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I bet you guys thought all of the Bachelor coverage was done, huh? THINK AGAIN haters because the crown jewel of the Bachelor franchise began last night. That’s right, Bachelor In Paradise is back.
Now, for those newcomers, the contestants will change every episode. People come and go every night (no pun intended) because of how the show is set up. So don’t get too attached. This is where all of the bachelor and bachelorette rejects come together to drink, slobber all over each other, and “find love” on the beach.
So, we start out in sunny Mexico with Chris Harrison hanging out by the bar with bartender Jorge to kick off Season 3. I would pay actual money to be Jorge the bartender. Seriously. Dude has my dream job.
We get some intro videos from a few contestants to remind us who they are and why they are back. I am a loser so of course I know them all by name and what season they were on. I’m not proud.
Up first, the twins from Ben’s season. Did not miss them. Still can’t tell them apart. They talk for way too long about how they are “soo0oo different.” They are not. Here is a bit of advice ladies: if you want people to be able to tell you apart, maybe you shouldn’t wear matching outfits??? I would say they are grown ass women and should try and kick the whole “twin” thing, but they eat cheeto puffs and sour patch kids for dinner.
Next up is Nick Viall, the dude we all love to hate. I actually just love him so I’m sorry in advance for all of the Nick love if he is not your guy. You can tell he has been hitting the gym in his off time and I don’t hate it. Dude got swoll. He can pull off a scarf so well, so I hope he brought some summer scarves in his suitcase. His job is listed as “Runner-Up” which is amazing considering he came in 2nd place in back to back bachelorette seasons. I hope you find love, Nick, but if not, my DMs are open.
Jublilee, “you guys know me as the army girl with resting bitch face,” is next. Honestly, she seems to mean well but is too dramatic for me. We would not be friends. Girl looks damn good, though, so keep doing you, JuJu.
Great, dick doctor Evan. Fuck this dude, honestly. Whose idea was it to have him on here? I hope they only brought him here as bait for Chad. I have nothing more so say about him other than I hope he gets eliminated as soon as possible. I also hope he brought extra v-necks.
(I spoke too soon. They actually show Evan at the Johnny Depp wannabe store shopping for a new maroon v-neck. I fucking hate this guy. Get a new storyline.)
THE CHAD. HE’S BACK! My dude. Love him. It appears as if we are going to see the softer side of Chad, if it is really there. He claims he is a “romantic person,” but I do not believe he will ever love anything more than he loves Chad. And deli meat. And whey protein. We learn that he is interested in Lace, because like, who better than the most emotionally unstable woman on the damn island? The Chad bear has zeroed in on his prey, but I just hope he knows how important eye contact is to her.
Lace, ah, Lace. Our favorite bachelor drunk. They show her throwing away empty wine bottles and doing yoga and meditating. She claims to have “made changes” to “better herself” but I am not buying it. There is no changing crazy. No amount of yoga can change crazy. It is in your DNA. It is who you are. Live your truth Lace.
Damn Daniel, the professional Canadian, rocking his Canadian flag speedo. In his intro he compares himself to herpes. God, I’ve missed him. His testimonials are my favorite part of this show so far.
“I have high standards. An eagle doesn’t settle for a pigeon, right? An eagle settles for an eagle. Anything better than an eagle is like, a pterodactyl….right?” – Damn Daniel
Ah, teen mom Amanda. Why is she here? Why would she do this? She is too sweet and pure for this garbage. I don’t like this. When Amanda cries, I cry. We are not worthy of her. Also I am not comfortable with her being anywhere near Chad. Who is going to protect her? I’m worried.
Okay into videos are done. They are arriving. Amanda is first and ugh, I don’t like this. Save yourself Amanda!!!!! Run!!!!!
Nick walks up and we all know Chris Harrison is like, “oh fuck, you again.”
Jubilee comes in next and starts chatting with Amanda and Nick about the potential of Chad showing up and they all seem excited to meet him. But who wouldn’t be? Chad’s the man.
Hahahahha Evan shows up and Jubilee calls him “the penis guy” and 10 points to you, JuJu. I hate Evan and don’t want to talk about him. So we will move onto our fave barber and mama’s boy, Vinny, who says he is soooo excited to be in “Puerto Vayarrti” (it is Puerto Vallarta for all of you gringos, btw) and I just want to hug him. He is the cutest. #friendzone
Carly is here now. For you newcomers, last year Carly fell for Kirk day one and on the last day in paradise, he dumped her. I know this is TV and all, but like, it was sad. She is back because she is desperate for love and hopes that Kirk is at home watching.
Handsome Squidward Grant has arrived and I think his chin has gotten larger since we last saw him. Next.
Fuck ya, Damn Daniel has made it and the ladies that are currently there do not impress him and I mean, I get it. I have high standards too and the dude is just trying to find his sexy pterodactyl equivalent.
“I’m a wolf. And so far these are like poodles, and little yorkies. Just washed up street dogs.” –Damn Daniel
Sarah with one arm has returned for round two in paradise. I have her up there with Amanda and I am not okay with this. She is too good for this show. She is too sweet. Chad is going to make her cry I can just feel it in my bones.
Damn Daniel is trying to get Vinny to “rate girls” with him as they walk onto the beach.
“Hopefully there is some better, fresh fruit that comes in that’s not so worn out, but not too ripe. Someone that looks a little more crisp, more succulent and juicy. So far the fruit here look a little like they’ve been bruised during transportation.” – Damn Daniel
The twins show up and finally Damn Daniel’s wolf/eagle/pterodactyl ears perk up and he is ready for this. These girls are so dumb that either one of them could potentially be Damn Daniel’s equal. They were sort of meant to find each other.
Izzy has arrived and I have no idea who the fuck she is. Next.
Damn Daniel is talking to Izzy about the ugly penises that Evan sees at work. He also asks her how old she is and guesses 27. She says 25. He’s fucked.
Bat shit crazy Lace is next and everyone is obviously whispering behind her back about how crazy she is.
Applebee’s favorite manager, Jared, shows up on the beach for round two in paradise. Why do girls think he is so great? Why is he so desirable? Why is he a hot commodity? I need answers.
They are saving Chad’s arrival for last and like, I get it. The editing is making me feel like I am on fucking Jurassic Island and the T-Rex is loose and we are all just waiting around for it to pop out of the bushes and kill us.
Then The Chad arrives. He seems genuinely happy to be there and I am rooting for him. Shocker right? Of course he is greeted with open arms by my new boyfriend, Damn Daniel. Daniel is parading Chad around introducing him all of his new friends that he was just comparing to rotten fruit 5 minutes ago.
Lace thinks Chad is hot and introduces herself to him. She claims they have instant chemistry. Game. On.
Chad apologizes to Evan and I don’t like it. I want them to feud. I want drama. I want torn v-necks. I need blood.
Three min later Chad says he should rip off Evan’s head and throw it into the ocean. He is a changed man.
“All of the girls are looking at me. I am going to let the liquor do the talking and turn on the booze control!” – Damn Daniel
Chad and Daniel talk about how they are going to workout using the twins as weights like they used the suitcases at the mansion.
Chris Harrison shows up, because of course he does, and lets everyone know that this week the girls are getting the date cards, and the guys are handing out roses. A girl will be going home. Also, the twins are a package deal. If one twin gets a rose, the other automatically stays.
We cut to Chad trying (and failing) to open the fridge, only to eventually unveil about 10 packages of sandwich meat that he immediately dives into. Evan then goes through Chad’s luggage (basically a deathwish, imo) and finds A MEAT SCALE. What!?
Jubilee gets the first date card, and we all know she is going to go for Jared. He says yes because she isn’t Ashley I., and everyone else is just getting faded in the background. Literally no one cares about this date.
Grant tries to flirt with Lace and she just talks shit back to him. She then moves on to Chad who is drunk in a pool. They get wasted in a hot tub and start crawling all over each other and I think I am traumatized. My eyes can’t un-see this. I also wish I was on their level right now but I ran out of wine as soon as Evan opened his wormy little mouth.
I feel like I am on spring break in college watching the two biggest sleezebags on the trip hook up. This cannot end well. They fight, and then they make out. They make out, and then they fight. It’s a cycle of psychos.
“I want to treat you like a king!!!” – Lace
“Dolla dolla bills yall!!!” – Chad
“Fuck you don’t touch me!!” – Lace
“Go get us some drinks, bitch”- Chad
“I’m not your bitch!” – Lace
They are slapping each other and then cussing each other out. Then sticking their tongues down each other’s throats. Then pushing each other over. Then fondling underwater, prob. It’s a vicious cycle. Let us pray.
If these two end up together, it’s going to be like Ron Swanson and Tammy 2. Neither can live while the other survives.
In the middle of this white trash drama, Jubilee and Jared go on a date in what appears to be a damn piñata factory with a clown and honestly that’s all that I have to say. Snooze fest.
Izzy (????) and Vinny are hitting it off and it’s sweet. I dig this. You my boy Vin! Get you some!
Chad says something about how he wants to tie Lace up and let her get ran over by a bus but he hopes she smells like peppermint? And then she punches him in the crotch. Romance.
Meanwhile Nick is surrounding himself with all of the blondes just straight vibin’ while spying on the Lace vs. Chad shit show. He is killin’ it.
Chad calls Lace the c-word, which is basically the worst thing you can ever say to a female. After that, I have officially switched my allegiance to Team Damn Daniel.
Chad and Lace are now broken up after a solid two hours together. Lace cries by the pool, Chad gets another drink, and then they end up in another fight. This is giving my last breakup a run for its money and that relationship lasted a lot longer than 20 television minutes.
Daniel is talking to Chad trying to calm him down and telling him that people are scared of him. Well would you look at that? Damn Daniel is the voice of reason.
Instead of calling him Hitler like he did on The Bachelorette, Damn Daniel calls him Hannibal Lector. As in the cannibal, Hannibal Lector. Not sure that was a step in the right direction, but let’s roll with it.
“He was like a rocket ship and he just went off, he was a rocket ship and he can’t come back down. He can’t come back down from the moon. If you’re on the moon, you better just look for cheese or whatever they have up there.” – Damn Daniel
I want a Damn Daniel inspirational quotes book for my coffee table and I want it now.
Chad calls Sarah a “one-arm bitch,” and even for Chad, that was low. Naturally, Sarah is the first to cry and she has every right to. She won’t stay if Chad stays. Called it.
Everyone finally comes to their senses and stops laughing at Chad and realizes that, ya know, maybe he is an actual psychotic person. The joke is over. They all get up and walk away while he lies on the ground, rolling in the sand, slurring, “dolla dolla bills y’all!”
Evan tries to calm Chad down which is LOL comical. We all know that Evan is just like “I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU ALL HE WAS REALLY CRAZY!!”
Damn Daniel comes to everyone’s rescue. He steps up and tries to talk to Chad like that friend who takes care of you when you get too drunk at a frat party and just need to be taken home.
“I will punch a friend if I have to. I have done it before and I will do it again.” –Damn Daniel, the voice of reason.
Eventually Chad passes out in the sand and a crab crawls into his hair while he snores. Vinny says that he shit his pants in his sleep, but who really knows?
Chad prances in the next morning with zero shame, but I get his approach. We have all been there after an embarrassing night of drinking. Just act like nothing happened. Maybe they all forgot.
Chris Harrison shows up to the pow wow and shits all over Chad and tell him that this was his one chance to come and show everyone that he isn’t a terrible person, and well, he blew it, so dad tells him he has to leave Paradise. Of course, he doesn’t believe it’s serious; everyone is too sensitive, blah blah the usual Chad shit. Honestly, after this, I am over Chad. He storms away, kicking his shoes off, screaming that there are too many crabs. As in like, the crustaceans, not the ones you get on your privates.
He goes into a fit of rage and starts screaming at Chris Harrison, telling him that he doesn’t even know what happened because he “went to sleep last night with a mimosa and a robe on!”
He’s not completely wrong. Chris Harrison is the man.
Unfortunately Chad is like a cockroach and even though they cut his head off by making him go home, he is still alive and will not leave so we see him again next week.
You know who else we see next week? My all time favorite, my #1 Bachelor contestant crush and Nick Viall enemy, JOSH MURRAY. Can’t. Wait..
Image via YouTube / ABC