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Whether you have a workday routine, ate too much Chipotle for lunch, or flat out just need a break, pooping at work is sacred to anyone that dreads sitting at their desk for longer than they’re contractually obligated to. But, as everybody knows, you have to have a method to your pooping madness or you’ll find yourself in some less-than-desirable situations.
Luckily, a recent Reddit prompt asked, “Redditors who shit at work, What are some tips/tricks about shitting at work?” The answers were weirdly helpful.
Via Reddit:
Always flush twice when you’re finished, as this indicates to others that you had such a huge, manly shit that the toilet simply couldn’t handle it in one go. I do this every time and have never heard another person do two flushes, so I think I am considered king of pooping at work. I also wait until someone in another stall flushes so that I can time getting out into the common area at the same moment so they know who it was that had the most powerful poop. That way they can go spread word of my feat to others.
Keep your ears open for other stall doors opening/closing. Time your exit in such a way that nobody else is coming out of their stall at the same time.
Post-poop conversation is something you want to avoid, there’s no winner, everyone involved loses some dignity.
Try to keep grunting to a minimum, and if you hear someone else enter the bathroom just keep perfectly still as if that person were a T-Rex.
Steal the toilet paper from the stalls next to you. This ensures that no one will use the stall next to you.
Treat it like a urinal – if at all possible, leave an empty stall between you and the other guy.
Also, first in should be first out. It always bugs me when there’s someone in another stall, and they’re still there by the time I’m done, despite complete silence from their end. It bugs me when someone gets to waste more time on the can than I do.
Place some toilet paper in to the toilet prior to dropping your deuce. This helps with the splash noise.
Wear headphones. It drowns out the sound of other poopers and allows you to poop as hard as you want without that embarrassment commonly experienced by reluctant work-poopers.
Oh, and if your workplace has a private, locking bathroom for disabled people, use that.
I wipe down the seat before every use, even if they look clean. Also, I personally only shit in the handicap stalls. Very roomy in there. If someone is using that stall, I take a walk down the hall and check out the other bathroom. If that one is taken, I walk down stairs to the third bathroom. If you don’t have access to 3 bathrooms and the handicap stalls are taken, you’re shit out of luck, pun intended.
If you’re worried about smell – get “poo-pourri” yes it’s a real product and yes it really does work!
If you’re worried about splashing sounds, you can try to put a layer of TP on top on the surface of the water.
If you’re worries about what other people will think of you… just remember that book “Everybody Poops”
If you have explosive poops/loud farting – try and cover the entire toilet seat with your body (aka close your legs) as this will somewhat muffle the echoing noise.
If it’s a long (time-wise) shit, courtesy flushes are really nice.
Don’t take the stall right next to someone else if at all possible and try and take the stall furthest from the sink/door.
Bring in an air-freshener and leave it on the bathroom counter or on the back of the toilet (if the toilet is like the ones in houses)
P.S. I love pooping at work and I apparently have no issues doing my 2 in a public washroom, but my sister has issues so I’ve tried to give her these tips too… some worked for her.
Make sure not to do it close to lunch time. Lunch is its own time off. You’re getting paid to poop and you have to make that count. I recommend the 9 AM to 10 AM window and of COURSE the 2 PM to 3PM window. Take the entire hour if you can, especially in the afternoon.
Stealing the toilet paper from surrounding stalls to ensure there’s no one next to you is next level stuff. For more insights, check out all the answers on AskReddit. .
[via Reddit]
Image via Shutterstock
Respond
That first guy really understands how to pull some bathroom power moves. Respect.
I don’t know if some of these people are geniuses, or psychopaths
It’s Reddit… so, both.
and NEVER poop without your phone. It’s scary even thinking about such a thing.
The bathroom is a dead zone. Doesn’t stop me from trying to find connection though.
Live with that struggle everyday but realized it won’t ever give me more than 1x
Bringing your phone into a bathroom without WiFi or reception is the work equivalent of a scratch off.
The restroom where I work is the only room that picks up the free wifi from the medical office next door. It’s glorious
reading a how to guide on pooping at work PGP
The being said, always hide the phone as people walk by, those stall cracks expose more than you think
It’s all about the eye contact, its how you get ahead in the corporate world
Make sure to make aggressive eye contact with coworkers through the crack in the stall to assert your dominance. Greet fellow bathroom goers with a handshake when they enter and ask if they need anything, remember it’s your domain, act like it.
My best deliveries still happen right after I get home. Even my poop doesn’t want to be at work.
Probably just as well, the employee bathroom is an inside room with no ventilation.
I say just grip and rip.
What’s with PGP’s obsession with crapping?
I’m making use of a few of these tips right now
Shitting with headphones in? What are you some kind of lunatic? That would give me more anxiety than I already have when I’m in there.