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I’ve railed hard against the so called “Instagram model” in the past – excoriating their inability to post anything with a decent caption (which presumably drives activity on their posts and gets them more money) but also to encourage people to simply unfollow these fringe celebrities.
In a former life, my Instagram feed was absolutely littered with tits and ass. It got to a point where I wouldn’t open the IG app at the crowded bagel shop down the street from my apartment or in line at the liquor store trying to get a fresh bottle of Dewar’s because I was too scared that a little old lady would be standing behind and see call the police.
During this period, I seldom saw posts from friends as my feed became oversaturated with videos from Sommer Ray dancing in a thong to The Migos and Hannah Stocking looking sultry in a bikini in L.A. Unless you’ve had the same problem I had, you probably don’t even know who those people are and I promise you that you’re better for it.
The names of these “models” and their pictures soon just sort of blended together. Every picture became the same, and I was no longer impressed by incredibly attractive women in lingerie. It just didn’t move the needle like it used to because there was so much of on my feed. I had even considered making a burner account just for these Instagram models which in hindsight sounds absurd.
But then one day, common sense won out. I did a mass unfollowing of butt models on my second favorite app outside of Twitter. I now refer to it as The Great Purge of 2017- I got my head out of the gutter and it’s embarrassing to say but this unfollowing of a bunch of wannabe models selling FitTea on the internet made my life infinitely better.
But there was always one woman who I simply never could, or ever will unfollow, and her name is Emily Ratajkowski. During The Purge, I pondered it but whenever my thumb would hover over that “Unfollow” button my hand would start to shake uncontrollably.
For the sake of my sanity, I really did think long and hard about unfollowing all of them because for an average joe like myself, there is zero shot of ending up with a girl like this. Unrealistic expectations can ruin a person’s life, and Emrat is fake life if I’ve ever seen it. She lives above the fold in every possible way, vacationing on the Amalfi Coast for weeks at a time and then jet-setting over to Paris to a do a quick shoot for Dior or fucking Chanel.
She is widely known simply as @emrata on the interwebs, and she burst onto the modeling scene in 2013 when she appeared completely naked in Robin Thicke’s “Blurred Lines” music video. I’ll let you google that one on your own, but suffice it to say she made an impression on me, specifically in my loins.
She’s beauty, she’s grace, and she should be named Miss United States every single goddamn year. Emily Ratajkowski is 26 years old, and in an age where people’s time in the spotlight comes and goes very quickly, Emrata has never wavered. She is a benchmark in the Instagram and modeling community, a woman whose beauty cannot be understated. In a sea full of Z-list (albeit very attractive) Instagram models, Emrata perseveres and stays ahead of the pack.
This is the only person I follow on Instagram who I have alerts set up for. I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if I saw this woman in a public setting. I’d love to say that I would have the courage to go up to Ratajkowski and talk to her but that would make me a goddamn liar. The more realistic answer is that I’d puke all over my Birkenstocks and then walk home because no cabbie would let me in his car, muttering “Fuck” under my breath and weeping as wave after wave of embarrassment spread over my person.
Emily Ratajkowski is not an Instagram model and it’d be an insult to call her that. She is a vision. A living, breathing, goddess, and while I’m sure this diatribe is going to get me placed on some sort of list, I don’t really care. For too long I’ve held my breath about this woman. Feels good to get it out in the open. She’s the hottest woman in the world, bar none, and I won’t hear anything to the contrary. .
Respond
jduda@grandex.co
Back to the discussion of women that are a 10/10….she is one
After confirmation of the looks, she is also very intelligent. I agree with this rating.
Her face sucks. Looks like a fish.
*phish
Nice
profile pic checks out
…. sup?
Sup your way back up North
Technically we all evolved from fish according to the theory of evolution so that statement is semi accurate. If you come from the other side of the theoretical spectrum, you believe the world is only 12,000 years old thus making anything you say irrelevant lol
Ostrich with nice tits
Yea she’s a stone cold fox, but that bone structure doesn’t support the bearing of my future Olympian children. Her spindly legs show me that she might be chronically deficient in adequate calorie intake/key nutrients, and might have some bone density issues. I need to know that my mate has the overall hip/core strength required to withstand the impending nuclear winter and help me repopulate the earth with superbabies. Nived can probably back me up.
Okay Dwight
If you think I’m watering down my Norse Viking genes with someone who is highly susceptible to ACL tears, y’trippin
Genetic Diversity brother, spread your seed far and wide and name each of your male offspring Sue so they’ll grow up with gravel in their guts and spit in their eye. Kimber 1912s will rule the remaining colonies
This is a very thorough and correct analysis
Is criticizing IG posts for lack of caption content the new version of reading Playboy for the articles?
Let’s call this what it is. You were addicted to soft core porn and have semi-successfully removed yourself from it.
Tomato, tomaaato
I like a strong, salt of the earth, self-possessed woman at the top of her field. Your Sheryl Swoopes, Steffi Graf’s…
Yesterday Duda was a moron pissing on himself like a child, today he is a King. Well done
Also, @dave- Tiger as the odds-on favorite to win in Augusta? The biggest overreaction of 2018. I’m putting up a $100 Man Outfitters gift card against you right now that he won’t finish in the top 10, just to prove my point. You in?
He’s the solo leader at Bay Hill right now. He’s gonna be in final group at Augusta this year mark it down
He’s the solo leader at 11:23 am on Thursday? So impressive.
You want in on the action too, JD? Make it a $200 Man Outfitters card and I’m in
We know you don’t watch golf unless your friends do. And besides, the solo leader at Bay Hill in the morning of the first round before the afternoon wave goes off isn’t something to beat off to, Johnny Boy.
Impressive start by big cat, but tomorrow’s round will be much more telling as he’s actually in the afternoon wave tomorrow. Afternoon rounds are statistically higher scoring because the wind picks up by the time they’re on the course, shot shaping is more difficult, greens are littered with spike and fine pitch marks, on top of being a much faster surface due to the aforementioned wind drying the greens out.
This is a weird hill to die on, 19th. Tiger is good. It’s an inherent good when he plays and plays well. Rory and Spieth both missed the cut last week. Are they afraid of Tiger? Maybe.
Again, I’m not arguing if Tiger Woods is good at golf. I’m simply saying he’s not the best player in the world, he’s not going to be dominate again (or even win again), and he gets way too much tv coverage compared to what he’s actually doing on the course
I see there are some Tiger fan boys in the house, downvote me to the 8th degree of hell for all I care, I am just telling you the way this works.
Can we get a live blog today or tomorrow in honor of the two most exciting sports days of the year? Thanks.
Plus she’s Jewish. Literally gives me a pulmonary embolism whenever I see her
This is enjoyable content.
Her first real rise to fame was when she was Gibby’s girlfriend on iCarly. I made an account just to post this but the world needs to know