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I haven’t been in a fight since freshman year of high school. I lost that fight because I weighed about 85 pounds soaking wet and I had a hot temper. Following the loss, I vowed to myself to never engage in physical combat and to simply wage mental war on the haters, losers, and detractors (of which there are many.)
We’ve all been in situations at bars, parties, and other social gatherings where you and another party get a little too riled up and the chances of a physical altercation happening becomes a very real possibility.
Only douchebags get in fights after they turn 21. What the hell are you thinking? You’re grown. You can get inside someone’s head and win the night without ever throwing a punch, all you have to do is have the right vocabulary on hand. That is where I come in. I’ve got insults for days, and no girl goes home with the guy who starts fights. She winds up with the dude who is too mature for them.
Kill ‘em with kindness or a subtle insult – that’s what I always say. Depending on what you look like, all of these lines could either get you in a heap of trouble (i.e. getting in a fight/possibly arrested) or may just lead to the guy who was about to punch you getting you a beer and laughing the whole thing off.
I’m not promising that any of these subdued phrases will get you out of harms way, but I am promising that they’ll get a laugh from your friends and/or innocent bystanders who have no skin in the game. Call me what you want, but you know and I know that these will all come in handy the next time some douchebag is trying to throw hands with you. I’m not asking you to start picking fights, I’m just asking you to keep these simple phrases and actions in mind the next time someone wants to throw fisticuffs.
“Yeah, whatever you say college boy.”
This particular line will come in handy for any boy whether they are in college or not, although I maintain that it is best utilized on someone in their mid to late-20s. It’s disrespectful but in a clever enough way that you might actually not escalate the situation.
Like I said, I’m not making any guarantees that this won’t get you a punch in the face, but I’m also saying it’s not the worst way to try and de-escalate a budding rumble.
Cackling maniacally
Any diss that comes your way via the guy who wants to fight needs to be met with uproarious laughter. Deep guffaws. Guttural, spleen splitting laughter. This will almost inevitably piss the other guy off even more, so if you choose to go this route you need to make sure that one of your large, intimidating friends is there to back you up. This one doesn’t work without having some muscle behind you because it will 1000% start a fight.
“Wait…..what?”
Very similar to the maniacal laughter in that every time a verbal jab comes at you you need to immediately meet it with a “Wait…what?”
This will confuse your opponent. He’ll either think you’re disrespecting him or just plain stupid. Pray for the latter but prepare for the former because by the fourth “Wait…what?” you’re more than likely getting a fist headed towards your domepiece.
“You dress like shit.”
A personal favorite of mine, this one works especially well if you’re dressed like Donnie Azoff in The Wolf of Wall Street. Something super preppy. Hopefully, you’ve also got a bloody mary or Tom Collins in your hand as well, because this one cuts deep to the core. Even if they aren’t dressed like shit, you’ll have the other guy all in his own head. The best he’ll be able to come up with is a stutter or a mumble. Best case scenario here is he’s so embarrassed he walks away or maybe even leaves the bar because he knows he’s now officially the most swagless person in the room. Worst case? Well worst case scenario is that he beats the living shit out of you.
Fighting is never the answer to a problem. But egging people on is a hell of a lot of fun and all of the above phrases will have you toeing the line between fun and assault. And at the end of the day, isn’t that what it’s all about?.
Image via Youtube
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jduda@grandex.co
I’ve always enjoyed Sammy Cacciatore, from Blue Mountain State, threatening people to jerk them off. Quickly diffuses any situation.
“Take it out you pussy!”
The other option is to stop being the kind of person that other people desperately want to punch in the face.
Don’t be ridiculous
A personal favorite of mine is staring down or smirking at guys at house parties/the bar who may or may not know I already hooked up with their current girl..
I thought Skyler was the cheater in your relationship? Youre above that Walt
I like the Seth Green approach “Tell your girl I said what’s up” and just walk away. Kills em everytime
Liquor? Hell, I just met her!
My go to move is just calmly making the most insane threat possible so even if they have the physical advantage, they know you’re insane and won’t mess with you
I haven’t been active in a few days but I’m glad to see you back on the site. Stay strong. Wishing nothing but the best for you and yours as well as everyone else down there.
Thanks brother. We stayed dry so now it’s time to help rebuild. JJ Watt also just announced he’s raised over $10million now so that’s cool
Ah, the Hey Arnold! approach.
Insane people always seem to win (def not talking from personal experience, obviously)
“If I kill you, it won’t be the alcohol” thanks for that one Kendrick!
Start disrobing. Dominant-male-monkey-motherfuckers are likely to be homophobic and intimidated by the bare male form. Double points if you’re hairy, sweaty, overweight, or all three.
The image that comes to mind is Randy Marsh dropping trou and asking other dads, “whatta you wanna do?”
One of my friends once dropped his pants to his ankles “you wouldn’t hit a naked man”. It was so crazy it actually worked.
Big fan of either attacking their appearance and generally being passive aggressive. But in the end, no one really wants to fight. Blood on that sweet quarter zip isn’t ideal, getting kicked out of the bar isn’t ideal, and running into the police isn’t ideal.
A college friend of mine would just start barking and biting air. No one fucked with that kid..
My personal favorite, “is that a tear in your eye? Are you crying?” Even if they’re nowhere near close to crying.
Won’t avoid a fight but there is no coming back from that.
All of these are really funny AND will definitely get you into a fight.