Five People That Had A Worse Weekend Than You: Violence

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Happy Monday, suckers. As you all roll into work this morning — except for those of you that have MLK Day off, you lucky bastards — I’m coming to you from my living room couch, where I will be spending the next two weeks working from home in my pajamas, occasionally forgetting to shower, while I recover from some surgery. No worries, I’m just fine, and ever better every time I pop a painkiller.

As you can imagine, I had a pretty neutral weekend, as that most of it was spent on my couch watching football while my mom called 45,807,457 times to ask me if I needed anything. As that I figured it was impolite to say “Bitch, I need you to stop calling so I can sleep,” I did eventually let her come over to pick up my laundry to wash it for me. Life ain’t bad, folks. Or at the very least, it’s better than what these people are dealing with.

Dudes Who Smoke Weed (AKA, Every Dude I Know)

We’ve all heard of whiskey dick – a dude’s **cough** inability to perform sexually when he’s had one too many bevvies at the bar. In order to avoid this most unfortunate series of events, guys have started counting on weed as an alternative, smoking up in order to achieve a “stoner boner.” But I’m here to disappoint you pot-heads, because according to science, there’s no such thing.

In a recent study, researchers found that “although men may claim to have increased sexual stamina after smoking, it’s possible it’s only because the drug has altered their perception of time.” So in other words, that you’re harder after blazing is all in your imagination.

To further ruin things, sex researcher Justin Lehmiller also stated, “Consistent with the idea that higher doses of cannabis may be problematic, research has found that the prevalence of erectile dysfunction is three times as high for daily marijuana smokers compared to those who don’t use it at all.”

And cue at least 75% of guys reading this thinking “uh oh” and looking down. [via MIC]

Dustin Diamond

I think we all knew, even way back that, if a member of the cast of Saved By The Bell was going to wind up in jail, it was going to be Screech. Although, I thought that it would be for hardcore stalking some woman, a la Lisa Turtle, but alas, it was for a bar fight.

Diamond, the actor that portrayed Screech, reported to a jail in Wisconsin on Friday to begin a four-month sentence for his role in a bar fracas that occurred on Christmas Day 2014, during which Diamond stabbed a man with a switchblade. The victim suffered a non-threatening wound, but Diamond was still found guilty of carrying a concealed weapon and disorderly conduct. He stated during this sentencing that pulling his knife would “take the fight out of the people,” a defense that even Zach Morris couldn’t get behind.

[via US Weekly]

Matt Barnes

Memphis Grizzlies player Matt Barnes has been having a rough time of it lately. During the offseason, Barnes got into it with New York Knicks coach Derek Fisher, over Fisher’s dating of Barnes’ estranged wife, Gloria Govan. The two former friends – and teammates – had it out in October, when Barnes found Fisher at Govan’s home after being told by his sons that they were uncomfortable that “Mommy’s friend Derek” was over.

It seemed as though the situation had calmed down, but then the Grizzlies faced the Knicks on Saturday evening. Barnes threw some shade at Fisher leading up to the game, but the two appeared not to interact at all during the game. In fact, the game almost passed without incident, until some of that shade came back to bite Barnes in the ass, particularly this passage: “There’s support throughout the league, other leagues, GMs, owners, entertainers, actors, everybody. It’s been a great support. Every man who looks at the situation knows what’s right and wrong. Violence is never the answer, but sometimes it is. And unfortunately, it happened.”

As you can imagine, the folks at the NBA weren’t too cool with one of their players stating that violence is occasionally the answer, particularly when said-violence would be perpetrated against one of their coaches. Kiki VanDeWeghe (best.name.ever.), the NBA executive vice president of basketball operations, came out on Sunday, saying “Matt Barnes’ comments condoning violence do not reflect who we are as a league or the character of our players. His words are unacceptable and entirely inconsistent with the core principles of this game and the NBA.” Barnes was subsequently hit with a $35,000 fine – bringing his total fines for behavior related to Fisher to almost $100,000. (The October incident lead to a two-game suspension and a $64,000 fine for Barnes.)

Ok, I’m just going to put this out there – no, violence is never the answer and Barnes has said some fucked up shit, but isn’t Fisher in the wrong here too? While I’m far from shocked that the NBA doesn’t have some kind of morals clause that covers banging coaches banging players’ soon-to-be-ex-wives, isn’t there some guy code that does? I mean, bros before hoes, amirite? [via New York Daily Post]

Aaron Rodgers

I must admit, I didn’t really care who won the Cardinals/Packers game on Saturday night. But even I can admit it was awesome when Rodgers threw a Hail Mary from the 41 with 55 seconds left to tie the game. But Rodgers got screwed in the subsequent overtime – twice.

First, the coin toss.

Now seriously, how can you fuck up a coin toss? It’s literally as easy as it sounds – you flip a coin in the air. But after the coin did not flip in the air during the initial toss, referee Clete Blakeman decided to re-flip the coin – without giving Rodgers a chance to change his call of tails. Since Rodgers actually strategically calls the coin toss, he wasn’t cool with this, according to ESPN:

“Clete had it on heads,” Rodgers said. “He was showing heads, so I called tails, and it didn’t flip. It just tossed up in the air and did not turn over at all. It landed in the ground. So we obviously thought that was not right.

“He picked the coin up and flipped it to tails, and then he flipped it without giving me a chance to make a recall there. It was confusing.” Rodgers indicated he would have called “heads” on the second toss if given the chance.

This lead to the second thing that didn’t go in Rodgers favor – the Packers losing the game without ever touching the ball. Carson Palmer was able to connect with Larry Fitzgerald, who ran for 75-yards before getting tackled on the 5-yard line; Fitzgerald then took the ball in on the next play to end the game.

Oh, well, Aaron. Look at it this way – you’ve got more time to spend with your lady friend now.

[via Deadspin and CBSSports]

Whoever Left This Powerball Slip Behind

Let’s face it – we were all disappointed when we didn’t win the Powerball jackpot on Wednesday. Of course, we all knew that the odds were hilariously against us, but still we dreamed of the house/boat/car(s) we would buy when we hit it big, and it sucked when we didn’t. But at least we weren’t the person who left this Powerball slip behind.

According to The New York Post, “Frederick Walker said there was already a completed play slip at the Sav-A-Ton in Lake Mary [Florida] where he purchased his ticket and decided to try his hand using those numbers.” And what was the result of Walker, a first-time lottery player, using that filled-out slip to pick his numbers? $2,000,000, after he hit all five regular numbers and used the two times multiplier.

I guess my mama was right when she told me that I should always finish what I started. I’m sure whoever wrote out that slip but left it behind is probably kicking themselves in the ass right now…while Frederick rolls by in his new Range Rover. [via New York Post]

Image via Joe Seer / Shutterstock.com

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Jenna Crowley

Jenna used to be known as 2NOTBrokeGirls, but then one of the girls actually went broke, so she's struck out on her own. Jenna spends her free time saving the world, one sorority girl at a time (usually while wearing yoga pants), questioning why she decided to get a doctorate, documenting her love of all things cheese related, and hosting the new PGP podcast Don't Take It From Us. You can ask her anything you want about football, using your boobs to get what you want, and pizza at @JennaLCrowley on Twitter or via email at JennaLCrowley@gmail.com.

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