======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
A sweat stain outlining where I laid down in my bed is a shameful reminder of the night before. I went out drinking, and when I came home I was too delirious to get in the shower before passing out.
Now I’m staring at the wall with my bedside lamp on questioning everything — wondering if this Advil is ever going to start doing its fucking job or if my fluttering heartbeat will ever slow down enough for me to get back to sleep. These are symptoms of a classic hangover, one that will take an entire day to recover from.
We know what it means to have a hangover. They’re vicious, unwavering beasts that ravage the mind and the body in a way that no real illness can.
Online publications have covered the standard hangover ad nauseam so I won’t bore you with stale, hackneyed hyperbole about how awful it is to be on the wrong side of 25 and discovering that drinking just isn’t what it used to be.
I’m here to speak on what I refer to simply as “The Goofy.” Oftentimes, you’ll hear it referred to as “bonusland,” but this is my blog and I can do what I want, so we’re gonna call it what I want to.
Every once in a blue moon (I’d ballpark it at one in every sixty) you get a hangover where the stars just align and you wake up not exactly feeling good, but certainly not feeling like a hungover pile of dog penises either.
It’s a hangover that makes you laugh at everything. You spring from your bed with ease, not thinking that you need a glass of water but finding yourself in the kitchen and really craving another light beer. Your spirit is unusually high for the amount of drinking that took place last night and it could be for a variety of reasons.
We see the symptoms of a Goofy most often when good friends are in town and crashing at your apartment or house with you. You’re excited to get out of bed and find your friends on the couch with the television already on, waiting for you to get up so you can recap the evening with them.
Normally, you’d lay in bed for an hour scrolling Instagram, unwilling and unable to respond to any texts in the group chat about getting brunch and drinking away the pain.
A Goofy does not have to happen when you’ve got out of town visitors, though. Maybe you got laid last night and the touch of another warm human being has left you blissfully unaware of any hangover your body might actually have.
Conventional wisdom would say that a Goofy is really just you waking up in the morning still being drunk from the night before but I’m a little more mystical than that.
Think about it for a second. For all of the shit we go through as humans, we don’t get a lot of breaks. Five days a week we suffer in silence inside a cube. I don’t know about you but there is constantly a thought in my mind that maybe there’s something better out there. We all have desires to have more and be better, but the never-ending march towards old age and no money for retirement is the elephant in the room that we refuse to acknowledge — it’s all incredibly depressing.
The Goofy is the universe’s way of saying, “Here, have a free day on me. Yeah, you made some stupid decisions last night but I don’t care today. Enjoy this one without the debilitating effects of a hangover, but just remember you still have work on Monday, okay?” .
Image via Unsplash