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The American office environment. Movies, memes, and Mondays have us just cringing at the thought of life in a cubicle. Debora from corporate accounts payable has the loudest cackle this side of the Mississippi. Jim from taxes is too peppy in the morning before you’ve had your coffee. And of course, your boss Brian gives you flashbacks from high school since every time he blows his nose he sounds like a trumpet from marching band.
This isn’t to say that it’s all bad though. Personally, I enjoy working with the majority of my coworkers. It’s nice to come into the office and shoot the shit with your work friends, discuss weekend plans, and hey, maybe even get some work done so you feel productive at days’ end.
But every once in a while (read: every day), I feel the need to tune people out. Alas, the desire to be by yourself in the middle of a cubicle farm is somewhat unattainable though, as there are people everywhere. So here are a few of my personal favorite ways that I avoid my coworkers throughout the day.
Close elevator door before others can join.
Like many of you, I’m not ready to interact with anyone before I’ve had my morning coffee. That’s why the silent ride up to the top floor that I work in is absolute bliss. No one asks me about the weather outside, there are no stops at six of the other nine floors, and no one asks me to press the button for their floor like my only job at the company is an elevator attendant. And if there are two elevators available and everyone piles into one, I’ll always hop into the less crowded one. Like the ol’ saying goes; always take the elevator less traveled.
Headphones at the desk.
I cannot emphasize this one enough. Sure, you might enjoy talking with your coworkers, but sometimes you just need to tune the world out, buckle down, and hammer out 1500 lines of code. The high I feel from a great workout is similar to the high I feel when I’ve been super productive and have caught up on all my assignments at work. Or sometimes your coworkers don’t realize that other people work there too, and they refuse to turn off the sound on their computer. The sound SAP makes every time someone switches codes or enters in data is haunting enough to keep a man up at night before he falls asleep.
Staring straight ahead in the hallway.
Some of the most awkward times of my day are when I’m walking down a long hallway and a smiling face is walking in my direction. That’s why at the start of the year, I decided I would no longer try to say hello to random people in the hallway. This was an easy decision thanks to my subpar long-distance vision and my general dislike for pointless small talk. Of course, if I know who the person is or have something work related to ask then I’ll say hello, but if I literally just saw you 20 seconds ago at the copy machine then I don’t really think there’s much to catch up on. Sorry, Jim.
Acting like you have a meeting.
“Can’t talk, gotta run to a meeting” used to be one of my favorite lines at my old job. It’s like the swiss army knives of excuses; you can use it at any time and in any scenario during the work day, morning, or afternoon. The part I’d be hesitant with is if you tell this to your cube mate and then just sit down at your desk. That’s why you should….
Book a conference room.
Ever get tired of acting like you’re busy at your desk? Book a conference room. This play works two-fold. One, your outlook calendar will look like you’re in a meeting which makes you appear busier. And two, you can sit in silence and get some work done. Plus, this way you weren’t entirely lying earlier when you cut your conversation short with Debbie from AP because of that “meeting.”
These are just several ways I like to avoid talking to people throughout the day. Naturally, I’m sure as I progress in my career I’ll pick up on a few more tools of the trade to stay sane in my 9-5. Do you have any that I didn’t mention? If so I’d love to hear all about them, but unfortunately, I have to run to a meeting. .
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@ellisnd02
@ellisnd
Taking a nap in the bathroom stall, keep it to 20-25 mins, no one will ask questions.
use that sparingly because if you use it everyday people will think that you have bathroom problems
I’m sitting at the pool, catching some rays and swimming laps. TB poddy on the speakers.
Pour one out for us touchers listening from an office cube
Might be a whole bottle of champagne in the yeti for this mimosa.
Pour just (1) one out
The key is to be super productive right when you start then do a slow fade. Unlike a relationship, your boss doesnt have time to really notice and all they have is their initial impression of you. Bonus points for asking your boss if they’ve gotten to X task yet which you need to do your work; the fear of holding up a “high performer” will make sure they’re not focused on your productivity.
Completely agree. If you bust out of the gates and set the world on fire for the first few months no one will bat an eye if you have a few down months. “You’ve been killing it so it’s normal to have a few down months or a lull. You’ve done great so far.” Just don’t let it go on for too long or else they’ll think you got complacent in all your winning…..
Get in early. If you get in before your coworkers, you can not do anything until other people get in and you can leave early
Headphones in, but nothing playing in them. That way you look focused but can keep up with all the gossip around your cubicle
Force corporations to omit offices before they turn them into “live-in luxury labor camps” and then take the overhead savings from not having offices/utilities/parking/food/coffee/tech and roll it into employee salaries and bonuses where they can work from home or at a coffee shop in order to further stimulate this consumer riddled system. Then turn those vacant offices into affordable housing until all human jobs become automated and then we move off this planet before we incinerate ourselves with our sheer stupidity lol
I do WPM tests, great way to keep the fingers loose, and the harder I type the busier I sound. Total peace.
The George Costanza method of always acting annoyed at something when your boss is nearby.
Pull up a text editor with some bullshit XML or JS you can find online on your major screen. Non-technical folks won’t question it, tech folks won’t want to bring awareness to their secret.
Just keep the email open, nobody questions it