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I walked into the bathroom in the office – which is brand spanking new by the way – only to see that of the two stalls, only the non-handicap stall was open. Quick sidebar – what kind of office building has only two stalls in the men’s room on a floor designed for two 100+ personnel companies? I’ll tell you what kind. My new bougie office with touchscreen coffee makers. But I digress.
So, what’d I do? I walked out. Held in the poop. Went for a walk around the office and came back to finally find the handicap stall wide open.
Could I have just sucked it up and crammed into the normal stall? Of course. And if you do that, you’re well within your right. You’re a common man; a lunch pail and hard hat kind of person. I respect you so much. I really do. America was built on your backs. But once I’ve tasted luxury, I can’t go back. I’m a member of the finer things club, and there’s no way I can go back to slumming it.
Did you go back to being cool with just kissing and OTPHJs once you experienced your first multi-player orgasm? No. And did you go back to being okay with scrambling up a few eggs on Saturday mornings after you’d finally experienced your first brunch? No. So why should I suffocate myself in a normal stall when I’ve experienced the luxury of the handicap stall.
The handicap stall is the First Class of shitting. The Ballon d’Or of dumps. A golden toilet in a sea of porcelain. There’s enough leg room for Manute Bol. Enough width for Schwarzenegger. It doesn’t trap smells. It’s got that railing in it in case you need the leverage. If you need to – for some reason – crack out some jumping jacks to get the circulation going after a particularly long Bumble session because all the blood went to your feet, the handicap stall has more open space than your gym does on a Monday at 6pm.
At this point I feel it my comedic duty to reference the episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm when Larry gets eviscerated for using the handicap stall and not having a disability. It was funny, but also brings up a solid societal point. Is it ethical for my able-bodied (arguably) self to be using a handicap stall when I’m
perfectly engineered to use a normal stall? Normally I’d roll my eyes and say that the chances of a handicap person needing the stall at the exact moment I need it is roughly the same probability of me getting laid, but I’ll humor you.
I guess the answer is “no.” Maybe it’s not ethical. Maybe it’s as egregious as parking in a handicap space. Illegally parking in a handicap space can – if caught – set you back a few hundred bones. What’s stopping the five oh from coming into the bathroom and slapping a fine on me for shitting in (illegal) luxury? I guess nothing, right?
I say, let’s stop all this. Let’s not abuse the handicap stall. But instead, let’s overhaul every bathroom in America. Every stall should be a handicap-sized stall. And for you PC nerds, I guess we can keep one stall reserved as a handicap stall, if that makes any sense? Like, parking spaces are all the same size. Just a few are designated as handicap-only. Let’s do the same with toilet stalls. Standardize them. Make ‘em all big. Give us that luxury we all want. Make bathrooms great again..
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