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Instead of an intro, I’m just going to dive right into it… you’ll understand why right below.
Me
As I write this, I’m sitting in in a Midwestern airport trying to get home in time to watch my beloved Patriots the Super Bowl. As of right now, I’m landing at 7:26 p.m., which means I’m missing at least the first quarter, if you factor in all the bullshit at the beginning. So clearly, I’M NOT HAVING A GOOD WEEKEND. But instead of pacing the gate like the rage-filled/anxiety-ridden psycho that I feel like on the inside right now, I figure it’s more productive that I use this time to give you the content you’ve come to depend on to get through your Monday, since I’m definitely not going to be in a ‘tent producing mood later, whichever way it goes. But if this week’s edition feels a little bitter, you know the reason why.
Timothy Woods
A few weeks ago, I wrote about a guy who lost an MMA fight in record time, which I imagine is an embarrassing distinction to hold. Almost as humiliating as the one Mr. Woods achieved this weekend.
During CES MMA 48 at the Twin River Casino in Lincoln, Rhode Island on Friday night, Woods was battling Tim Caron when something went pretty wrong at about the minute twenty mark. Woods attempted to throw Caron to the mat and somehow managed to send his own head crashing into the canvas, knocking himself out.
Insanity. Hope he's OK but that was not a great move. RT @ZPGIFs: Tim Caron vs. Timothy Woods #CES48 Yup Self KO pic.twitter.com/kYdoGCvKjQ
— Toru Yano Wins (@Toru_Yano_Shrug) February 3, 2018
Caron gets the KO for his non-effort, and Woods gets to live in infamy as the guy who lost by rendering himself unconscious. Win/win, right? [via The Bleacher Repor]
Amazon Workers
I’ve always imagined it was pretty cool to work at Amazon. But given the newest patent they’ve applied for, maybe not.
The company that Bezos built has filed two patent applications for wristband trackers for their employees; think a FitBit that tracks your work instead of your steps. According to the New York Post:
The wristbands would emit ultrasonic sound pulses or radio transmissions to detect where a workers’ hands are in relation to inventory bins. If a worker reaches for the wrong product, the wristband would vibrate as part of a “haptic feedback system” that could then steer the employee to the right bin.
Amazon insists the wristbands would help workers be more efficient, and make it easier to locate products in the company’s warehouses.
Umm, yeah right. I know how this goes. First, you’re using it to make sure I’m picking up the right products and soon it’s monitoring how many times a day I go to the bathroom. I refused to be punished for drinking a gallon of water a day, dammit. [via New York Post]
We received the following statement from an official Amazon spokesperson after this column published:
“The speculation about this patent is misguided. Every day at companies around the world, employees use handheld scanners to check inventory and fulfill orders. This idea, if implemented in the future, would improve the process for our fulfillment associates. By moving equipment to associates’ wrists, we could free up their hands from scanners and their eyes from computer screens.” – Amazon Spokesperson.
Duke
Any day that Grayson Allen loses is a good day in my book, so there was a least one positive to the weekend, but if you’re a player for Duke, you probably didn’t have a great one.
The Blue Devils were taken down by St. John’s (who haven’t won a Big East game all season) at Madison Square Garden on Saturday, with a final score of 81-77. Among the lowlights:
• St. John’s outscored the Blue Devils 32-14 in the first 12 minutes of the second half to take an 11-point lead
• In the first 14:36 of the second half, Duke made only five shots from the field
• The Red Storm attempted 32 layups or dunks, leading to 40 points in the paint
• Grayson Allen made his first field goal with 35 seconds remaining
As you may imagine, Coach K was not pleased saying, “It was disgusting, really.”
Or joyous, depending on how you look at it. [via ESPN]
Tom Hardy
Personally, I find Leonardo DiCaprio overrated. Yes, it’s an unpopular position, but your girl doesn’t mind being in the minority when it comes to over-hyped actors, the superiority of pencils and the grossness of guacamole.
Given my feelings about Leo, I, therefore, have to feel sorry for actor Tom Hardy, whose lost a bet to his Revenant co-star had some permanent consequences.
According to Access Hollywood:
Leo was so confident that his co-star would score an Academy Award nomination that the two made a hilarious bet. If Tom did get nominated, he agreed to get a tattoo of the winner’s choosing.
“He wrote, in this really sh—y handwriting: ‘Leo knows everything.’ Ha! I was like, ‘OK, I’ll get it done, but you have to write it properly,” Tom told Esquire in 2016.
No friend would actually hold someone to that, would they? Well, as this new pic from a fan shows, DiCaprio definitely held Hardy to the terms of the bet (see his bicep):
Doesn’t Leo know that no one likes a know-it-all? [via Access Online] .
Image via Shutterstock
Respond
Jenna Crowley
Jenna used to be known as 2NOTBrokeGirls, but then one of the girls actually went broke, so she's struck out on her own. Jenna spends her free time saving the world, one sorority girl at a time (usually while wearing yoga pants), questioning why she decided to get a doctorate, documenting her love of all things cheese related, and hosting the new PGP podcast Don't Take It From Us. You can ask her anything you want about football, using your boobs to get what you want, and pizza at @JennaLCrowley on Twitter or via email at JennaLCrowley@gmail.com.
@JennaLCrowley
@donttakeitfromus
Thought Tom Hardy was a typo from Tom Brady, who also had a slightly shitty weekend.
Probably would have been for the best you missed the entire game. You don’t seem like an insufferable Patriots fan so I have one molecule of sympathy for you. But just one.
Me.
T&P’s buddy.
#6: That Eagles fan that was recorded eating horse shit last night (Google for video at your own risk). I expected their fans to sink low, but not this low.
I’ve heard nothing but terrible things about working for amazon.
They treat their warehouse employees like shit. Their whole plan is to replace everyone with technology, so in their mind a worker is a sign of waste. To be fair we also treat our employees like shit but we just don’t invest in the tech to replace them. I don’t really know who is worst.
It’s not just warehouse employees. Their IT department has bad turnover rates because they’re massively overworked. A lot of people stay there long enough to get Amazon on their resume and then jump ship.
I think that’s how it works for most tech companies, you work at it for a while to get the name on your resume and then you bounce to another job that doesn’t suck.
Amazon works you into the ground but it works for them because there are so many people eager to be in tech. If you can suck it up for 2-3 years it’s a killer resume addition though.
Can confirm. Pretty soon, we’ll all be Amazon employees whether we know it or not. Once the housing market corrects itself, Amazon will probably buy the White House on the dip and then Bezos will turn it into his D.C. meetings home since he’ll probably try to buy the Pentagon soon after
Ditto. Wouldn’t let my worst enemy work there.
How about that game, Jenna
BIRDS
So this wristband has a “haptic feedback system” that vibrates if they mess up. How is that different from a dog’s shock collar? Dick move, Bezos.