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Last night I sat down with my dinner in the living room and watched some action from the ACC/ Big Ten Challenge on the four letter sports network. I’ll be honest – late November college basketball doesn’t really move the needle for me.
It feels too early to be watching it and every team except for Duke is still figuring out playing rotations. It’s just not fun to watch right now. And I could probably write 2,000 words on the absurdity of officiating in college basketball because it’s downright atrocious, but I don’t think anyone is interested in that. It does bring me to an interesting point I’d like to make regarding frozen pizza, though.
Last night while watching what seemed like the fiftieth tv timeout of the evening during the Duke/Indiana game, a commercial came on for a new line of frozen pizza from Kraft.
From the jump I knew this commercial was off because I’ve made pizzas using Kraft ingredients and I’ve even bought the pesto margherita frozen pizza from Kraft before (its just O.K.) and I can tell you it looks nothing like what was pictured in that commercial.
In the ad, we see a dad and two dumbass kids in karate outfits crowded around a kitchen island enjoying pizza that the dad made. It of course looks fucking great in the commercial. Gooey cheese stretching from the wooden board it was made on and getting stretched as the dad pulls pieces off for the kids to enjoy.
Now I’m not saying that Kraft is a bad company. Kraft makes a wonderful array of cheeses and other dairy products that I use regularly, but I have no choice but to call bullshit on this commercial.
The thing with frozen pizzas is that they aren’t all that good. They’re decent at best. They get the job done when you don’t feel like shelling out thirty bucks for a large pie and garlic knots. But frozen pizzas aren’t blowing anyone’s mind.
We’ve seen this for years with marketing from DiGiorno, the premiere frozen pizza company that shoves commercials down our throats during just about every big sporting event.
In DiGiorno commercials there’s always a guy hosting a party with adults and he brings out a piping hot pie and his guests ask him where the delivery is from because it’s so fucking delicious.
DiGiorno touts new technology that allows you to make pan pizzas from home that taste just like the pizza you order from around the block. They get celebrities to endorse and everyone in these commercials has no clue that they’re eating frozen pizza.
The problem with these ads is that they aren’t based in reality. Look DiGiorno pizza isn’t bad. It’s fine. But let’s have honest marketing campaigns from these frozen pizza companies. Show a sad, single twenty something with a 12 pack of PBR in one hand and a DiGiorno in the other in line at checkout.
Show a college kid falling asleep on his couch hammered drunk with a completely black, charred pizza in the oven at 450 with the fire alarm in his apartment going off.
Hell, show me on a Monday night after work looking through my cabinets with absolutely nothing to eat and finding a frozen pizza in the very back of the freezer, shrugging and saying “Well…okay I can eat this.”
I just want some honesty. No one in their right mind is serving a frozen pizza to their children and there certainly aren’t people making DiGiorno or Kraft pizzas while they entertain guests. Cut the bullshit. Frozen pizza is for drunks, college kids, and violently single people..
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jduda@grandex.co
An adult dinner party? Of course not. A party where you (foolishly) get so drunk you call your wife your ex’s name and then throw up in the kitchen sink? It’s perfect.
Now thats a fuckn party
That’s like what I aspire to be
Once I accidentally called a girl the name of an ex from sophomore year of high school. Now if that ain’t some repressed baggage coming back I don’t know what is
Maybe it’s just me, but when I was a kid, I didn’t really care where pizza came from. Pizza was pizza. I devoured it if it was from Domino’s, I devoured it if was from some nice pizza place and I devoured it if it was from the Safeway down the street.
Actually, come to think of it, I still feel that way now.
Remember how good that cardboard pizza that was sold at skating rinks or Chuck E Cheese type places? I’m still sure that’s why my left arm twitches and my tongue clicks when I orgasm but damn it was good back then
19th you’re on a fuckin roll today man I’m dying at this and the comment above
As someone who is violently single- frozen anything is my go to on weeknights.
Red Baron and I are pretty tight. DiGiorno is trash. Freschetta isn’t bad. Totino’s party pizza if you’re dead broke.
Growing up I’d hammer a Totino’s out while playing Super Mario every time I went to the grandparents house.
Jack’s is the goat.
I never knew I was violently single until now, never knew those words went together. But here we are…
I need Duda’s college basketball officiating takes like I need air to breathe
The 7/11 down the street has pepperoni Tombstone pizzas. I’ve been known to have the Uber drop me off there on the way home on a Saturday night. The veteran move is grabbing the Tombstone but also grabbing a slice of the 7/11 gas station pizza to curb your drunk appetite on the 3 block walk back to the apartment and while you wait for the oven to preheat.
I felt the same on this until I met Lottza Mottza. The true frozen pizza MVP.
Tombstone is the OG GOAT
American Flatbread is the best frozen pizza hands down. Pick one up, thank me later.
DiGiorno is booty anyway.
You’re really telling me you didn’t enjoy that MSU game yesterday? You’re a plebe
My grocery store will have this for a few months then it goes away and it’s like having a drug dealer that constantly runs out of supply. Lottza Mottza is hands down the best frozen pizza ive ever had.
My grocery store will have this for a few months then it goes away and it’s like having a drug dealer that constantly runs out of supply. Lottza Mottza is hands down the best frozen pizza ive ever had.
I’d do unspeakable things to get Lottza Mottza to come out with a buffalo chicken flavor
Tried twice to respond to the post about Lottza Mottza and both times it created it as a new post.