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There’s no set moment in time when you become an adult. It’s not like on your eighteenth birthday you’re handed a 401(k), a low sex drive, and the never-ending desire to make old man noises. You still take too many shots on a night out, and you’re still sending “u up?” texts to people you have no business texting. While you’ve legally reached maturity, mentally? Eh, not so much.
So, when, exactly, does being an adult start? Is it when you get your first real job? Your first solo apartment? Hell, is it when you have your first not-so-scary pregnancy scare? It’s hard to figure out. There’s not a formula or a checklist. You don’t realize it’s happening until you wake up one day, back aching and hungover even though you didn’t have a lick of alcohol the night before, and you think: shit. I’m old.
But the biggest indication that you’re an adult isn’t even in your aching joints or your constant need for an extra hour of sleep. No, the true sign that you’ve officially grown is when you stop saying bullshit like, “Ugh, I just can’t adult today.”
Because there’s truly nothing in the world that makes me want to shake a bitch, quite like when she shares a meme about “adulting.”
It’s not so much that I think the “word” (for lack of a better, well, word) is stupid, even though that is the absolute truth. It’s the fact that the people who talk about adulting are the same people who complain about not having any money even though they just shelled out a small fortune on Coachella tickets and still Snapchat themselves singing in the car to “Despacito.”
You know. It’s us. We’re these people.
And I get why we use the word. I mean, I don’t feel like a real adult. Sure, I have an apartment, a dog, and a much slower metabolism than I once did. But I’m still throwing up vodka on weekends, forgetting to wash my face at night, and calling my mom three times a day to ask her if I need to go to the doctor for a low-grade fever. So, when adult shit happens, like I have to actually work to make money, I have to sit in traffic, or I have to do my taxes, it’s a drag. Obviously. But that’s literally life. That’s the whole thing. And the only way to truly grow up and be a fucking adult? Is to accept it and not to post annoying memes that will absolutely make everyone block you.
The thing is, you’re not an adult because you maxed out your dad’s emergency credit card to go to EDC or because you took a week of vacation days to go to Vegas after your friend’s lame girlfriend cheated on him. You’re not a grown up because you have an entry-level marketing job and still live in your childhood bedroom. And you’re definitely not an adult because you post shit like, “Sorry! I can’t adult today lol” on your fucking Facebook page.
That just makes you an asshole.
What it all comes down to is this: Yes, being an adult sucks most of the time. We’re getting older and fatter and uglier. We work all day so we can buy nice things that we can’t enjoy because we’re too busy working. And at the end of it all, we’re just going to die and be placed in the ground to decompose and be forgotten about. And that all sucks. But do you know what makes it worse? Spending the rest of our lives in the company of dumb girls who think sharing overused internet jokes about a made-up word is clever, and that their lives are hard because they can’t afford to get lip fillers. Let me say it again: You are not an adult. You are not clever. You are just an asshole.
Give me a fucking shovel, I’ll dig my own damn adult-sized grave..