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I woke up in a cold sweat in the early hours of Monday morning. I had work in less than four hours, but I knew something was wrong immediately after sitting up in bed. My knees were weak, my stomach was in knots, and after putting my feet onto the floor, I could feel the vomit coming up into my throat. I ran to the bathroom, swallowing trace amounts of puke as I lifted the toilet seat and finally purged myself of the lunch and dinner that had yet to digest itself wholly.
The expression “coming out of both ends” is one that you never want to hear. If you’ve ever muttered that phrase to someone to describe what you’re going through, you more than likely have food poisoning. However, after nearly an hour and a half of laying on my bathroom floor, alternating between vomiting and shitting liquid I legitimately thought I was dying. I am a petty person. I have enemies all over the country and I am telling you definitively that I wouldn’t wish this on my worst, most hated rival.
The biggest issue with self-diagnosis of food poisoning is that it is sometimes difficult to figure out what exactly caused your body to go all scorched earth on itself. Was it the turkey sandwich I ate with lettuce and tomato for lunch? Was it the brisket, ribs, coleslaw, and macaroni I devoured for dinner? I’ll never know the answer. And, for at least the next day, the only thing I’ll be eating is chicken broth.
An empty thirty-two ounce Nalgene water bottle will be the lasting image from this entire ordeal. Food poisoning prevents your stomach from keeping anything down. And I mean anything. I would sit down on the floor of my bathroom after throwing up, fill my Nalgene with cold water and stare at it. I knew what was going to happen if I drank it. But dehydration is a bitch, and nothing tastes better when there isn’t anything in your stomach than cold water. The fact that I would inevitably throw that water up? It really didn’t matter. A sip wouldn’t satisfy my bloodthirst even though a sip is all that my stomach could really handle. I would lean back, chug the entire water bottle, and then wait anywhere from thirty seconds to a few minutes before heaving it all back into the toilet. That momentary relief that I got was worth it, though. And on and on it went like this for the better part of ten hours.
The obvious solution to food poisoning is to get to a convenience store and buy up their entire stock of Pedialyte. This is easier said than done, especially if there isn’t a person there to get said Pedialyte for you. I was in my apartment alone, and while Pedialyte, Gatorade, or an IV did sound incredible, there was just no way I could get up from the cold bathroom floor where I had made myself a makeshift bed out of towels from underneath my sink. So in between bouts of vomit and liquid shit, I would masturbate furiously. Look, masturbating is something that everyone does. It’s not something that people like talking about in public forums, but during my trials and tribulations yesterday this was the one thing that gave me any relief.
I feel that it’s my duty to give you guys the straight dope. If you have food poisoning (which gives you terrible cramps), and you’re unable to get electrolytes of any kind, masturbation is the only way to relieve that pain. You won’t find relief in the form of food, water, or painkillers because all of that shit refuses to stay in your stomach. Masturbation is a temporary solution. I can promise you that you’ll forget about the cramps for the three to seven minutes that you sit there flicking your bean or milking yourself. Nothing about dealing with food poisoning is glamorous, so just keep that masturbation card in your bag of tricks next time you feel like you’ve eaten something that is going to destroy your insides for the next 24 hours. .
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