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Well, I come to you writing this on a Tuesday which means one thing: I’ve officially gotten over my hungover, the I’m-never-drinking-again phase, and have moved on to looking forward to the weekend. But this week, something is different. As much as I’m already ready for this work week to be over, I can’t help but feel a nagging doubt in my mind about going to the bars for the roughly 300th consecutive weekend. Sure, bars are fun, but are they perfect? No, but I think I have some solutions.
A Separate Bathroom For Doing Cocaine
Look, it’s time to face the facts. Everyone is doing coke. Young guys who are still in college party mode. Old guys who are just trying not to fall asleep at the bar. It doesn’t matter. They’re blowing lines in the bathroom. Unfortunately, this presents a logistical problem because some weirdos are actually trying to use the bathroom for its intended purpose, and it’s causing a bit of a traffic jam.
Anytime you’re at a club and you see a line for the men’s room, that’s because two sweaty finance guys have been hogging the stall for ten minutes, and I, personally, have had enough of it. I propose a simple, two-bathroom solution. One would have urinals and stalls, aka a normal bathroom, and the other would simply be a small room with several glass tables. Not only does that solve the line problem (pun intended) for the bar owners, but it also helps people not have to inhale nasty microscopic fecal matters when they’re doing illegal hard drugs. Let’s try to stay safe, alright?
Can We Add Some Fucking Trashcans?
I’ve been on both sides of the bar, and one thing that’s always bothered me is the setup of trashcans. Most bars will have several behind the bar, and a couple more hidden near the server stations, and absolutely none easily accessible to the patrons. Why? Why is this? Is trash a valuable resource? Do bartenders like having a line of empty bottles and cans lining the bar? I can’t understand who this is beneficial for.
Let’s put several large, cafeteria-style trashcans around the room so people can throw away their own empties and don’t have to place them on the bar, or wait for a server to take them from their table. As a former bartender, it would have made my job easier, and as a current bar attendee, it would make me a lot less likely to accidentally knock an empty bottle off my table and create a glass bomb in the middle of a crowder section. More trashcans. Simple fix.
No Shots After Midnight
I’m not going to lie, I went back and forth on this rule several times. On one hand, we can all agree it would be beneficial to our health, decision making, and general well-being. On the other hand, if I want to do a shot of well tequila at 2 a.m. because I make exclusively the worst decisions, that’s my God-given right — and what bar can deny me that? Is this a first amendment issue? I don’t know, but it sure seems like it’s infringing on my freedom. However, this rule stands. I’m 26. My hangovers are atrocious. I can no longer pretend that I should be in charge of my own life. Please. Please stop me from ordering shots after midnight. I need a firm hand. I’ll hate the bar at night, but I’ll love it in the morning.
Rank Bar Patrons By Their Tip Average
I’m not sure of the logistics of this plan but I have the bones of an idea in place. Basically, when you open up a tab, the bar would save your information (perhaps linked to a card, or by name), and it would create a profile for you. This can be used to store your favorite drinks, help the bartenders remember your names, and more importantly, track your tipping habits. Each profile will keep track of your Average Tip Rate (or ATR), and will give you perks accordingly. Here’s what I’m thinking.
Tier One (0%-14% ATR)
No perks. You’re consistently tipping below what’s acceptable and this should be discouraged.
Tier Two (15%-20% ATR)
Congrats, you consistently tip a normal amount. That’s not sarcasm. You’d be surprised how many people don’t. Perks will include front-of-the-line privileges and a free pitcher on your birthday.
Tier Three (21%-30% ATR)
You’re a big baller and all the bartenders love you. Perks will include control over one TV of your choosing and the ability to sit anywhere you’d like. That means you could kick a group of Tier Twos out of a booth and switch a TV to Dancing With The Stars during Monday Night Football, if you really wanted to. Please don’t, though.
Tier Four (30%+ ATR)
You’re a god. Along with all the other perks, you can also have control over the music for an hour, and stay up to 30 minutes later after the bar closes (for which the bar could get fined big-time, so be appreciative).
No Bathroom Attendants
This rule is pretty clear but I’m going to use this time to get some things off my chest. Why the fuck does this job exist? Why do bars allows these people to set up shop in the bathroom and make what should be a very simple action more complicated and awkward? Bathroom attendants offer no services that aren’t already available. I’m not four years old. I can wash my hands and grab my own paper towels. I can even wipe my own ass. I don’t need anyone to attend to me in the bathroom and I definitely don’t need to tip someone for making my life harder. I don’t want someone to pout soap on my hands. I don’t want someone to hand my paper towels to me. These guys not only make my bathroom trip more complicated, they then expect me to tip them for it?
No. Fuck no. I’m not being guilted into tipping someone for something that I never asked for. These guys are just the bathroom version of the people that start “cleaning” your windshield with a dirty towel at the red light and then ask you to tip them. Fuck that. I understand that maybe they need the money, but there are better ways to get it. Stay out my bathrooms. .
Respond
Nick Arcadia
The opposite of a life coach. Email or DM me if you want some bad advice: nickarcadiapgp@gmail.com
@noampao
noamio
Does everyone tip bathroom attendants? I feel like a dick every time but I’m just not going to give a guy $1 for handing me one paper towel to dry my hands (everyone knows you need at least three to properly dry them)
I don’t unless I take something from their offerings. It makes slightly more sense in women’s bathrooms… they usually have hairspray, tampons, makeup remover wipes for when you’ve been dancing a little too hard and all your makeup is melting down your face. That being said if I had to choose between bathroom attendant and no bathroom attendant I would choose no attendant every time.
Nope. It helps I don’t carry cash but I’m not tipping for something I’d prefer to do myself.
Not having cash used to be my go-to excuse for getting out of that awkward situation. But now the ones in Dallas have started getting crafty and carrying Square readers.
If I ever used one of the 47 colognes the attendant has sit up in the titter I would probably tip. On that note, I can’t believe people actually use bathroom spray and then go home to their SO smelling like a middle school dance and claim innocence.
Everything alright at home?
I don’t unless I’m at the same bar for a long time. When I drink I have to pee approximately every 15 minutes so I tip them every 3rd time or so
Isn’t the bathroom attendant really just there to make sure you don’t do drugs or bang or pass out in the bathroom? The soap and mint dispensing is just to make him a tipped employee so the bar can pay him less.
I think you are right, I have also heard that this is the primary reason for bathroom attendants.
I don’t tip them for squirting soap onto my hands and handing me a paper towel. If I use something else they are providing, then I tip, but I don’t use Axe Spray, so chances are slim.
No big Jenga.
Also, rounded prices. Yeah tax I get it, but I hate getting change at a bar.
Are you not tipping the difference…? *Tier One Alert*
If the bartender is paying enough attention that I can say “keep the change” before they come back with my cash, I’ll do that, but I’m not going to hand them back loose coins, it’s just not the move. Bills only after the money is back in your hand, right?
Agreed with PC here. You hand them bills like an adult.
Bartender here. Keep your coins, bills only.
I’m a big believer in a dollar a drink. If the place charges reasonable prices that’s a great tip. If the place is over charging for whiskey coke, that’s on them.
All in on this unless you’re ordering drinks with more than 2 ingredients. You want some fancy something or other, tip well. If you’re getting beers or a vodka soda or whiskey rocks or something, dollar/drink should be plenty.
Make college drink prices universal. I miss paying a dollar per drink and racing to kill my liver as fast as possible before specials ended.
Having the bartender give you your credit card back immediately after opening a bar tab (they only do that at certain bars here in CA). 80% of the time I’ll get drunk and forget my card at the bar.
I’ve always wished they had beer vendors outside the bar for people stuck in a long line. I’m thinking this would make the most sense at beach bars or something like that during the summer
Katy trail ice house employs this on Saturdays and Sundays. One of the many reason it is a top 5 in Texas
Fairly common practice here in the south. So are drive-thru daiquiris/mixed drink places, and drive-thru convenience stores.
This is the whole basis of Doug and Steve on “A Night at the Roxbury”.
Can I please pay for a beer with Apple Pay? Make a reader with a tip option, and I will just tap and go for each round. So much easier than holding a card and writing an indistinguishable amount on a slip of paper.
No you fucking millennial
Toast is a startup making this ERP ecosystem
No shots after midnight!? You a communist!?
Bar tipping is simple: a minimum of $1 every time you get served, unless the following happens: A) you get 5 or more drinks and/or B) you order something complex and obnoxious. However You are okay to tip $1 for up to 7 drinks if you are buying only bottled beer. Also, try to tip in cash if you can. Employers have to report tips on their staffs earnings, but cash can go right to o your bartender.
I think this method is entirely fair, especially considering you’re likely to make multiple trips to the bar.