======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
My head hurts right now. I won’t lie to you guys; I went out last night. I attended a holiday work party where my drink of choice for a large portion of the evening was cognac. I have never in my life had cognac before, but after I watched my boss order one following appetizers I leaned over to the waiter and said “You know what? I’ll have a cognac, as well. That sounds nice.”
Remember the douchebag in your group of friends that ordered a scotch and water every time he snuck into a bar your freshman year of college? I was that guy last night. I was drinking to impress others and not to satiate my pallet, and now I’m paying the price for it.
In my time as a drinker and appreciator of alcohol, I’ve experienced hangovers that span a large spectrum. I’ve had hangovers that last an hour and hangovers that last two days. I’ve had hangovers where throwing up the morning after is the only solution, and I’ve had ones where the key to no longer feeling like complete and total shit is to start drinking again.
You name the type of hangover and I’ve probably had it before. And do you want to know what is there for me every time I get a hangover? The one thing- the one constant in every hangover I’ve ever had is Advil.
I keep a ziploc baggie full of them inside the outer pocket of my backpack for emergencies. I have a bottle with three hundred sixty of “the coated wonders,” as I like to call them, next to my bed at home. I don’t eat them everyday, but when I’ve got a headache there is one brand and one brand only that I trust to help me out.
For me, the only thing that seems to cure a headache from drinking too much alcohol is three, sometimes four of those red coated tablets with the word “Advil” typed neatly across one side of the pill. I’ve been a huge brand snob for as long as I can remember, and there is just something about Advil that makes it better than all of the others.
Make no mistake- Aleve, Tylenol, fucking Motrin- all of those pain relievers can, as Dr. Dre would say, eat a bag of dicks. Advil is the only one that works. I’m sure that many of you have a preferred brand when it comes to ibuprofen and that’s totally fine, but if you’re not on Team Advil, then you’re not on the correct team. Advil is the best because it’s made by the best. Pfizer, baby. They’re like the New England Patriots of making drugs.
Sure, you can buy knock off ibuprofen for a quarter of the price, but do you really want to leave something as debilitating as a headache to something with the word “generic” in it? To some bootleg pretender brand? I didn’t think so.
We’ve heard for years that all ibuprofens are created equal. With all due respect to the powers that be, I think that’s a load of hogwash. It’s Advil or it’s nothing at all. Kanye West raps about Advil and that should honestly be enough for any of you to put down the Motrins and Aleves of this cruel world and make the switch to my team.
My head feels like it’s going to split in two, I forgot my packed lunch at home, and it’s only Tuesday. If it wasn’t for Advil, I’d be praying for the sweet release of death. But things could be worse. I could be eating generic brand ibuprofen from Walgreens.
Next time you have a headache, I pray to God that you think of this column and make the correct choice. It’s weapons grade ibuprofen, made for the best, by the best. Make it an Advil today, tomorrow, and for the rest of time..
Image via Youtube