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Do you consider yourself an adult? Because there are days when I really feel like one. I’ll wear a full suit that’s just been dry-cleaned with a tie from Brooks Brothers and think to myself, “Man, I’ve finally made it.” But then I’ll be drinking my first cup of coffee in the morning and spill all over my seventy dollar tie. Or I’ll look over my shoulder and remember that I’m the lowest guy on the totem pole and I could be gone at any day and I realize that I’m not shit in the professional world.
Let me tell you something – I’m not shit in the non-professional world, either. I have a shitload of shit in my possession that I definitely don’t need and I know you do too. Here are the top five things I’m assuming everyone has in their apartment that they should have gotten rid of about three years ago.
Coffee Table from IKEA/Target/Home Depot
This thing has been to hell and back. Ring stains from beer cans and coffee mugs litter the surface. Maybe you’ve got a glass table so you don’t have to worry about ring stains. But the glass has been chipped and appears to be on the verge of breaking any day now.
You’ve hauled it from apartment to apartment since graduating and the only reason it hasn’t been chucked in the dumpster behind your apartment building is because you’re too fucking lazy and/or broke to buy the one from Restoration Hardware that you’ve had your eye on. Until you move in with a girl who makes you throw this table out, it’s going to remain in every living room you inhabit as a transient.
Charcoal grill a.k.a. Little Smokey
If you live “in the cut” like my good friend Dillon Chevevevevere, you don’t know what the hell I’m talking about right now. Little Smokey isn’t fancy. He’s not the quickest at his job, but goddamnit, he gets the job done. He holds sentimental value that can’t be quantified.
For peons like myself, a Lil’ Smokey has gotten me through many a night where all I had was some frozen chicken breasts that would only be palatable if I grilled them.
Little Smokey is very similar to your coffee table mentioned previously. Until you get a very serious, live-in girlfriend that makes you buy an updated, fancy-ass gas grill, Smokey will be on every back porch you sit on.
Pillows that are over five years old
Everyone’s read the articles about how pillows are no good after about a year. They lose their life, and dead skin from your face falls into these pillows and that’s actually what you end up resting your head on after awhile. I don’t know about you but here’s what happens when I read articles like that. I finish them up, say to myself “Wow, that’s fucking disgusting I should really order some new pillows.” And then I forget all about that shit five minutes later. I’ve had the same pillows on my bed for at least three years now. It’s fucking disgusting.
Pint glasses that you stole from some shitty dive bar
So you got a little too drunk one night at the local watering hole that just so happened to be a hop, skip, and a jump away from the shithole you call an apartment. You were crushing Miller Lites all night with your buddies, and at some point, you had the bright idea to smuggle out the pint glasses that you and your four or five buddies were drinking out of. Congratulations. You now have hungover water glasses for the rest of your natural born life. On a morning where all of the glassware is in an unwashed dishwasher and there isn’t a clean Solo cup to be found, these stolen pint glasses will be the answer to your prayers. They never get pulled out of the cabinet for anything other than water for some odd reason, but you’ll always have them. That, and the hazy memory of the night when you somehow got six out of the bar without any of the workers noticing.
Mini fridge
I know exactly what you were thinking when you saw this little guy on sale Triple B (that’s Bed, Bath, and Beyond for everyone living under a fucking rock). “This will be perfect for my bedroom. No longer will I have to drink lukewarm tap water from my bathroom because I’ll always have a cold bottle inside! I can put takeout in here without having to worry about whether or not any of my roommates will eat it! I could even….dare I say it….put beer in here. Who knows when I’ll be laying in bed one idle Wednesday evening listening to the “Jazz for Sleep” playlist and want to crack a cold one? “
You thought you were fucking Will Hunting when you bought this thing because of the endless number of opportunities it presents for you. You know where the mini fridge sits for anyone who owns one past the age of 19? In a basement closet unplugged and unused. You bring it to every hole you’ve ever lived in, though because you think that maybe this will be the apartment where I finally put it to good use.
Word of advice? Toss the fridge in the dumpster. Toss it along with the pillow you’ve been using since the dorm days of college. Keep those pint glasses, though. The shitty pillows and the mini-fridge are just taking up room in your next U-Haul rental. .
Respond
jduda@grandex.co
is this coming from the guy that recently was sleeping on a air mattress?
don’t ever throw an air mattress out unless it has a hole in it. perfect for guests and it sure as hell beats the couch
I hear you on that, the fiancée and I just registered for a new air mattress the other day.
Bed bath and beyond has one that is actually on a frame. Amazing investment and highly portable. Highly recommend
Mini fridges should be everywhere. I went to a local college during move out week and snagged a few. Keep one as an end table next to my sofa and one as a nightstand with my coffee maker on top. Disagree all you want but I never have to get up to grab a drink, so who’s the real winner?
This man’s in the pros and we’re all just playing JV ball
Fully on board with this. I’ve got my old minifridge as a side table in my room. I get a place to keep my glasses ice cold and my good beer and wine hidden away from when people are over. In addition, white noise and a good place to put my laptop after I’m done netflixing
If you live in a house, you should have a fridge on every floor.
Guys, ditch your entire apartment. Rent is such a dumb expense when you really think about it. Get a van or a camper or a cardboard box and get used to surviving because pretty soon, a lot more people are gonna be migrating to the woods in their “mobile” tiny homes. Rent control can be approved everywhere and houses are way too damn expensive now. I’m going to take this one step further and say that we don’t even need offices anymore…at all because we have this thing called the internet. Instead, we turn all those insane offices and convert them into affordable housing spaces for Millennials since we’re literally the poorest generation in history and then we all work remotely. Even further, everyone gets cremated when they die because cemeteries are fucking retarded and a waste of space. Think about it, we murder each other over land and yet we bury people that are already dead on land that could be used for more mobile homes since everyone is basically poor as shit anyway and money doesn’t even really exist lol
I want to drink with you
Let’s make it happen. Where are you?
Houston
no gold behind our currency
I’ve got something just as good as gold.
Dr. Carvey’s eeeaasssyyy shaaaave BUTTAH
Bill Burr Podcast plug, nice!
Bill often talks about how our money is not backed by gold
I’m 26 almost 27 and still actively take pint glasses. What else am I suppose to pour my beer into? Drink it from a can? I’m not an animal. Coors light from a can is for plebs. Coors light in a glass is classy af
I also steal pint glasses, I’m basically a collector at this point.
Agreed I like my pint glasses too
While I love disagreeing with you, I can actually relate to this. We’re in the process of cleaning out the apartment for a move. I decided if I couldn’t remember the last time I needed/used something I was getting rid of it. I now have a truck bed full of junk and 1 1/2 boxes of stuff I am actually keeping.
Also, if anyone has a need for about $5,000 worth of nursing school textbooks, let me know so I can do something besides throw them away as I feel myself die inside.
You could try selling them to Chegg.com. I rented all my college textbooks from them and sometimes they’ll buy certain ones. Give it a shot and best of luck.
Problem is they update them so frequently they’re probably worthless. I am so afraid to get rid of mine because what if I go back to school and I need those highlights/notes in the margins??
put ’em on Craigslist dude
Man I just can’t do the craigslist. I’ve tried twice in the past and I end up fielding so many calls and weirdos it’s just not worth it by the time something is sold.
I feel you. I guess it depends on your area. I sell shit on there all the time and never have many issues
Houston is just too……uhh….. “cultural” to avoid the lunatics
Thinly veiled racism is BAD! I have many cultural friends. Cultural people love me!
although nursing books probably wouldn’t attract as many weirdos as a generic item
Have you tried selling them to Amazon? My brother just sold all his books from college back to them and was able to get a decent chunk of change.
Try half.com or ebay. Works like a charm.
Just get married. She’ll throw out all your shit and replace it within about 3 days. You have to pay but you don’t have to pick any of it out. Win-win.
“They never get pulled out of the cabinet for anything other than water for some odd reason” is disgustingly accurate
Water for that friend who’s crashing on your couch after getting too drunk at the bars.
$70 tie? Someone’s rolling in dough.
incredible that this is what you took from the article
That one thing just caught my eye. I actually agree with most of what you wrote.
Please, that’s a Christmas tie from mom
Don’t throw shade at the Little Smokey. Can still cook a fantastic steak for one. When it’s time to upgrade you get yourself a Weber Performer Gold charcoal grill for like $300, and keep Little Smokey for tailgating or overflow from the big grill.
While I mostly always agree with you…
Charcoal > Gas 100% of the time. Not a single food tastes better over a gas grill.
Ew.
Came here to say this. I hated my last apartment but there were lots of people who would use the charcoal grill outside my building, fill it with an obscene amount of charcoal, grill their food right away, and then take their food and abandon the grill right when the coals got to the perfect point. That’s when I made my move. Such a time saver.
One of my buddies defends this same stance to the death. I have never tasted charcoal stuff that was better, maybe i never waited long enough for the coals?
Are you using Match-Light garbage? Get yourself a good lump charcoal like a Royal Oak, use a chimney to light it, drink a beer or two while you wait for it to ash over, and then cook your meat like a boss.
I think it does taste better but not enough to offset the time and effort of starting a charcoal fire every time you just want a burger or whatever
*cue 85 people saying “it’s not that hard, just get a starter chimney, then it’s exactly as easy as turning two knobs*
It is kinda a pain, but don’t look at it that way, look at it as an excuse to drink 2 beers while you wait. Or do what I did and buy a cheap tailgating gas grill for cooking a quick dog or burger after work.
I mean nothing’s stopping me from drinking 2-5 beers on any given weeknight anyway but I see what you’re saying