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Well, I come to you writing this on a Tuesday which means one thing: I’ve officially gotten over my hungover, the I’m-never-drinking-again phase, and have moved on to looking forward to the weekend. But this week, something is different. As much as I’m already ready for this work week to be over, I can’t help but feel a nagging doubt in my mind about going to the bars for the roughly 300th consecutive weekend. Sure, bars are fun, but are they perfect? No, but I think I have some solutions.
A Separate Bathroom For Doing Cocaine
Look, it’s time to face the facts. Everyone is doing coke. Young guys who are still in college party mode. Old guys who are just trying not to fall asleep at the bar. It doesn’t matter. They’re blowing lines in the bathroom. Unfortunately, this presents a logistical problem because some weirdos are actually trying to use the bathroom for its intended purpose, and it’s causing a bit of a traffic jam.
Anytime you’re at a club and you see a line for the men’s room, that’s because two sweaty finance guys have been hogging the stall for ten minutes, and I, personally, have had enough of it. I propose a simple, two-bathroom solution. One would have urinals and stalls, aka a normal bathroom, and the other would simply be a small room with several glass tables. Not only does that solve the line problem (pun intended) for the bar owners, but it also helps people not have to inhale nasty microscopic fecal matters when they’re doing illegal hard drugs. Let’s try to stay safe, alright?
Can We Add Some Fucking Trashcans?
I’ve been on both sides of the bar, and one thing that’s always bothered me is the setup of trashcans. Most bars will have several behind the bar, and a couple more hidden near the server stations, and absolutely none easily accessible to the patrons. Why? Why is this? Is trash a valuable resource? Do bartenders like having a line of empty bottles and cans lining the bar? I can’t understand who this is beneficial for.
Let’s put several large, cafeteria-style trashcans around the room so people can throw away their own empties and don’t have to place them on the bar, or wait for a server to take them from their table. As a former bartender, it would have made my job easier, and as a current bar attendee, it would make me a lot less likely to accidentally knock an empty bottle off my table and create a glass bomb in the middle of a crowder section. More trashcans. Simple fix.
No Shots After Midnight
I’m not going to lie, I went back and forth on this rule several times. On one hand, we can all agree it would be beneficial to our health, decision making, and general well-being. On the other hand, if I want to do a shot of well tequila at 2 a.m. because I make exclusively the worst decisions, that’s my God-given right — and what bar can deny me that? Is this a first amendment issue? I don’t know, but it sure seems like it’s infringing on my freedom. However, this rule stands. I’m 26. My hangovers are atrocious. I can no longer pretend that I should be in charge of my own life. Please. Please stop me from ordering shots after midnight. I need a firm hand. I’ll hate the bar at night, but I’ll love it in the morning.
Rank Bar Patrons By Their Tip Average
I’m not sure of the logistics of this plan but I have the bones of an idea in place. Basically, when you open up a tab, the bar would save your information (perhaps linked to a card, or by name), and it would create a profile for you. This can be used to store your favorite drinks, help the bartenders remember your names, and more importantly, track your tipping habits. Each profile will keep track of your Average Tip Rate (or ATR), and will give you perks accordingly. Here’s what I’m thinking.
Tier One (0%-14% ATR)
No perks. You’re consistently tipping below what’s acceptable and this should be discouraged.
Tier Two (15%-20% ATR)
Congrats, you consistently tip a normal amount. That’s not sarcasm. You’d be surprised how many people don’t. Perks will include front-of-the-line privileges and a free pitcher on your birthday.
Tier Three (21%-30% ATR)
You’re a big baller and all the bartenders love you. Perks will include control over one TV of your choosing and the ability to sit anywhere you’d like. That means you could kick a group of Tier Twos out of a booth and switch a TV to Dancing With The Stars during Monday Night Football, if you really wanted to. Please don’t, though.
Tier Four (30%+ ATR)
You’re a god. Along with all the other perks, you can also have control over the music for an hour, and stay up to 30 minutes later after the bar closes (for which the bar could get fined big-time, so be appreciative).
No Bathroom Attendants
This rule is pretty clear but I’m going to use this time to get some things off my chest. Why the fuck does this job exist? Why do bars allows these people to set up shop in the bathroom and make what should be a very simple action more complicated and awkward? Bathroom attendants offer no services that aren’t already available. I’m not four years old. I can wash my hands and grab my own paper towels. I can even wipe my own ass. I don’t need anyone to attend to me in the bathroom and I definitely don’t need to tip someone for making my life harder. I don’t want someone to pout soap on my hands. I don’t want someone to hand my paper towels to me. These guys not only make my bathroom trip more complicated, they then expect me to tip them for it?
No. Fuck no. I’m not being guilted into tipping someone for something that I never asked for. These guys are just the bathroom version of the people that start “cleaning” your windshield with a dirty towel at the red light and then ask you to tip them. Fuck that. I understand that maybe they need the money, but there are better ways to get it. Stay out my bathrooms. .