Five People That Had A Worse Weekend Than You: All Football, All The Time

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Despite my singular focus on Sundays from August through January, I tend to try and not write too much about football. Why? Well, even though I don’t understand it, I know that there are people out there in the world that don’t love the game as much as I do, and I try to make sure that everyone can find someone to identify with here so that we can all feel a little bit better about our weekends. But this weekend, conference championship weekend, I simply can’t do it. I can’t tear my mind away from all things pigskin to try and diversify. So to those who don’t spend their Sundays obsessed with the gridiron, I’m sorry. Check back next weekend for what is likely to be a football-free edition, as that no one actually cares about the Pro Bowl anyway.

For the rest of you, football loving denizens, let’s go.

Tom Brady’s Kids

There is very, very little that TB12 can do wrong in my world. Of course, I am writing this particular portion of this column on Sunday morning, as that my focus from about 3 p.m. today on will be elsewhere, so I may have different thoughts later on depending on the outcome of today’s late game. But as of 11:09 a.m. on Sunday, January 22, 2017, Tom Brady is my favorite human alive, a view that his children probably share. I mean, what could be more awesome than a dad who is arguably the greatest quarterback to ever play the game?

Well… they may like him a little bit more if he let them eat pizza or a peanut butter cup. The Boston Globe recently did an interview with Allen Campbell, Brady and wife Gisele Bundchen’s private chef. And while we all have heard that the QB and the supermodel adhere to a pretty strict “clean” food regime, but apparently that extends to their kids (9-year-old John, 7-year-old Benjamin, and 4-year-old Vivian) too. Campbell told the paper about the kids’ diet:

So, 80 percent of what they eat is vegetables. [I buy] the freshest vegetables. If it’s not organic, I don’t use it. And whole grains: brown rice, quinoa, millet, beans. The other 20 percent is lean meats: grass-fed organic steak, duck every now and then, and chicken. As for fish, I mostly cook wild salmon.

Yum. And what about the kids’ snacks?

For snacks, I make fruit rolls from bananas, pineapple, and spirulina. Spirulina is an algae. It’s a super fruit. I dehydrate it. I dehydrate a lot of things. I have three dehydrators in their kitchen. I also make raw granola and raw chocolate chip cookies.

Fruit roll ups made from algae? Tom, I know your body is your business, but how about you let the kids eat a Dunkaroo every now and again? [via Boston Globe]

Reggie Bush

Remember when Reggie Bush used to be known just for his football skills? Yeah, me neither. Of course, the former USC running back probably brought that upon himself by dating the world’s most famous famewhore, Kim Kardashian. Yes, Kim has moved on and married (twice), and Reggie is also now married (to a Kim look-alike), but Bush still remains more in the spotlight for his off-the -field life instead of his on-the-field stats.

This time around, Bush has been named as the baby-daddy to a child that is due to a Miami nightclub waitress due in February. Problem is, not only is the waitress not his wife Lilit Avagyan, she’s married to someone else – who is obviously not too happy his wife was knocked up by the Buffalo Bush.

The husband of the waitress, identified only as “Monique,” has filed for divorce and named Bush several times in the paperwork, demanding that his soon-to-be ex “hand over any documentation proving he could be the father … such as DNA tests, confidentiality agreements or payments he may have made to her,” according to TMZ.

Here’s a tip for the NFL: maybe we need a basic course in contraception for the rookies? Just a thought. [via TMZ]

Kirk Cousins

The Redskins QB actually had a pretty decent 2016 season – he threw a career-high 458 passing yards, he won his third NFC Offensive Player of the Week award as well as the NFC Offensive Player of the Month for November, and saw himself become a viral gif for his “YOU LIKE THAT!” outburst. But, he didn’t make the playoffs, and instead is spending his January weekends a little bit differently than Tom Brady and Matt Ryan:

Sephora is actually way more than a perfume store, but I won’t beat a man when he’s down.

Ryan Grigson

The Indianapolis Colts fired GM Ryan Grigson on Saturday, but not before the team actually hired a team of psychologists to try and fix the marriage dynamic between him and head coach Chuck Pagano.

According to ESPN:

According to sources, one person compared the meetings to a couple going to marriage counseling, hoping they could work out their issues with the help of a third party.

Unfortunately, those two crazy kids couldn’t make it work and team owner Jim Irsay decided that it was Grigson that had to go, saying:

“It was gut, intuitive, instinct from looking at where we were and where we are as a franchise. I think that we needed to make a change, I felt. Intuitively you get the feeling when the timing’s right where a change will help and whereas continuity is something that I really want and long to have as much as we can have it, but in this case I really felt the time was right to make a change. We needed some new direction just in the vision of our football program. That’s from talking to a lot of people and giving it a lot of thought.”

No word on who got custody of Andrew Luck. [via ESPN]

The Pittsburgh Steelers

Again, I’m writing this early on Sunday, so I won’t even mention the beatdown that my Patriots are about the deliver on Roethlisberger and company. (Update at 9:47pm: I’m so glad I didn’t have to amend that comment.) Instead, let’s talk about the night the Steelers had before Sunday’s game.

For some reason, the Steelers stayed at the Hilton at Boston’s Logan Airport, as opposed to any of the 900 nicer hotels in the city, and a…shall we say, dedicated Pats fan decided to not let the team get a good night’s rest, pulling the hotel fire alarm around 3 a.m.

The would-be firebug hopped into a getaway car, but was apprehended by the Massachusetts State Police a short time later:

Mr. Harrison clearly doesn’t remember that the fire alarm tends to have the opposite effect. It was pulled in the Patriots’ hotel not once, but twice, during their stay in Arizona before they played the Seahawks in Super Bowl XLIX – and we all know how that turned out. Too bad it didn’t go that way for the Steelers. [via Bleacher Report] .

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Jenna Crowley

Jenna used to be known as 2NOTBrokeGirls, but then one of the girls actually went broke, so she's struck out on her own. Jenna spends her free time saving the world, one sorority girl at a time (usually while wearing yoga pants), questioning why she decided to get a doctorate, documenting her love of all things cheese related, and hosting the new PGP podcast Don't Take It From Us. You can ask her anything you want about football, using your boobs to get what you want, and pizza at @JennaLCrowley on Twitter or via email at JennaLCrowley@gmail.com.

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