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Some nights you just can’t catch a break. When you’re seven beers deep with a bunch of your boys at the bar nothing is out of bounds. Everything is fair play if you’re drunk enough.
Your ex-girlfriend who, maybe in a moment of weakness you confessed to still loving? Yeah, you’re going to get made fun of for that. The hard five your buddy went home with last weekend? He’s about to go in the frying pan. Everyone gets roasted from time to time. It’s usually a verbal assault, but since late 2015, instead of going full scorched earth with words, I like to switch it up from time to time and raise my hand up. Once raised, I point the hand towards the person I want to flame like so:
That, my friends, is what we call the roast hand. The origins of the roast hand is not exactly known at this time. Much like the birth of Shakespeare, the exact date of birth of the roast hand can only be estimated. Twitter scholars like myself maintain that the roast hand gained traction right around the time that the infamous “What are those?!” video came out. Detractors of that theory claim that they saw an errant roast hand in the “Damn, Daniel” video. I’ve tried countless to pinpoint the creation of the roast hand to no avail. Whatever the case, the roast hand has been around for well over a year now and it’s still very much alive.
Now I am in no way claiming that I started what has become a sort of internet phenomenon, but I definitely got in on the ground floor when it comes to what has become known as the roast hand. It’s pretty simple, really. Anytime you want to flame someone, just hold your hand out towards the person that you want to throw in the proverbial frying pan.
As we all know, roasting people is a timeless art form. Everyone has heard that you’re not really friends with someone unless you’re roasting them and that’s pretty spot on for the most part. I don’t know what the dynamic is like between two girls who are good friends, but the measuring stick for guys is pretty simple. You’re not really good friends with another guy until you’re just straight up ribbing each other all the time. Being nice is for special occasions. If it’s a typical Friday night out at the bar, your boys are going to get roasted.
It could be somebody’s trash outfit. It might be something stupid that they said in a conversation. Whatever the reason, the roast hand says it for you. It totally negates the burden of saying actual words. The roast hand is the universal sign for telling someone that they are a fucking idiot. It works in every language and in every corner of God’s green earth. From East Asia to Timbuktu and all the way to some podunk town in middle America. The Roast Hand works everywhere.
Truly ruthless savages will sometimes opt for the double roast hand. If one of your buddies is doing something stupid enough to warrant a double roast hand, by all means do it. I only ask that you use the D.R.H. with extreme caution.
The roast hand is simple, annoying, playful, and the perfect amount of disrespectful. Even if you had no idea what the roast hand was, I feel like if someone were to hold their hand out towards your forehead I think you would just know that it wasn’t good. We’re staring down the barrel of another weekend. I’m sure everyone has big plans to hit the bars with their friends, and I’m telling you that if the situation presents itself, give the roast hand a shot. It packs the same punch that a carefully crafted sentence does and all it takes is one raised hand. .
Image via Youtube
Respond
jduda@grandex.co
You can thank the Marine Corps for the “knife hand,” Duda. I’m not quite sure you know its full power.
Damn. Might have to start calling it the knife hand. I like that.
Adding “Boi” while doing so for added effect
Called a “knife hand” in certain circles, and you’d better be careful where you point those things.
Can’t wait to read your column next week.
The Chase: Punched by a stranger for attempted roast hand.
I’d venture to say Dudda’s “socks n’ stocks” fashion style has landed him on the receiving end of this bad boy on a few occasions.
You come at the King with the roast hand, you best not miss.
You don’t come to the high rollers table unless you’ve got chips to move, and you don’t go point the roast hand at the king without some serious heat behind that bad boy.
Not having any friends to roast. PGP
We really can’t have anything without yall white folks taking it, can we? (I’m kidding, don’t give yourself an aneurysm) lmao
Our high school baseball team did this, but the literal translation was “look at this fuckin’ guy.”