During The Cold Winter Months, Alcohol Isn’t Just A Thing — It’s The Only Thing

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I’m officially sick of talking about Thanksgiving and it’s not even here yet so I’ll make this introduction short and sweet. Thanksgiving isn’t a one day holiday. It’s a week if we’re looking at it objectively. Nothing is getting done in the office even if your boss is evil incarnate and makes you come in this Friday. This week signifies something much larger than giving thanks for the blessing of a bountiful harvest.

Yielding a bunch of crops was a reason for national celebration in 17th century colonial times. That isn’t so much the case anymore. You thought Thanksgiving was about catching up with extended family and eating until you felt sick?

Thanksgiving is merely a jumping off point. This week signifies the beginning of a long drinking campaign.

For the next five to six months (depending on where you live) you really don’t have a whole lot to look forward to outside of Christmas and New Year’s Eve.

For me here in Chicago (or anyone in the Midwest, for that matter), Thanksgiving shouldn’t be looked as a holiday. It’s a shifting point. And I guess this shifting point can also be applied to the coastal elites out east but they’re dicks so fuck them.

It is usually right around this time when priorities start to change. Going out when it’s 23 degrees outside and sleeting isn’t very much fun even if it is on a Friday night.

The sandy beach that runs adjacent to Lake Shore Drive is closed for the season. The gray skies of November are only going to turn grayer with December on the horizon.

The weather is turning for the worse and right now there is no light at the end of the tunnel. We haven’t even come close to reaching the summit of truly shit weather. This promises to be a drabby ass winter for those of us who become seasonally depressed. It’s tough during these winter months to get excited about stuff. It feels like it’s dark outside all of the time.

There just isn’t much for me or my fellow Midwesterners to do other than bunker down and brace for impact. But don’t be distressed, for I have the perfect cure-all.

For better or worse, drinking is the social currency in this part of the country. There is no skiing (which I’m in no way advocating for because it is a huge pain in the ass to go skiing) or any real outdoor activity outside of walking to your train or bus stop to get to work. If you’re not drinking, you’re probably sitting at home watching Netflix (which, by the way, is made infinitely better with two to three glasses of Pinot Noir). Alcohol is the answer as we stare down the barrel of another long winter. It’s what is going to get you through all of it.

There are plenty of events to go to all over the Chicago, Kansas City, Columbus, Detroit, etc. and they are focused pretty heavily around drinking. I don’t really know how one lives in the Midwest as a sober person because alcohol really does numb the pain of a cold winter.

It’s red wines, brown liquor, and meals heavy in the carb department. It’s crackling fireplaces, heated blankets, and not moving from your couch or bed for upwards of 48 hours once the work day on Friday ends.

In the winter months, alcohol isn’t just a thing, it’s the only thing. Without alcohol, there is nothing. Okay, that’s admittedly a bit dramatic but you get the jist.

I told you a few months back that summer was upon us and that I was begging you to make the most of it. So now that’s it gone what do you have to show for it? Did you do everything you wanted to?

I ride the train to work every single morning. Do you know what I see all around me from November to mid-March? Abject misery. No one is making eye contact. Heads are bowed to the floor, with heavy duty boots on and dress shoes in a side bag or backpack.

The winter months are a time for reflection and fattening up. It’s a time to drink copious amounts of alcohol indoors with close friends and loved ones. It’s not a great time to be in a cold weather state, but we can make it tolerable with help from whiskey, bourbon, eggnog, wine, and a bunch of other alcohols that I am forgetting at the moment. Settle in. Strap the drinking boots on. It’s going to be a long time before we get to toss a pair of swimtrunks on..

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Johnny D

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