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I walked into the bathroom in the office – which is brand spanking new by the way – only to see that of the two stalls, only the non-handicap stall was open. Quick sidebar – what kind of office building has only two stalls in the men’s room on a floor designed for two 100+ personnel companies? I’ll tell you what kind. My new bougie office with touchscreen coffee makers. But I digress.
So, what’d I do? I walked out. Held in the poop. Went for a walk around the office and came back to finally find the handicap stall wide open.
Could I have just sucked it up and crammed into the normal stall? Of course. And if you do that, you’re well within your right. You’re a common man; a lunch pail and hard hat kind of person. I respect you so much. I really do. America was built on your backs. But once I’ve tasted luxury, I can’t go back. I’m a member of the finer things club, and there’s no way I can go back to slumming it.
Did you go back to being cool with just kissing and OTPHJs once you experienced your first multi-player orgasm? No. And did you go back to being okay with scrambling up a few eggs on Saturday mornings after you’d finally experienced your first brunch? No. So why should I suffocate myself in a normal stall when I’ve experienced the luxury of the handicap stall.
The handicap stall is the First Class of shitting. The Ballon d’Or of dumps. A golden toilet in a sea of porcelain. There’s enough leg room for Manute Bol. Enough width for Schwarzenegger. It doesn’t trap smells. It’s got that railing in it in case you need the leverage. If you need to – for some reason – crack out some jumping jacks to get the circulation going after a particularly long Bumble session because all the blood went to your feet, the handicap stall has more open space than your gym does on a Monday at 6pm.
At this point I feel it my comedic duty to reference the episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm when Larry gets eviscerated for using the handicap stall and not having a disability. It was funny, but also brings up a solid societal point. Is it ethical for my able-bodied (arguably) self to be using a handicap stall when I’m perfectly engineered to use a normal stall? Normally I’d roll my eyes and say that the chances of a handicap person needing the stall at the exact moment I need it is roughly the same probability of me getting laid, but I’ll humor you.
I guess the answer is “no.” Maybe it’s not ethical. Maybe it’s as egregious as parking in a handicap space. Illegally parking in a handicap space can – if caught – set you back a few hundred bones. What’s stopping the five oh from coming into the bathroom and slapping a fine on me for shitting in (illegal) luxury? I guess nothing, right?
I say, let’s stop all this. Let’s not abuse the handicap stall. But instead, let’s overhaul every bathroom in America. Every stall should be a handicap-sized stall. And for you PC nerds, I guess we can keep one stall reserved as a handicap stall, if that makes any sense? Like, parking spaces are all the same size. Just a few are designated as handicap-only. Let’s do the same with toilet stalls. Standardize them. Make ‘em all big. Give us that luxury we all want. Make bathrooms great again..
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Boston Max
Spending my retirement fund at Trader Joe's and trying to remember to check my mailbox semi-regularly
@BostonMaxG
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I read this article while trapped in a normal sized stall, all while the guy next to me is having the time of his life in the handicapped stall. I support this movement!
The handicap stall in my office lacks lighting directly over head. This allows a calm dimly lit setting to escape from the world and immerse myself into my iPhone for 10-15 minutes with no distractions. Couple this with the almost ridiculous amount of space a handicap stall brings to the table and you have one GLORIOUS poop. Handicap stalls are the unsung hero every cubicle warrior needs.
“multi-player orgasm” – you sir win the internet for the day
They typically have a trash too. Helps after late night and bud light revenge when you need to deposit freshly stained boxers… From a friend.
Here’s what we have to do. We have to get in tight with the wheelchair lobbyists and then we hire a 3rd party through cash only transactions that will go and break the legs of over 1,200 people in a given area and then we work with the politicians by lobbying for handicapped stalls while also boosting revenue for bath fitting companies, hardware companies, and wheelchair manufacturers. This system has been proven to work literally every time.
What kind of budget are we working with? I might know a guy…
Well, if we contract out to cheap labor areas and buy materials direct from the source then I think we could do it under a couple million. We could also implement new restrictions that prevent people from using the bathroom in order to fast track our proposal.
Play our cards right and contractors, suppliers and the ADA will foot the bill. The extra leg work will give us enough room to take a little off the top and dump a few campaign checks to streamline the legislation.
All stalls should have doors lower to or all the way to the floor. No one wants see my legs shaking as I try to rid myself of last nights mistakes. Detroit’s airport has these private stalls and it’s glorious. Privacy is what makes or breaks a dump.
I lose zero sleep over shitting in the handicapped stall. The stall is meant to give them room they may require, not to reduce their wait time to use it. A handicapped person is just as capable of waiting as I am. Obviously, a handicapped person in the restroom takes precedence over myself, but if I walk in, it’s open, and no one who actually needs it is there. I’m sitting in that luxurious bitch.
A handicap parking space however is physically closer to the door and gives room for wheelchair lifts, parking in those makes you an asshole.
You haven’t lived until you’ve taken a solid 20 minutes dump and realize someone who is handicapped needs it.
2 stalls for 100 people? My office has just 1 for more than 250 employees. That’s a shame but nobody cares. Moreover, it lacks even a raised toilet seat like http://www.bestshowerchairs.com/best-raised-toilet-seat/. That’s how it’s done.
Good job being improper. Disabled, not handicapped. Get the fuck with it, Bill Belichek, you asshole.
Why would you use a stall that’s disabled?
You’re the new Kendra. It’s unanimous, we all hate you.