Grown Up Things I Refuse To Do

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Once you hit a certain age, you’re supposed to start doing certain things. You need to watch your cholesterol, do your taxes, save for retirement–those sorts of things. However, there are some things that are considered “adult” or “grown up” or even “respectable” that I really couldn’t give a flying fuck about.

1. Going To The Opera

Look, I get it. I’m an uncouth neanderthal, but I like some highbrow shit. I listen to Wagner. I know the difference between Cubism and Fauvism. I even like the ballet, even if it’s mostly because ballet dancers have nice titties–but the opera is just fucking dumb. It’s an archaic form of entertainment from a completely different place and time that has no connection to our own culture. Being an opera connoisseur now carries a lot of implications, most of which involve arrogance and pedanticism. I’m not saying that all people who like opera are pretentious pricks, I’m just saying I have yet to meet an opera aficionado who isn’t. The enjoyment of opera should be reserved for stuffy people from old money with no sense of humor and as an “offbeat” characteristic for the protagonist of a slow burn action movie.

2. Watching The News

I really don’t understand why anyone watches the news at this point. I’m a pretty politically savvy guy, and I keep myself in the loop. How? By reading opinions and analysis from multiple sources all across the spectrum of ideology. You know how I don’t do it? By listening to a loudmouth–who got his job because of the volume of his voice, and not because of his journalism degree–from a mediocre school shout back and forth with his opposite-of-center evil twin for three hours. Television news isn’t journalism anymore. It’s somewhere in between entertainment for the sake of ratings and cynical audience pandering for the sake of fuck it. Fox News and MSNBC are clearly just echo chambers for their brain dead audiences, and the fact that anyone takes them seriously is honestly beyond me.

3. Flossing

Allegedly, we’re supposed to have been doing this since we had permanent teeth. Most kids get a pass on the activity by people in general, because it’s hard enough just to get them to brush their teeth, let alone slice at their gums with garrote wire. But most people start listening to their dentist at some point in their twenties and start flossing. I, however, don’t listen to dentists, because they’re creepy and I’m pretty sure they’re up to something. Seriously, who else keeps a supply of sharp objects, weird chairs, and liquids that make you pass out around them at all times? Serial killers. I’m pretty sure I read or made up a statistic the other day that 38 percent of dentists are suspected serial killers, and the other 62 percent just haven’t claimed their first victim yet. Plus, the last time I was at the dentist’s office, the toilet paper was hung in the under position. THE UNDER POSITION! And the person responsible for this restroom felony wants me to clean out “invisible bacteria” with mint-flavored razor wire? Get the fuck outta here, guy.

4. Making My Bed

Hey Mom, if you’re reading this, GO FUCK YOURSELF. (But seriously, Mom, if you’re reading this, stop now, and I’m sorry I just said that.) I actually got into this debate with one of my roommates the other day. He still makes his bed on a regular basis, especially when people come over. I don’t really understand that part, because why is anyone going into his room? He, of course, countered that he also does it for when a lady friend comes over, to which I reminded him that once a girl you’ve been seeing has made it back to your room, you don’t have to keep trying to impress her. Well, except for going down on her for an above average length of time (seriously Mom, I told you to stop reading, it’s your own damn fault if you didn’t listen). I can’t remember the last time I tucked in my sheets and arranged my pillows, and I don’t plan on doing it anytime soon. I suspect that this will end up being the main thing my wife and I fight about, because I’ve literally never met a girl who agreed with me on this subject and I refuse to relent. If I have to give up half of my assets to some woman in order to continue leaving my pillows and comforter in the perfect sleeping position, I’ll fucking do it. I’m prepared to do what is necessary.

5. Joining A Community Club

Rotary, Lions Club, Elks–it’s all the same to me. While these groups purport to be “service organizations,” I’ve found that they tend to be more for people to get together and gossip about what’s going on around town than anything else. The Masons are moderately intriguing because of the whole Illuminati thing, but they’re either as secretive and conspiratorial as “National Treasure” wanted us to believe and there’s no way I get in on the secret shit, or it’s all just boring, in which case I’d be wildly disappointed. You could probably talk me into joining a men’s club, although again, it seems like something humorless, wealthy people do. Plus, the best organizations to be in are the secret ones, and those aren’t even listed on Wikipedia. So, basically what I’m saying is that I have no plans to join and pay dues to a group that anyone has ever heard of. And if you’re a member of a secret group that does cool, secret things, DM me on Twitter or something.

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