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There’s a lot of stuff that I get bummed out about in life. The fact that I’ll never know if the afterlife is a real thing until after I’m already dead, or that I never got to experience life with a fast metabolism. You know those kids who would eat and eat and eat and you’d just be like, “where does it all go?” Yeah, that would be some cool shit. Plus, Area 51. What’s the deal with that? And the Michael Jackson death thing? And like, Elvis? Ugh. WHY CAN’T WE GET THESE ANSWERS, DAMMIT?!
But the one ~mystery~ that alludes me more than any other is the mystery of the penis. The case of the cock. The secret of the schlong.
You see, it’s not so much that I want a dick. In this day and age, if I was that serious about it, I could totally make it happen. All it would take is some money, some psychological and hormonal therapy, a solid surgeon and voilà! I’d have a penis. But that’s not what this is about. I don’t want to be a guy, and I don’t want to have a penis forever.
But for a day? 24 hours with a pork sword attached to my body? I’d sign up for that shit in a heartbeat. Being the other gender for just a day could answer so many questions. It could teach us so much. It could truly change the way society works. So, time and time again, I think about what I would do if I woke up one day only to look down and discover that where there was once a V, there’s a decent, above-average D. I mean, in reality, I would most likely pass out and head to the nearest hospital, where I would either be held on a 72 hour psych hold or kept in a lab and studied. But this isn’t a real situation. We’re not going to be logical about this. We’re just going to assume I woke up, saw my penis, and was like, “Okay, this is happening.”
Which leads me to wonder what, exactly, I would do with my new best friend. At first thought, the possibilities seem endless. I mean, naturally, I’d want to have sex. I want to see what it feels like to have an orgasm as a guy (and be able to get off every time from merely penetrating a hole. How novel! How fun!). Also, I want a blow job. No, scratch that. I want a good blow job. One of those long, painful, sloppy ones where you almost come so many times but hold back just so it can last longer thus resulting in making the person going down on you absolutely despise you. I want one of those. I want just lay in a bed and have tons of sex and get lots of oral from hot people. Doesn’t that sound like quite the day?
Still, I understand that, in order to get sex or a blowy, I’d need a willing party. I mean, willing parties, if we try for the above dream, but let’s be real. Getting one chick in bed would be hard. Getting a whole group of them sounds impossible. And having never been a guy, I don’t feel confident in my abilities to find a girl to come home with me for a night and deal with taking my bumbling, sex-with-a-penis virginity.
So, I crossed those off of my list. I don’t want to waste my day with a dick by running around trying to find someone to fuck me. But, if I wasn’t getting some action, what else could I do? Learn what getting hit in the balls feels like? I’m not saying it’s a fun idea, but I’m intrigued to see if it hurts as bad as, say, getting an IUD. Still, physical pain seems like quite the masochist move. And other than possibly moving up the corporate ladder faster or paying for my own drinks at the bar, I really wasn’t sure how I’d spend my hypothetical time. Until, of course, it hit me. The perfect day with a penis.
Behold, how I’d spend my day as a dude.
1. Jerk it.
4. Just like, jerk it some more.
I know it seems pretty elementary, and there are some blank spaces in there. But as I’ve thought about it over and over again, I truly can’t think of a better way to spend my short amount of time as a man beside just spanking it. I mean, sure, I’d most likely eat a shitton of carbs without fear of gaining weight, because boy calories don’t count, and I’d only pee outside, but that’s about it. Ultimately it all comes down to this: there has to be a reason guys always have their hands down their pants and pull up porn the second their girlfriends leave for the farmers market.
And honestly? If given the chance, I would make it my sole mission to find out. It’s a hard, throbbing task, but someone’s gotta do it..