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Never dip your pen in the company ink. It’s an old adage that most of us have flirted with breaking or actually broken. It doesn’t always have to apply to hookups between co-workers, mere hookups in the office can be bad enough. And apparently, there’s a lot of ink being spilled.
According to the New York Post, a new study (by a sex toy store, so you know it’s scientific and peer-reviewed as hell) shows that 14% of polled employees have had sex at their place of work. Nearly 1 in 5 of those dirty birds have been caught in the act. And, thanks to the lies of the Office (team Jim and Karen forever) about 44% of employees have engaged in some form of an office romance.
As someone who is a bit more tame when it comes to public sex, and isn’t stupid enough to risk his career for some awkward nookie, I have a few questions for those of you who have banged in the same place you bang out TPS reports every day.
1. Can you really not wait?
Like honestly, this is what confuses me the most. I’ve worked in a lot of offices, and they’re not really filled with models in bikinis in skimpy outfits. More decently attractive folks in unflattering beige outfits. I get that spending all that time in close proximity with someone you’re attracted to, emotionally or physically, can get you going. But you really have to just jump Janice right now? You can’t wait a couple of hours before going home, or even fifteen minutes to sneak into the backseat of your car?
Also, it’s not like there’s a ton of alcohol flowing while you’re at work to lower your inhibitions and ramp up your sex drive. Like at the holiday party, I can get, but on a typical Tuesday when you and your work wife are staying late? You’re dealing with Powerpoint all day, what has got your engine so revved up that you must have sex now?
2. Do you want to get caught?
That’s it, isn’t it? You revel in the risk, the thrill of knowing that someone could catch you at any moment. I get it, some of you probably jack it with a door unlocked not knowing if the roommate will come in at any moment. But unlike that relatively harmless scenario that will leave you bashful and blue-balled, you have to know that getting caught at work is a far more dicey scenario.
I mean, if your boss catches you, you’re done. If the security cameras catch you, you’re done. If a co-worker catches you, you’re either done or they’ll blackmail you to the point that you’ll have to come clean or quit. Even if you hate your boss and your job, getting fired for having sex in your office is a black mark. When you have to tell your next employer why you left your last job, or they call a reference and find out why you were fired, you’re done. Is it really worth tanking your career prospects just because sex in full view of your boss’s office is the only thing that makes you feel alive?
3. Do you enjoy back pain?
The only way that office sex logistically works is either sex on your desk, or standing sex. No matter what Hollywood says, having sex standing up isn’t sexy. It’s uncomfortable and tiring and anyone who can do it for more than seven minutes without a break is in better shape than those ultramarathon runners. My non-existent sciatica started acting up just picturing standing sex.
And, while you females may get a slight break on the standing sex, desk sex cannot be pleasureable for you. A lot of offices might boast about ergonomic chairs and tables, but they weren’t designed for this. I can’t imagine getting pounded against fake wood is good on the old spine. Unless every other office but mine has rooms filled with mattresses, pillows, or bubble-wrap, you’re better off waiting to get to an actual bed.
4. What do you do if you don’t have an office?
If you’re the boss, and get off on having one of your subordinates close the door to give you two some privacy, I get that. I mean you’re an ultra creep, but at least you can lock the door to prevent from getting caught. But for the rest of us peons who haven’t rose the ranks don’t have that luxury.
Are you gonna fuck in your cubicle? Well in addition to having little privacy and shaking the walls of a neighbor’s cube, you have very little room to maneuver. I mean, try lying down in your cubicle; even at a diagonal that’s a tall task.
And if you’re in one of those open-office floor plans? Well now you have more room, but absolutely no privacy. I mean, at least a row of cubicles can provide you some cover if your boss comes in having forgotten something. If she comes back in to an open floor plan, you better pray she goes temporarily blind or you put a fake tree in her line of sight, because even Stevie Wonder could see you two.
5. Do you sweep all the papers off your desk all dramatically when you’re going to do it?
I feel like if you don’t, you’re wasting a massive opportunity.
6. If not at your desk, where?
A lot of people work jobs that don’t require them to sit behind a desk for hours on end. A lot of people are constantly travelling, on job sites, or working from home. I don’t really think you can consider any of those as being “office sex” (especially working from home, that’s like the Free Space in Bingo), but what about those who work in hospitals, firehouses, police stations, or whatever?
I know from shows like Scrubs that some non-office work environments do have beds available, but isn’t there the same sort of fear that one would have having sex there as you would doing it in the middle of an office? So what do you do to get some privacy? Supply closet? Bathroom stall? The Room of Requirement?
7. Are you doing this often?
I’m not sure whether it’s more or less understandable if you’re doing it at the office consistently or if it was just a one-off occasion. If it’s a pattern, then you’ve presumably given some more thought and care into your plan, taking time to weigh whether the thrill or discretion outweighs the risk of losing your job. You’re probably cheating on a spouse, so your home is not an option, nor is a hotel room (can’t leave a paper trail). But you’ve also had time to come up with an alternative plan.
On the other hand, a one-off is more spur of the moment, so I can excuse the lack of planning. But it also shows a lack of impulse control. Like I said before, keep it locked up until you get home.
8. Which of you is getting fired?
Because one of you definitely is. An office romance inevitably ends with someone leaving. Best case scenario, you don’t get caught, you two decide the relationship is worth pursuing, and one of you leaves on your own terms to make sure there’s no conflict of interest. Worst case, one of you uses it as leverage to blackmail your partner and forces the other to quit. More likely, though, is that you get caught, it’s super awkward, and the company lays one or both of you off. And if one of you does keep your job, it’s going to be the one who flips on the other. There’s no worse double gut shot to the feels like having someone you like betray you and also getting laid off. .