Good News, Fatties: Bacon Can Help You Live Longer, Maybe

Good News, Fatties: Bacon Can Help You Live Longer, Maybe

Ask any red-blooded American that can still squeeze a few drops of it through their clogged arteries what their favorite breakfast food is, they’re gonna say bacon. Hell, ask them what their favorite burger topping, sandwich stacker, donut hot dog accessory, edible wrapping paper , bacon wrapped pizza and sexual aphrodisiac is, they’re probably gonna answer that wonderful, crispy, salty, smoked cured meat. Even a Hebrew like myself loves it; I love Bacon so much, I disrespect my entire religion by eating it. Sorry, ancestors.

Not only is it delicious, wonderful, and representative of everything good in the world…it might also help you live longer! No joke. According to researchers at ETH Zurich, a leading engineering, science, technology, mathematics and management university in Switzerland, there’s an acid called niacin, vitamin B-3, which is linked to a longer life span. And guess what? You can find a TON of Niacin in Bacon! It can also be found in paprika, sun-dried tomatoes and peanuts, which are probably much better for you, but honestly, none of those foods are quite as bacon-y as bacon.

In this study, niacin made the lives of earthworms one-tenth longer, and we all know the old saying: As the earthworm goes, so goes the nation.

So, you want to live longer? Then do yourself a favor: Skip the gym. Stop eating healthy. Every morning, fry up a pack of bacon, two if you REALLY want to live longer. Eat it all day. With every meal and for snacks. Sleep with it under your pillow. Shower with it. Introduce it into lovemaking (if you’re not doing so already, you fucking prudes). Boom. Instant life-enhancement. You’re welcome.***

***Note: JayTas is NOT a doctor. Do not take his advice under any circumstances, both medical and otherwise. Neither JayTas nor PGP are responsible for the mass consumption of bacon because this is, you know, a joke article on a humor website.

[via CoEd]

Image via Shutterstock

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