Grandex Office Ping Pong Power Rankings: Week 5

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Every week here on Peej, we’ll be presenting and commenting on the updated standings of everyone here at Grandex who plays enough ping pong to qualify for the Grandex Office Ping Pong Power Rankings system. The algorithm used is secret to everyone but commissioner Joe Nullet, and the rankings are only updated on Monday mornings. The secrecy involved affords us BCS-era drama, but in 2018. Glory, outrage, and everything in between await.

Here are this week’s updated rankings:

Assorted Comments

1. Bow down.

2. Cisco jumped 2 spots into the 2nd spot. He’ll need a lot more games played to snatch that top spot away from me, but he’s made that first step and I’m terrified.

3. A slight regression from Prim last week. He’ll bounce back, though. Solid player.

4. You’re reading that right — Hayden, at 4-32, is ranked behind Jay, at 0-19. The kicker? Hayden has defeated Jay three times. More on this storyline in this week’s Main Feature.

5. Will: from number 1 overall to below .500. Shameful.

6. Ross is sure to jump some more spots by next week’s rankings, as he’s been having a solid run as of late.

7. My Tuesday loss streak continues; I’ve now lost one game each of the past three Tuesdayseses (Phil, Dave, Ross). Because of this trend, both of next week’s Tuesday spots on my ping pong sign-up spreadsheet were quickly nabbed up. Good luck, Jay and Jake. For the full story behind the ping pong sign-up spreadsheet, check out the main feature in the week 2 rankings recap.

Two-Sentence Interview Of The Week

Jared: Finish this sentence: “Ping pong is…”

Dan: “a distraction.”

This Week’s Featured Image Addition

I added a troll face onto one of the office Blues Brothers statues. This featured image addition has to do with Assorted Comment #4, upon which I’ll be extrapolating in the Main Feature below.

Main Feature

For the second time since we started this whole thing, someone with multiple victories has come in ranked behind someone with none. Last time, it was a 7-26 Joe ranked behind an 0-13 Jay, and this time it’s a 4-32 Hayden ranked behind an 0-19 Jay. It’s unknown (to me; I’m sure the info is out there somewhere) whether or not any of Joe’s 7 victories at the time were over Jay, but it’s well documented that 3 of Hayden’s 4 were.

Before I get into this, I want to say that you can check the tape and see that I have nothing but admiration for Jay’s game. He has an incredibly high ceiling and a lot of the intangibles necessary to move up that leaderboard. If he dedicates some time to the sport, victory is his. Alas, the man is our CFO, so time isn’t something of which he has much.

That being said, what the fuck is up with this algorithm? No human can look at these numbers and say “Hayden should be behind Jay” right now, so why can this thing?

This begs the question: what does this algorithm know that I don’t? I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel slightly emasculated by this whole ordeal. There’s some code in the office right now slapping me in the face and telling me I’m wrong but not telling me why, and I’m supposed to just sit here and take it because it’s technology and I’m flesh and J-Bones?

I mean, I will, but I don’t have to like it. I’m so confused.

Some people think Commissioner Joe is up to something, and I’m not so sure he isn’t.

See you next week..

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Jared Borislow

Jared Borislow (@JaredBorislow) is a Senior Editor for Grandex Inc and the supreme leader of the Bone Zone.

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