Guys Being Dudes: Gym Sesh

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He let out a loud, irritated sigh as he pulled his black 2016 Ford Platinum into the gym parking lot, narrowly missing a pedestrian. Behind the polarized lenses of his blindingly white Oakleys, he assessed the parking situation. It was still a “New Year, New Me” war-zone. Every lazy piece of shit who couldn’t usually be bothered to exercise was at the gym trying to stick to their resolutions. Pathetic. He’d been coming to this place for months, staking out his territory.

He circled the lot, looking for a parking spot, but there was not one to be had. Frustrated and impatient, he opted to park his giant pickup in the one open spot designated “COMPACT.” The Honda Civic that had pulled up behind him honked and gave him the finger. He laughed to himself as he gave them a sarcastic wave, and grabbed his gym bag out of the backseat. He killed the engine and grabbed the door handle.

Before he could clamor out of the driver’s side, he spied two petite blondes on the sidewalk, sporting lululemon head to toe. They were chatting animatedly as they headed into the building. He considered rolling down his window and turning up the radio a little louder so they could hear him listening to The Chainsmokers, but decided against it.

He grabbed his BlenderBottle from the cupholder and started toward the front entrance. As he stepped into the doorway, the glass doors slid open, and a wave of icy cold A/C gusted over him. He pulled his Smathers and Branson embroidered skull and crossbones keychain out of the pocket of his Under Armour shorts and scanned himself in at the front desk. The hot CrossFit chick who usually worked the front was nowhere to be found, but he forgot about her existence just as quickly as he had remembered it when he again spied the two blondes from earlier. They were climbing onto the elliptical machines near the squat rack, within eyesight of the benches and the free-weight area.

He hustled into the locker room to quickly throw his bag into a cubby and chug some of his pre-workout. It tasted like shit and he didn’t want to finish it, but he took it out into the gym with him anyway. If anything, it made him look more serious about his workout.

With no one in the free-weight area, he decided to get a little warm-up in. Push-ups to start. He began with the classic both-hands approach, then threw in a few one-arm ones just for fun. After he felt like he had a good pump going, he headed toward the squat rack. It was also open, and situated right in front of some good mirror real-estate. It also happened to be the closest to the two blondes on the ellipticals.

He pulled his cherry-red Beats by Dre headphones up over his ears, and pressed play on his “Workout” Spotify playlist. 21 Savage started blasting in his ears as he settled into the open space of the squat rack to do some curls. There was plenty of room and it didn’t look like anyone wanted to use it, so he figured he was good. After about 12 curls, he put down his weights to check his phone. “The Boys” group text was blowing up. It looked like Kyle and his wet-blanket of a girlfriend, Sarah, were breaking up again. Sucks to suck, he muttered under his breath.

After clicking through a few songs in the playlist and doing another set of curls, he decided to head over to the pull-up bar and really get some reps in. He jumped up and grabbed onto the bar. With some audible grunts, he managed to pull himself up completely 5 times in a row. There were now small beads of sweat forming on his brow. He glanced in the mirror at himself. He put his left arm straight down, clenching his hand into a fist. As he looked in the mirror, he rotated his arm, assessing the gains in his triceps. The fraternity intramural cut-off tank accentuated his arms, and he felt satisfied with his progress. He choked down another swig of the amino acids in a moment of inspiration. As his phone went off again in his pocket, he decided to call it a day and go sit in the sauna for max-calorie burnage before he left.

He winked at the blondes as he walked by, feeling confident from his killer workout. The CrossFit chick from the front desk walked by him, headed toward the free-weight area where he had just exercised 5 pull-ups ago. “You left your weights out again, dude,” she said sharply as he lumbered into the locker room. “My bad,” he called over his shoulder, totally not giving a shit about leaving them out yet again.

He sat in the sauna for a good ten minutes before deciding he should head out to pick up some dinner before returning home. Actually, his phone overheated, leaving him nothing to do while he sat, so he decided it was time to leave. He threw his sweaty tank into his gym bag, opting to leave the gym shirtless. He strolled through the gym slowly as he left, hoping to see the two blondes one last time. As he walked past the front desk where the CrossFit chick had returned to her post, he threw her a “Sup?” nod. “Have a nice day,” she said unenthusiastically.

As he pulled open the door to his truck, his phone went off. It was Kyle.

“Hey man, you tryna get lit tonight? The guys are thinking about going out for sushi at Hook. You in? First round of sake bombs are on me. I need to let off some steam after this whole Sarah thing.”

“For sure, dude. Your girlfriend is a t-total bitch, by the way. Hey man, have you seen the CrossFit chick who works at the gym? She totally wants me. I’ll tell you about it later. See you in 30?”

“Works for me. By the way, Connor is coming. Forrest invited him. Just thought you should know.”

And with that, his iPhone blinked “Call Ended” and returned to his home screen, which boasted a picture of him and his buddies dressed in camo, standing in front of the bed of his truck which was lined with an assortment of duck feathers, Miller Lites in hand. Great, he thought to himself. Connor..

Image via Shutterstock

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Taylor

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