Hold Onto Your Butts – There’s Going To Be A Damn Solar Eclipse

Hold Onto Your Butts – There's Going To Be A Damn Solar Eclipse

Pull up your adult diapers because you’re about to shit yourself.

A full-on, all-beef, big nuts solar motherfucking eclipse is going to happen in August. That’s right, Earth’s little buddy the moon is going to line up perfectly, and completely block out the sun like a total little badass.

Let’s back up. 4,000 years ago in China, there were two chill bro astronomers named Ho and Hi. Their job was to interpret what the stars and other assorted celestial beings were doing, and advise the emperor on what they mean. Their job was pretty laid back so they spent most of their time getting fucked up. Unfortunately, one day when they were passed out, an eclipse happened. This was a really bad deal for everyone, because during an eclipse in 2,137 BCE China, you needed to have a bigass drum circle and shoot a shitload of arrows in the air because an invisible dragon is what was blocking out the sun.

I’ll pause to let everyone finish imagining shooting arrows at invisible dragons during a solar eclipse.

Anyway, that was a pretty big fuck up on the part of Ho and Hi, so the emperor cut their heads off. They are remembered by history as The Drunk Astronomers (new band name, called it). But don’t worry everyone, we have computers that will predict when and where eclipses will occur, so you can keep drinking without fear of decapitation. Or maybe you can’t, I don’t know your life.

Here’s the part that’s really going to blow your dicks right out the back of your assholes: the eclipse on August 21 will go across the continental United States of America. You heard that right, this sweet ass space occurrence is a freedom-loving sweet ass space occurrence. This eclipse will enter America’s beautiful face of the Pacific Northwest, pass through its fatty midsection of the Great Plains, and exit through the Southeastern anus.

A number of great American cities will be prime viewing of this once-in-a-fucking-lifetime happening. Nashville! Casper, Wyoming! Charleston! Atomic City, Idaho (population 29)! In addition, places like St. Louis and Kansas City will also see the Sun vanish before their very eyes.

A couple of questions you might have:

When was the last time something like this happened?
1918. A long-ass time ago.

When was the last time any eclipse happened on American soil?
1991, in Hawaii, and it was fucking cloudy, you ungrateful shits.

Will this ever happen again?
Life is uncertain, so I cannot promise this.

Do invisible dragons still exist?

Is the sun vanishing proof that God has lost faith in humanity?
No. Florida Georgia Line is proof that God has lost faith in humanity, eclipses are just his way of getting cults to commit mass suicide.

Some quick tips and tricks for viewing the eclipse:

– Just stare directly at that shit. People that tell you to use special glasses are cowards and/or liars.

– Do not begin a pitched battle against the Lydians.

– If you’re on deck for being sacrificed, try to schedule it around this time. Cultures that practice human sacrifice get weirded out when they’re about to ritually murder someone and the sun disappears. Play your cards right and you could also become their deity on Earth (it’s a sweet gig).

– Try to impregnate / get impregnated by your significant other. I have no clue what’s going to happen, but it has to up your odds of paranormal offspring.

– Eclipses are more or less completely random, so use this opportunity to remind everyone that chance, not fate is what controls your destiny.

Space shit is tight as fuck, so I encourage everyone who is able to take advantage of this eclipse. The next Halley’s comet is in 2061, so stay tuned for my post about that, coming in 44 years.

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International sailing champion and friend to most wolves. Except Larry, he knows what he did.

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