======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
Much like assholes, everyone has their own preferred e-mail signature. I like to spell out “e-mail” like this (instead of the more modern “email”) because it brings me back to a simpler time, but that is neither here nor there.
We still use the e-mail signature like we’re mailing correspondence in the Reconstruction Era because people over a certain age in offices across this country would in some way feel slighted if we didn’t. To a very specific demographic, not using an e-mail signature is paramount to jerking off in a potted plant a la Harvey Weinstein.
If it up were up to me, we would have done away with the e-mail signature long ago, opting instead to simply end the message with the last sentence typed out. You know who is e-mailing you. Why do we still feel the need, after years and years on the internet, to use this outdated and arbitrary custom? This is all a pipe dream because as you know, there are far too many people with delicate sensibilities wandering the earth for this to ever truly die.
So here, in no particular order, is yet another list. And you guessed it! Along with each individual paragraph, there are a few blurbs stating what it says about you as a person. Cheers!
Signing an e-mail with “Best” is the peak of passive aggressiveness. “Best” is really just office speak for “Fuck Off.” You could be asking an underling for a report that was due yesterday or you could be rehashing an incredibly simple concept that you’ve already put into three e-mails before this one – signing an e-mail with “Best” is a great way to let people know that you’re snarky and you’re done messing around.
It does have another use, though, and that is as the most commonly used signature amongst two people who don’t really know each other. I get e-mails from recruiters and people trying to get me to pimp their shitty products to my small (but loyal) following all of the time. Sometimes “Best” really does the trick. It’s impersonal but personal at the same time.
I like to use this one when I’m e-mailing a coworker whom I have only met in a very cursory sense. I also whip it out when I’m messaging with a close friend whom I haven’t spoken to in a while because they’re living their life in Tokyo, Japan. “Warm Regards” connotes elegance and it also comes off as very polite, but should only be used with people whom you don’t regularly speak to.
The last sentence of an e-mail with the word “Sincerely” in it reads exactly like this – “Please find attached to this e-mail my resume, cover letter, and a list of references.” Sincerely is outdated as all hell and the only reason anyone uses it is when they’re applying for a job they know they probably don’t have a shot in hell of getting.
Office douchebag. Probably was in a fraternity (not that there’s anything wrong with that) and more than likely likes to quote Anchorman “with his boys.” Cheers is a great way to weed out awful people from your life. This isn’t England and we’re not at the pub having a pint with the lads. Only the worst kind of douchebag uses “cheers” as an e-mail signature. Stay away from them.
– [your initials here]
Love this move. Should only be used once you’ve gotten extremely comfortable with someone, but it is so much better than any other e-mail signature because it’s simple. It can definitely come off as cold or callous in some way if you don’t really know the person you’re e-mailing with, but it’ll save you a few extra seconds of time and it’s far more original than using anything else in this godforsaken listicle..
Image via Unsplash