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With social media and the sporadic trips back to your parents’ house for holidays and weekends, you end up running into girls you knew back in the day. I get that not everyone loves rehashing old high school memories, but everyone loves gelato. I’ve decided it is my civic duty to combine the two into the weird blend of nostalgia and creamy goodness that is girls from your hometown described as Talenti flavors. You’re welcome.
It’s everyone’s favorite basic bitch. She went to state school and rushed the largest sorority on campus. Even though she graduated years ago, she’s still retweeting shack shirt and nort jokes on the regular. Pumpkin Pie works in business or marketing and ended up back in the area with an apartment less than 15 miles down the road from her parents’ house. She was kinda boring back in high school and she’s still boring now, but with a newfound political opinion she voices on Facebook all the damn time.
Cinnamon Peach Biscuit
Even though she’s lived in the Northeast her entire life, Cinnamon Peach Biscuit now talks with a thick accent after going to school in the south for four years. She loves Lauren James, monograms, and acting like she’s better than you. Her entire apartment is decked out in #Rolltide colors, mostly in chevron patterns. Cinnamon Peach is harmless but is annoying to be around in your hometown bar when all she wants to talk about is how much better things are below the Mason Dixon Line. We get it, you don’t like the cold anymore.
Cold Brew Coffee
Cold Brew Coffee now has terf bangs and a septum piercing. She was always a little edgy growing up, but after moving to New York City two years ago she really spread her wings. If you run into her at the local Whole Foods, you can probably strike up a conversation about her new podcast which features local indie bands breaking onto the scene. Cold Brew’s parents live on the same street as your parents, and you can confirm they are the biggest squares on the planet. You’re not sure where her free lifestyle comes from, but it’s certainly not them. You assume she works in digital media or as a writer for Vice, but in reality, she’s a part-time barista and has a Patreon for nude Snapchat access on the side.
Old World Eggnog
You’d be hard-pressed to find Old World Eggnog hanging around in your hometown. You mostly keep up with her life adventures via social media. Eggnog went to a top-tier college, studied abroad in cool countries, and ended up with a sick gig after graduation. She has a ridiculously hot boyfriend/fiancé and met Shailene Woodley at a party once. You want to be jealous of Old World Eggnog since she has all her shit together, but you know she’s a super nice person so you feel guilty trying to hate her.
Black Raspberry Chocolate Chip
Now a Makeup Artist, Black Raspberry Chocolate Chip doesn’t take shit from anyone and would probably fight you in a bar restroom if you bump into her hard enough. You see her all over the place when you’re home for holidays, and she once did your hair and makeup when you were a bridesmaid in your friend’s wedding. Black Raspberry smoked Newports in high school and now vapes to try and break the habit.
Vanilla Blueberry Crumble
Was hot back at sixteen, still incredibly hot now.
This poor girl is desperate to cling onto whatever shred of clout she had back when she was the only one who’d grown breasts. She’s now in her mid-twenties selling Lularoe leggings and Instagraming motivational quotes once a day. The first time you bump into her in public, you draw a huge blank on what her name is, she was that forgettable. Strawberry is the Kirkland version of Pumpkin Spice, a total generic knockoff of an already mass-produced product..