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Five People That Had A Worse 2017 Than You

by Jan 02, 2018
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Five People That Had A Worse 2017 Than You

Before we get to mocking some people that had a relatively crappy 2017, there are actually a lot of people who legitimately had a worse 2017 than you, particularly those who were affected by Hurricanes Maria, Irma and Harvey, as well as the wildfires in California. While we celebrate the New Year, there are still people in Puerto Rico without power more than three months after Hurricane Maria hit. So as you make your resolutions, perhaps one of them can be to make a donation to people who are working to help these U.S. citizens, such as World Central Kitchen or Direct Relief.

Now let’s kick off 2018 by mocking some people, shall we?

Tom Cruise

The artist formerly known as Maverick is one of the celebs to have the distinct honor of appearing in this column two times during 2017, dethroning Shia LaBeouf as my reigning favorite celebrity target. Tom did have it rough in 2017 – first, he was injured on the set of Mission Impossible 6 and then his version of The Mummy absolutely tanked. Plus there was all that bad press around Scientology. But let’s be honest – all will be forgiven after we get the Top Gun sequel.

Martin Shkreli

In doing research for this roundup, I discovered that Mr. Shkreli appeared not once, not twice, but three times in this column during 2017. In case you have forgotten, Shkreli is the bottom feeder that raised the price of Daraprim (pyrimethamine), a 62-year-old drug used to treat AIDS, to $750 a tablet from $13.50 after his company, Turing Pharmaceuticals, acquired it.

Shkreli started off 2017 with bang, getting himself banned from Twitter for harassing journalist Lauren Duca.

Then, the next week (literally), Shkreli was hit in the face with dog poop while appearing at UC Davis with the equally loveable Milo Yiannopoulos (who is also banned from Twitter).

And then finally, Shkreli rounded out his 2017 appearances by being convicted in a federal fraud case in August; he’ll be sentenced this month, but he’s already in jail, having had his bail revoked for posting a $5,000 reward for a strand of Hillary Clinton’s hair on Facebook.

The cherry on the sundae for this gross human being: this will be the last time I write about him. Rot in hell, buddy.

NFL

If Donald Trump was a wizard instead of President, I would definitely believe that he placed a curse this year on his one of his favorite Twitter targets, the NFL. First, there were the injuries: Carson Wentz, Zach Miller, Carson Palmer, Aaron Rodgers , Odell Beckham Jr., and Ryan Tannehill all went down with some pretty serious injuries that had some pretty big effects: the Green Bay Packers missed the playoffs and Jay Cutler got a job. I’m not sure which one of those seemed more unbelievable when the season started, but here we are.

And then there were the calls: the Buffalo Bills, the Pittsburgh Steelers, and the New York Jets were all victims of totally blown calls. Of course, those first two were against my beloved Patriots, so personally, I had a pretty good football year.

Travelers

This year was likely tough for you if you were a frequent flyer of the friendly skies. Over the course of the year, people got stuck in the Atlanta airport with no power, travelers were no longer allowed to wear UGGs, long flights were turned back halfway through, pets were lost, and anyone that ever been forced to take Air France realized it sucks. I’d say that I’d stay home in 2018, but given that I’ve got six flights booked in January, that doesn’t seem to be in the plans.

Teeth

Teeth were flying all over the sports world this year, from Isaiah Thomas:

to Chris Iannetta:

to Jimmy Vesey.

As a result, one group of people probably having a good year? Dentists.

Donald Trump Jr.

Sure, there’s that whole Russia thing, but being trolled not once, but twice for ridiculous photos you yourself put on the internet? Priceless.

Might be time to cancel that Instagram account, Junior.

Image via a katz / Shutterstock.com

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Jenna Crowley

Jenna used to be known as 2NOTBrokeGirls, but then one of the girls actually went broke, so she's struck out on her own. Jenna spends her free time saving the world, one sorority girl at a time (usually while wearing yoga pants), questioning why she decided to get a doctorate, documenting her love of all things cheese related, and hosting the new PGP podcast Don't Take It From Us. You can ask her anything you want about football, using your boobs to get what you want, and pizza at @JennaLCrowley on Twitter or via email at JennaLCrowley@gmail.com.

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