Guys, These Red Flags In Your Dating Profiles Are Ruining Your Chances At Happiness (And Getting Laid)

Guys, These Red Flags In Your Dating Profiles Are Ruining Your Chances At Happiness (And Getting Laid)

After getting out of my last relationship, I decided to jump back on the horse that is dating as a twenty-something, by launching myself deep down the rabbit hole that is the Bumble app. My initial attitude was something along the lines of, “No one could be worse than the literal burning trash heap that your ex-boyfriend is, so why not swipe through hundreds of strange men’s profiles and see what comes of it?” So far, I’ve certainly had my own fair share of fun with dating apps. I’ve been out on some really great dates, and then I’ve also been on some dates that made me want to stab my own eyes out with the chopsticks on the table in front of me just for an escape.

You never truly know what you’re dealing with when you look at an individual’s profile. It is a total crapshoot. Bumble allows for a total of six photos and a 300 character bio. Tinder boasts the same 6 photos but allows for 500 characters in the bio. This may sound like a very slight showcasing of information, but trust me, a lot of mistakes can be made in a mere 300 characters.

One of the weirdest things I have discovered on this Bumble journey to enlightenment has been the unexplainably unusual shit that guys will put on their dating profiles. When using a dating app, the usual goal in mind is to meet, hangout, hookup, etc., so I am a little perturbed as to why the majority of profiles I come across have one or more major red flags that provide reason enough for me to give them a hard pass. I started thinking, what kind of red flags could I be giving off in my own profile? Is that bad ass GoPro photo of me shredding the gnar in my Derrick Henry jersey guaranteeing me some aggressive left swipes…or is it acceptable?

I reached out to the Twitterverse, Facebook, and a mixed group of postgrad individuals asking the hard-hitting question that we all want…no, deserve, to know the answer to: “What are the biggest red flags someone can have in their dating app profile that will guarantee them a left swipe?”

The takes were sizzling-hot, and the results were both astonishing and soul-crushing. Today, let’s assess the female opinion.

Women’s Top Red Flags:

We’ll start with our top-reported crimes.

Gym Selfies
By far, the biggest hard-no a guy can rep in his dating profile, is a gym selfie. This is probably my personal biggest “not no, but hell no,” red flag…and guess what? I see this one more than any other. Guys, for Pete’s sake, stop with the gym selfies. They make me cringe and cry myself to sleep at night right after I rinse my eyes out with lighter fluid. There is no need for a grown man to be taking mirror selfies at the gym. #StopGymSelfies2016. We are also going to loop in shirtless selfies, ab selfies, and selfies in general. Imagining a man taking a selfie in a serious and not jokingly fashion gives me the willies. Nobody wants to look at your smiling mug up so intimately close. Selfies: just say no.

Inebriated In Every Photo
No way, man, you drink alcohols? Radical! Just a heads up, too many obviously inebriated photos is not a good look. I get it, you like to have a good time. Don’t we all. But I’m not trying to showcase photos of me with a Camelbak full of Cuervo circa spring break 2014. Enough with the photos of you hammered drunk on that cruise wearing a captain’s hat or at an EDM concert probably rolling your face off. Leave something to the imagination.

No Bio
This one also irks me. Like, I don’t care if you put up six decent photos (and usually that does not happen), if you don’t have a description. Who are you? Are you Patrick Bateman a la American Psycho? Do you like Huey Lewis and the News? With a blank bio, you’ve officially given me nothing to work with, and I assume that you think you’re too good for one. Guess what, buddy? You’re not better than me or anybody else on this app. Later, dude.

Occupation: Personal Trainer, Model, or CEO at Self-Employed
This one made me laugh my ass off, because it is totally true. Guys, if you’re listing yourself as any of the above occupations, I’m probably going to swipe left, as much as that makes me sound like a total asshole. No offense to you personal trainer guys, but most of the time, personal trainer goes hand in hand with those goddamn gym selfies. If I think you look like you could even be at-risk for gym selfies, sorry, gotta hit you with a lefty. Anyone with “model” listed as the occupation probably has some high-profile glamour shots or pics where he has a better spray tan than me. And CEO at self-employed? Gtfo. That’s just as bad as that one kid from your high school who has “Ball So Hard University” listed under his academic institutions.

No Height Listed
I’m a little torn about this one, personally. Like, it would be helpful if guys would list their height on their profile, but if it’s unlisted that doesn’t necessarily constitute a hard pass for me. I’m relatively tall for a woman, so I know that this situation can be a little tough to navigate. Most girls who reported this as one of their top red flags were all pretty tall, so I totally get the miss here. But, numbers don’t lie. This one was reported quite a bit. Guys, maybe you should play it safe and just list your height. Unless you’re rocking a Tyrion Lannister vertical, then go ahead and just leave that one off.

Photos With An Assortment of Women and Group Photos
This one should be super obvious, but apparently some of you guys aren’t getting the picture. If every single one of your photos is of you with an arm draped over some broad, what are you trying to say? “I’m a ladykiller?” Cause I’ll be the first to tell you, I’m not that into it. Put a pic with your mom up, by all means. I totally dig a man who loves his mom. But if you’re putting off a Hugh Hefner vibe, I’m gonna have to say toodaloo. To follow this one up, too many group photos with your broskis are going to inevitably result in a no as well. If you’ve got a “Where’s Waldo?” set of pictures, I’m not trying to go True Detective on your profile to figure out which dude rocking the Masters polo and khaki chinos is you.

Honorable Mentions:

White Sunglasses: This was my own personal addition. I hate your white Oakleys. Put them in the garbage with your Nickelback CDs and Affliction tees. Walk away from your checkered past and never look back. You can thank me later.

Couples Looking For A Threesome: Since moving to Oklahoma, I have seen this one multiple times. Spoiler alert: none of these couples were even remotely attractive. It is 2016; I’m almost positive there has to be an app out there for you threesome-seekers. Tf outta here. Bumble is a place for learned-doctors.

Photos of Car or Other Miscellaneous Vehicles: I get it, pal, you’re extremely proud of your red 2006 Mustang. But using one of your precious photo slots for a solo picture of your ride is a big fat no. Just “steer” clear.

Hunting Photos: To each their own, but quite a few of my lady friends tuned in and said a murdered Bambi chilling on the back of your truck tailgate is gonna get you nowhere.

Fishing Photos: Same ballpark as the hunting pics. Super cool you snagged that swordfish a couple years ago, and yeah I see your Yeti, but to be honest, I don’t care. I get seasick when deep-sea fishing and really I only want to go fish if I know I’ll wind up with a decent Instagram photo op. Let’s be real here.

Musicians: I want to say that musicians don’t inherently bother me, but if every picture is of you sweating behind your drums, giving the “rock on” hand sign, or chilling next to your electric guitar, I’m probably gonna ramble on Led Zeppelin style. Best of luck in the biz, though. I’m a big fan of that School of Rock movie.

No Smiling Pictures: I got this answer from a few ladies. Collectively, the concern here was for the true state of your chompers. Not trying to risk a full set of “summer teeth.” Some are here, some are there; you get the picture.

#Trump2016: This applies to any political speak in general. Bumble recently gave the option of applying a presidential candidate filter to your main photo. Anyone I saw using one of those filters immediately got a left swipe, I don’t care if they were building that wall or writing-in Ye. I’m trying to go on a date with you, not discuss your opinions on U.S. involvement in the Middle East or Benghazi. I hear enough of that at my family dinner table.

Consider this a condensed list. There were many more, but I’m too depressed about my research to continue to kicking all you guys while you are already down. Long story short: we are all completely doomed. Chances are, every single thing you have on your dating app right at this moment is going to get you rejected, so honestly, just keep whatever weird shit you want on there.

Tune in next time for a list of guy’s top red flags. Heads up, ladies: get those selfies with the dog Snapchat filter the hell off of your profile.

Image via Shutterstock

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Texas native and Alabama grad with a Drake problem. Going to law school, but don't tell my future employers you saw me here.

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