get super creepy. I think he thinks I’m going to go home with him and that’s just not going to happen. Here he comes, go to the bathroom with me.

“Brad? It’s Sarah. Can you come get me? Please. I know this is kind of weird but there’s this guy and he won’t leave me alone and I’m drunk and…”

[Eight hours later]


Senior Year


See that guy over there? I’m going to take him home and have my way with him. Then I’m going to let him buy me breakfast in the morning.

Can you help me find my panties, because I kind of need those. Thanks.

Super Senior Year

Screen Shot 2014-01-08 at 4.47.20 PM

Wanna bang? Cool.

Where are my damn panties? Ya know what? Same time next week and I’ll just look for them then.

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My state gave you J. Law, Clooney, two-fifths of the Backstreet Boys, and multiple fifths of bourbon. I gave you a cover letter using Brian McKnight lyrics. Psuedo-adult by day; PGP, TFM, and TSM contributor by night. Please don't ask me to do math.

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