Everything That Went Through My Head Before I Proposed

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Two days ago, I made the rather momentous decision to ask the Capital R Roommate to take the leap and become the Capital F Fiancée.

As we made our trek through a California state park to the sunlit clearing underneath the waterfall where I popped the question, a million different thoughts raced through my brain. Here they are in no particular order of importance:

Do I have the ring?

Yep, I can feel it pressed against the side of my thigh. I put it in its own separate zippered pocket in my Lulu shorts. We’re Gucci.

Ugh, I’m ruining my good running shoes.

This is what I get for pretending to be spontaneous. I usually don’t take a wet muddy hike through the woods in my workout shoes. No shot I could have walked out the door this morning casually wearing hiking boots without her realizing something was up.

What if there are other people already there?

Do I still drop to a knee? I don’t normally get nervous around strangers I just don’t want this moment ruined by some foreign idiot standing in waist-deep water in jean shorts and a Lacoste polo yelling at his wife in Sputnik.

Holy shit, it’s September 11th.

Well, too late, there’s no turning back now. Never forget.

What if somebody else is already proposing at the waterfall?

I’ll probably just kill them.

Is this really the last day of my (legally) single life?

It’s truly the end of an era. I should mentally tally how many people I’ve slept with for about the hundredth time to make sure I didn’t forget anybody.

Where’s the ring?

Okay, cool, it’s still here. I almost had a heart attack when we crawled over that stream and I banged my leg against that fallen log.

I can’t believe I’m losing in Fantasy Football.

I’ve got Keenan Allen going tonight but he’s got Melvin Gordon. I’m done for.

What do I say when I take a knee?

This one’s coming from the heart. Can’t recite something I already have planned. I’ll prolly throw in a plug for the podcast at the end in case anybody overhears us or is filming. Content content content.

Pretty sure that squirrel I hit on the way over here is a bad omen.

This plus it being September 11th certainly spell disaster for this marriage. I even slowed down and gave that fucker every chance in the world to cross. He was basically on a kamikaze mission sent here from all my ex-girlfriends.

Does this mean I have to say goodbye to my single guy friends?

My three best single guy friends and I have known each other for almost two decades. We’ve survived distance, job changes and plenty of girlfriend drama. Hopefully, I’ll make a good married wingman.

Do I still have the ring?

I feel like I’m about to have a nervous breakdown. I just felt a sharp corner clip one of my testicles so I think that’s it.

I just realized I’m wearing a headband. I’m going to propose wearing a fucking headband.

I don’t want sweaty hair getting in my eyes! Looking forward to explaining this one to JR Jr.

Will she say yes?

I’ve replayed this moment about a thousand times since I got the ring. We’ve had this conversation a bunch over the past few years too. We’ve discussed our future plans, wanting to grow old together and our idea of a perfect wedding. But there’s still that 0.01% chance.

Is she going to want to take a million photos when the deed is done?

I’m getting hungry.

Wait, is she expecting a big fancy celebratory dinner after this too?

I have a BOGO to Mimi’s Cafe and thought we’d stop on our drive back to SF.

Who do we call first? My family or her family?

Standard operating procedure dictates hers but it’s getting late and my family resides in Central Time. I’m done with time zones.

What happened to the ring?

My whole body is numb I couldn’t tell you if I have ten toes or if I’m biologically a man or a woman at this point.

Is there really nobody at this waterfall?

We saw about half a dozen people walking back from it as we made our way into the park. Maybe there’s a body floating face down in the water. That’d be the best case scenario honestly.

Her back’s to me as she’s staring up at the waterfall.

*deep breath*

Here goes… .

This week on Don’t Take It From Us, Jenna Crowley and I talk way too much about our favorite television shows in the DTIFU Confessional and we share some dating tips and tricks in Tip Included. We also grade two Bumble profiles and our boy Niels (who we said looked like a serial killer in episode 25) writes us back with an updated profile…and Jenna’s in love. Next week she’s on vacation so be on the lookout for the guest cohosting with JR! We’re also holding another 5-Star review contest. The funniest iTunes 5-Star reviews get read on the pod and the winner gets to be a guest on a future episode! Enjoy!

Do you have a dating or relationship question you want answered on the pod? Make sure you send our way! New eps will be released every Wednesday, so check it out on Soundcloud below or on iTunes!

Don’t forget to follow us on Instagram here for a first look at the dating profiles we’re grading and all sorts of content throughout the week!

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JR Hickey

Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.

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