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I’ve railed hard against the so called “Instagram model” in the past – excoriating their inability to post anything with a decent caption (which presumably drives activity on their posts and gets them more money) but also to encourage people to simply unfollow these fringe celebrities.
In a former life, my Instagram feed was absolutely littered with tits and ass. It got to a point where I wouldn’t open the IG app at the crowded bagel shop down the street from my apartment or in line at the liquor store trying to get a fresh bottle of Dewar’s because I was too scared that a little old lady would be standing behind and see call the police.
During this period, I seldom saw posts from friends as my feed became oversaturated with videos from Sommer Ray dancing in a thong to The Migos and Hannah Stocking looking sultry in a bikini in L.A. Unless you’ve had the same problem I had, you probably don’t even know who those people are and I promise you that you’re better for it.
The names of these “models” and their pictures soon just sort of blended together. Every picture became the same, and I was no longer impressed by incredibly attractive women in lingerie. It just didn’t move the needle like it used to because there was so much of on my feed. I had even considered making a burner account just for these Instagram models which in hindsight sounds absurd.
But then one day, common sense won out. I did a mass unfollowing of butt models on my second favorite app outside of Twitter. I now refer to it as The Great Purge of 2017- I got my head out of the gutter and it’s embarrassing to say but this unfollowing of a bunch of wannabe models selling FitTea on the internet made my life infinitely better.
But there was always one woman who I simply never could, or ever will unfollow, and her name is Emily Ratajkowski. During The Purge, I pondered it but whenever my thumb would hover over that “Unfollow” button my hand would start to shake uncontrollably.
For the sake of my sanity, I really did think long and hard about unfollowing all of them because for an average joe like myself, there is zero shot of ending up with a girl like this. Unrealistic expectations can ruin a person’s life, and Emrat is fake life if I’ve ever seen it. She lives above the fold in every possible way, vacationing on the Amalfi Coast for weeks at a time and then jet-setting over to Paris to a do a quick shoot for Dior or fucking Chanel.
She is widely known simply as @emrata on the interwebs, and she burst onto the modeling scene in 2013 when she appeared completely naked in Robin Thicke’s “Blurred Lines” music video. I’ll let you google that one on your own, but suffice it to say she made an impression on me, specifically in my loins.
She’s beauty, she’s grace, and she should be named Miss United States every single goddamn year. Emily Ratajkowski is 26 years old, and in an age where people’s time in the spotlight comes and goes very quickly, Emrata has never wavered. She is a benchmark in the Instagram and modeling community, a woman whose beauty cannot be understated. In a sea full of Z-list (albeit very attractive) Instagram models, Emrata perseveres and stays ahead of the pack.
This is the only person I follow on Instagram who I have alerts set up for. I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if I saw this woman in a public setting. I’d love to say that I would have the courage to go up to Ratajkowski and talk to her but that would make me a goddamn liar. The more realistic answer is that I’d puke all over my Birkenstocks and then walk home because no cabbie would let me in his car, muttering “Fuck” under my breath and weeping as wave after wave of embarrassment spread over my person.
Emily Ratajkowski is not an Instagram model and it’d be an insult to call her that. She is a vision. A living, breathing, goddess, and while I’m sure this diatribe is going to get me placed on some sort of list, I don’t really care. For too long I’ve held my breath about this woman. Feels good to get it out in the open. She’s the hottest woman in the world, bar none, and I won’t hear anything to the contrary. .