A Dude’s Breakdown Of Week 4 Of “The Bachelor”

======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====

Enjoy The Bachelor? Follow along with the guys from Touching Base as they recap each and every episode. Subscribe on iTunes and SoundCloud, or listen below.

Alright folks. We’re four weeks in, and I still don’t give two shits about any of these people. That being said, this week takes us out of the Bachelor Mansion and to South Lake Tahoe, so at least we have a beautiful backdrop for the shedding of innumerable tears during this weeks two one-on-one dates, group date, and Rose Ceremony. Let’s break it down.

One-on-One Date with Seinne

The episode begins as Chris Harrison comes into the Bachelor Mansion with an announcement. “Congratulations!” he tells them. “You’ve unlocked a new achievement. By surviving the first three weeks of this insanity, you’ve now progressed to the ‘free vacation’ stage of the game journey to find love. As compensation for your likely humiliation, ABC is going to bankroll some globe-trotting until Arie tires of you. Your Insta game is about to get hella lit so get ready for those Sugar Bear Hair sponsorships to start rolling in!.” With that, Chris departs and the ladies scurry off to pack their shit and head to South Lake Tahoe.

As they arrive at their next destination, the producers take the ladies out of their SUVs and force them to run up to the alpine lodge where they’ll be held captive for the next week pretending to scream in ecstasy to fill a few extra seconds of this boring ass episode. As soon as they run through the house, Kendall begins crying tears of happiness because this deathtrap is full of taxidermy. “It feels like home!” she wails. She slowly walks through the house, gingerly petting the stuff corpses and whispering sweet nothings into their stiff, pointy ears. If this nutjob isn’t locked up by the end of the show, I will be floored. It’s proof that if you’re hot, you can get away with just about anything.

While the ladies settle into their new digs, the first date card arrives and reads “Let’s let our love soar…” and is addressed to Seinne. Although she’s excited for some solo time with Arie, she tells the camera that she’s nervous she may get the ax like Hot Lauren did last week. “It’s hard to relax and be natural when there’s this much pressure!” she remarks.

Hopefully, some of that pressure is alleviated when Arie rolls up to the lodge in an old open cab red pickup truck with a lift kit to pick Seinne up for their date, because he’s clearly compensating for something with that choice of ride. The remaining women watch jealously as Arie and Seinne drive off, staring at the gently swaying Truck Nutz as they slowly disappear into the distance.

Arie parks near the shores of South Lake Tahoe and he and Seinne stroll to the end of a nearby pier. They are greeted by a boat crew, where they learn that the “soar” the date card mentioned will be parasailing.

Meanwhile, back at the lodge, it turns out that a genius producer left a shit ton of binoculars at laying around, so instead of seeing what’s actually happening on Arie and Seinne’s date, we get to watch the rest of the women act like Peeping Toms and succumb to overwhelming FOMO. It’s way more entertaining than listening to some bullshit conversation about feelings.

After a commercial break that seemingly lasts for eternity, we’re finally forced to watch some actual footage Arie and Seinne parasailing. The conversation is incredibly interesting. Arie says, “Wow! We’re really high up here!” Seinne replies, “Yeah! It feels like we’re flying!” Newsflash: you are really high in the air and you are flying. I’ve seen more riveting conversations transpire in those bullshit skits you had to put on during high school Spanish class than what we witness during their parasailing escapade.

As the couple glides around above Lake Tahoe, we jump to a cutaway interview with Seinne. She tells the camera that parasailing is “about not letting go and seeing where the wind takes you!” That would actually be hang gliding, which is not what you are doing. Parasailing is sitting in a harness attached to a parachute while being pulled by a boat. They’re totally different, Seinne. I thought your Ivy League education would have given you the ability to deduce that. On a semi-related note, do y’all remember the time Andi Dorfman sent a dude home on her season because he dared to question her intentions and then he ended up dying in a hang gliding accident a few days later? I bet the guilt from that doesn’t still keep her up at night.

After they touch back down on dry land, Arie and Seinne sip champagne on a beach and have even more meaningful conversations. It goes a little something like this:

Seinne: “I love the sound of water crossing.”

Arie: “That’s so awesome. I love anything outdoors.”

As the conversation continues in a similar fashion, it becomes very apparent that while Seinne is indeed articulate and thoughtful, Arie is a real dumb-dumb who can barely manage to form cohesive sentences. Must we continue?

Mercifully, we get a break from Arie and Seinne’s Oscar-worthy dialogue as we cut back to the girls’ lodge to see Maquel on the balcony talking on a cell phone. This is weird – the producers don’t let contestants have access to phones unless something serious is happening. Maquel starts ugly crying and we learn that her grandfather passed away. She decides to leave to be with her family, and it’s unclear whether or not she’ll be allowed to return, which is a bummer both for her and for the rest of us who enjoy watching attractive people on television.

After their romantic afternoon parasailing, Arie and Seinne really up the ante by heading to the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in Lake Tahoe. It’s a very classy establishment – I’ve actually been there before and from what I can remember, the bathroom where I ended up vomiting later in the night after my ninth, tenth or possible sixteenth whiskey ginger was very pleasant. Unfortunately, the cocktail waitresses were definitely the B team compared to the real deal in Vegas. Can’t win ‘em all.

Arie and Seinne stroll through the casino hand-in-hand, their walk lit ever so gently by the neon lights of the slot machines. Seinne is looking real fine in a light pink bodycon dress; Ari also stepped up to the plate and is looking like a real high school asshole in his jeans and blue button-down. As they arrive at dinner, Seinne compliments the choice of restaurant. Girl – you’re in a lounge in the Hard Rock Casino in Lake Tahoe. You don’t have to lie. This is basically a glammed up Outback Steakhouse with shittier Bloomin’ Onions.

They cut away to an interview with Seinne where she reveals that her parents struggled through their relationship during her childhood. She also talks about her fears that as a black woman, society doesn’t often paint a lot of fairytale endings, so she’s not convinced that she’s going to get hers here. It’s a transparent and heartbreaking moment. I hadn’t really thought much about Seinne up until this point, but after seeing this vulnerability, I’m 100% on her team now. I hope she gets her happy ending. I also hope it’s not with Arie. She could do way better.

In a move that shocks approximately no one, Arie picks up the rose. He tells Seinne, “Even though you didn’t grow up thinking that you could have a love story that looks like this, I think tonight could be the start of something amazing. This could be the start of our love story.” She gladly accepts the rose and they depart the shit hole restaurant and go to a small shit hole venue within the Hard Rock Casino, where they’re greeted by about 200 screaming middle-aged women who comprise the audience for a Lanco concert. I don’t know who or what Lanco is, and frankly friends, I don’t give a damn either. Arie and Seinne get up on a stage in the middle of the crowd and slow dance and make out while all these people stare at them. It’s literally my nightmare.

Survivor Group Date

This week’s group date card arrives and is addressed to Chelsea, Medusa Krystal, Becca K, Marikh, Ashley, Jacqueline, Jenna, Tia, Kendall, Lauren, Brittany, and Caroline. It reads, “Will our love survive?” and I don’t even need to see what’s coming to know the answer to that question. No. No, it won’t.

After scrounging through their bags to find an outfit that is remotely flattering but also outdoorsy enough to survive in the snow, the women walk down a gravel path where they are greeted by Arie standing in the middle of the woods. How long has he been there? Who led him to the spot? Was he supervised? Sometimes I worry about his ability to manage day-to-day life. This show leaves so many unanswered questions.

Arie addresses the issue of Maquel going home and thanks the rest of the women for their continued presence in the competition for his penis affection. Krystal giggles, bats her eyelashes, twirls her hair, curtsies, and takes her panties off before she says, “No problem, Arie. I just want you to know that I care about you so much that I made sure that my grandfather didn’t die and disrupt our love story.”

After this tender moment, Arie asks the women if they want to go on a hike. Most of them pretend to be happy and excited about being outdoorsy; however, unlike Arie, the rest of America can see right through this bullshit. There’s about a 10% chance that any of these girls actually like to do outdoorsy shit. That being said, Kendall is all about this date. Given that the rest of us don’t collect animal corpses, I think she’s probably the outlier here. While most of the women are able to feign some excitement, Marikh can’t find two shits to rub together to even appear remotely enthusiastic. You can tell she’s out of her element and she hates every second of the stupid date. I get it. I don’t love outdoors that much either. Patio drinking? Sign me up. Hanging out on a boat on the lake? Just tell me when and where and I’ll bring a cooler full of beer. Hiking through the fucking wilderness with a 50-pound pack on my back and the knowledge that at some point I’m going to have to shit in the woods? Hard pass. Not about that life. Give me plumbing or give me death.

As the crew stumbles through the woods they eventually happen upon an older couple who are given the task of trying to teach these imbeciles how to survive in the woods. Retired Green Beret Mykel Hawks introduces himself first. “I’m Myke Hawk,” he tells them. “I bet you are, daddy,” Brittany whispers as she salutes him. It’s funny because “Myke Hawk” sounds like “my cock.” Get it? Gotta love a good dick joke. For those of you who don’t actually watch the show, I’m honestly surprised more of the ladies didn’t try to take Myke Hawk for a ride – if we’re being honest, this guy is better looking than Arie. I’m sure a few of the women wouldn’t mind being stragglers and being saved by Myke Hawk.

Marikh says what all the women are thinking, “I think we’re going to die today. They’re going to make us do some crazy shit. I’m into a lot of different crazy shit, but like, not if I run the risk of my eyelashes falling off. I just, you know, don’t really like to do activities.”

Myke Hawk tells the women their first task will involve hydration. “There’s not a lot of water around here, so you have to do what you have to do to survive. We’re going to give Arie a water bottle, and we’re going to give each of you water bottle, and you’re going to go out in the woods and fill it up. Sometimes when you’re in these situations, you just have to recycle.” As a medical professional, I do not endorse the ingestion of urine. I repeat, please do not drink your own piss. If you’re in a situation that dire, man the fuck up and just die like a normal human.

Marikh offers some more words of wisdom. “Gandhi used to drink his own pee,” she explains. “But guess what? I’m not fucking Gandhi. I ain’t doin’ it.”

Honestly, this part of the date is a great social experiment because all these bitches actually went and peed inside their water bottles. Did they share a funnel? Is there just urine everywhere on the bottle and their hands now? Again, I have so many questions. This shit is not normal! They’re going to have to live with this television footage for the rest of your life as a reminder of the moment their collective self-esteem was so low that they were willing to pee in a bottle for a chance to get a boyfriend.

After their pit stop, the group reconvenes in a clearing with Myke Hawk. He tells them that Arie is going to lead by example, and Arie proceeds to chug his canister. As he starts gulping down his own urine, I start gulping down my own vomit which had decided to make a surprise appearance in my mouth. After a few chugs, Arie says “Surprise! It’s just apple juice!” Everyone breathes a sigh of relief except for Jacqueline, who in an extraordinary “fuck it” moment decided that the best way to impress Arie would be to actually drink her own urine. Just as she lifts the Thermos full of her own excrement to her lips, Arie yells, “Stop!” She realizes her mistake and drops the bottle moments before a tsunami of golden shower would have cascaded into her gullet.

After the urine fiasco, Myke Hawk’s wife takes some worms out of the ground. “If you bitches can’t eat drink your own piss, maybe you can handle some of nature’s candy,” she says. Tia and Kendall are all about it. Of course they are. As they down real worms like gummy worms, we see Arie sign in relief. He says, “Thank God. If they’re willing to put these worms in their mouths, they’ll have no problem blowing me in the fantasy suite.” Kendal and Arie also have no problem making out immediately after they both ate a worm, so that’s special.

Meanwhile, Krystal tells the camera, “Wow. Like, a lot of these girls are, like, desperately seeking Arie’s attention. It’s, like, so extra.” Pot, meet kettle.

To add insult to piss drinking and worm-eating injury, it starts to snow. I’m watching this at home in the comfort of my own living room underneath a blanket and I still blurt out, “Fuck that noise!” as the snowflakes begin to flurry from the sky. As a parting gift, Myke Hawk gives the women backpacks full of gear as well as maps and tells them these maps lead to a special final destination, if they can make it. “I’m definitely not going to make it,” Marikh says. “I’m going to fucking die, and it better happen soon.”

The women are divided into three teams for this map adventure, and Arie joins up with Krystal, Kendall, Tia, and Caroline’s group for the expedition. They have no issue navigating the wilds of Nevada and quickly find their destination – a secluded cabin with an attached hot spring where 16 bottles of champagne await them in an ice bucket. I counted. I retract my previous statement about not being outdoorsy – I’d definitely drop a deuce in the woods to have access to that quantity of quality bubbly.

While Arie is showing off his dad bod in the hot tub with his team, the rest of the women are floundering as they try to interpret their map and hike through the wilderness. Much like an animal sensing that the end of its life is near, Marikh climbs into a hole to await her death. Britney tells the camera, “I’m not sure what’s happening, I’m just trying to get over this fucking mountain.”

Back in the hot springs, Arie sits next to Krystal and puts his arm around her. Caroline and Tia decide to mock this from across the hot tub; I think it’s hilarious however, unsurprisingly, Krystal gets mega butthurt about it. She tells the camera, “I, like, feel like I’m at a high school summer camp competing for the hot camp counselor.” News flash Krystal, you’re at grown ass women camp and you’re definitely competing for Arie. It’s actually somehow even more pathetic than the situation you described. You’re on The Bachelor. This is how it works. Please stop talking. Please go home. Please leave me in peace. Eventually, the other two teams stumble out of the woods as if they’re children of the corn and join the rest of the crew in the hot springs and demolish the champagne. I respect that move.

The remainder of the date is a cocktail party at a rustic lodge somewhere in Tahoe. Arie offers a toast to the women and then and steals Lauren away first. Lauren tells him, “Arie, it’s hard for me to open up. I’m really trying, though. I think that you’re hot and cool.” Arie tells the camera, “Wow! I think we’ve really had a breakthrough tonight.” He thanks Lauren for being vulnerable and then they make out. I hate this show. I hate everything. Everything is stupid.

Arie’s next conversation is with Kendall, and he tells her how brave she was on the date. She replies, “I’ve actually always wanted to eat a lot of bugs, so this was a perfect afternoon for me.” Arie chuckles, “That’s gross. But you’re hot and I want to do stuff with you. Please stop eating bugs because it makes me want to kiss you less, but I’ll still do it anyway.”

Kendall goes on to tell Arie that she has a small taxidermy duckling that is traveling with her and she spent part of the day hanging out with him. She also thinks that he’s alive. The cracks in Kendall’s sanity are really beginning to show; however, since all of the blood is currently in Arie’s penis, there is none left for his brain to use to pick on these obvious red flags.

As Kendall returns to the circle of women, she tells them she really enjoyed this group date. Marikh comments, “Kendall’s for sure going to get the group date rose because she ate the most bugs!” Krystal interjects, “HiiiiiIIIIIIIiiiiiii. I feel like this date made me feel really challenged because there were a lot of women to compete with for Arie’s attention. I think it was, like, super obvious that people had personalities, and I don’t think Arie is interested in personality. I think he’s interested in me.”

The group collectively rolls its eyes as they unite in their hatred for Krystal. After four weeks in the Bachelor mansion, the women’s cycles have finally synchronized and their group consciousness begins to plot her destruction. In cutaway with interviews with three different women, they all do a spot on impression of Krystal and it’s one of the most hilarious segments of television I’ve ever seen. They hate this bitch as much as I do and I couldn’t be happier.

While all this is happening, Krystal seizes the moment to spend some time alone with Arie. “HiiiiiiIIIIIIIiiiiii” she drawls at him. “Arie, I have, like, a mix of emotions. Happy, like, to be here, because something I really feel so excited about is our connection. But, like, at the same time, it’s hard because I got a one-on-one so early, so I feel like a target was put on my back. It’s hard. It just weighs on me. I feel a little ostracized.” When asked why she feels this way, and she brings up Tia and Caroline in the hot springs. “They were just fucking around, and it was pretty damn funny,” Arie tells her. While they’re having this discussion Tia walks up to try to interrupt the conversation. In a super manipulative move, Krystal asks if Arie will ask Tia for more time, which he does. She has him whipped already.

After Arie rebuffs her, Tia walked back to the rest of the women, making a face as if she’s gagging on her own vomit. It’s ironic because I’m doing the exact same thing for the second time this evening. However, she quickly overcomes her nausea and sits down with a skewer full of bacon-wrapped cocktail wieners, the official food of her hometown, to dull the pain of her feelings.

After her conversation with Arie, Krystal sits on the arm of the couch next to Tia and Caroline. “HiiiIIIIIIiiii friends,” she says. They ignore her. “HiiiiiiiiiIIIIIIiiiii,” she says again, reaching out to squeeze Tia’s wenis. “Leave me alone,” Tia tells her. “I have wieners in my mouth and I’d like to enjoy this moment privately.” Krystal flutters her fake eyelashes. “Can I actually pull you two for just a minute?” Tia stares straight ahead, enjoying her wieners. Caroline replies, “Oh, you want to pull us? Sure. Let’s fucking do this.” As Krystal saunters away, Caroline and Tia look at each other, slam their champagne flutes against a nearby coffee table turning them in the makeshift shivs and silently follow Krystal.

As they sit down, Krystal starts the conversation. “HiiiiIIIIIiiiii. I just wanted to express to you that my feelings felt really hurt today…” Caroline interrupts her. “Oh, your feelings got hurt when we were in the hot springs goofing around and pretending Tia and I were dating?” she asks. “That seriously bothered you that much?” Again, Krystal flutters her eyelashes as if they are hummingbird wings and she’s trying to take flight. For a moment I hope that she can blink fast enough to fly and pray that there’s a ceiling fan directly above her when it happens. I think her blinking is supposed to portray surprise and innocence, but really it looks like the prodrome to a seizure.

“I just felt, like, very attacked,” Krystal states.

“I promise you it was not an attack,” says Caroline. “I was the one who did it, and that’s not what I meant by it.”

“It was an attack,” Krystal states.

“Listen bitchtits,” Tia finally pipes up, swallowing the last of her wieners. “The way you felt in that moment is how the rest of us feel every time you open your condescending goddamn mouth. You hurt all of our feelings all the time and don’t give a shit about it. When someone does it to you, it’s like the world is ending. Pull your head out of your ass, because if it’s still up there when I plant my boot in there, it’s gonna get real crowded.”

Krystal seems genuinely surprised. “If I’m making you uncomfortable, I wish you would say something.”

“Is that not what I just did?” Tia asks.

“I just, like, feel very uncomfortable because I got a one on one date so early in the season…” Krystal laments.

“Sweet Jesus. Please do not play the victim here. I cannot believe you’re complaining about getting a one-on-one date. Are you for real right now? What the fuck is wrong with you? Actually, I don’t care. Fuck this. I’m out.” Tia retorts as she stands to leave, middle fingers in the air.

As Tia is walking away, she happens to catch sight of Arie. She starts to vent to him about the Krystal bullshit but stops herself. “I don’t want to waste my time with you talking about this. I want to talk to you about us.” Arie agrees, so they spend the rest of their time together making out. Classic Kissing Bandit.

Arie eventually returns to the rest of the women. In a cutaway interview, Caroline tells the camera, “I think if Krystal gets the group date rose tonight, Tia is going to speedbag her face.” It took me a second to realize what she meant – I’ve never heard that expression before. It finally dawns on me that she was referring to a boxing speedbag, and just for that I kind of hope Krystal gets the rose because nothing would make me happier than to see Tia maul the shit out of Krystal’s smug face. Alas, Arie does the right thing and gives Tia the group date rose, ensuring Queen Wiener is safe for another week.

One-on-One with Pixie Tits

Arie greets Pixie Tits in a mountain field, where she promptly mounts him as a greeting. Their date is incredibly generic. They go horseback riding. They make out in a hot tub some poor, unpaid Bachelor intern had to assemble. Arie tells the camera, “When I think about Bekah, I’m constantly surprised by just how full of life and mature she seems.” Jokes about to be on you, idiot. bitch. As they canoodle in the hot tube, Arie tells a story about how he crashed one of his racing trucks and broke his collarbone. I lose interest.

I black back in as Arie and Pixie Tits arrive to some unspecified location for the evening portion of their date. Arie tells the camera, “I want to use tonight to see if our lives really match up. Are we in the same place?” Spoiler alert – you’re not. Remember when you were in eighth grade having wet dreams? Pixie Tits wasn’t even born yet.

As the evening progresses, Arie asks Pixie Tits if she thought that she’d be ready to settle down and get married if she met the right person at the right time. It’s a dumb question. She replies, “I don’t know that I’ve ever been with the right person at the right time, so I don’t know how to answer that question.” She’s 22. Of course she hasn’t been with the right person at the right time. When you’re 22, all you’re doing is preparing to be 23, and everyone knows at age 23, you’re a huge, selfish piece of shit. Nobody likes you when you’re 23..

Continuing to paint himself in the best possible way, Arie goes on to talk about the things he has started enjoying since he is now 36, including, but not limited to: waking up with the sun, going to bed early, drinking prune juice to keep his bowels regular, and snorting lines of Viagra off of strippers’ asses.

As Arie continues to talk about these boring things, Pixie Tits interrupts him. “Do you know how old I am?” Arie thinks for a moment and replies “I don’t think I’ve ever asked you that question before.”

Pixie Tits sighs. “I don’t really want to tell you, because I don’t want you to see me through the lens of my age.”

“Wait,” Arie says. “So how old are you?”

“I’m 22.” Pixie Tits tells him.

“22?” Arie shouts. “Back the fuck train up. You’re so young!” He stares at her, perplexed, before casually leaning off screen and whispering “I didn’t break any laws, did I?” to a nearby producer.

The rest of the date is basically a circle jerk of Arie telling Pixie Tits that she’s too young for this shit, and Pixie Tits pleading to not be sent home because of her age. It’s obvious that he’s going to send her home because of her age at some point, right? After much deliberation and face touching, Arie decides to keep her around for at least a little bit longer and give her a rose. They do have chemistry – I mean what dude in his mid-to-late 30s doesn’t want to smash a 22-year-old? I wouldn’t be surprised if she gets a hometown just for the sheer television gold that would be watching this 22-year-old bring home a 36-year-old man to meet her parents. If there is a God, I pray he lets this happen.

Cocktail Party

As the ladies sit waiting for Arie to appear for the evening’s cocktail party, they are surprised instead by Chris Harrison. “Tonight’s cocktail party has been cancelled due to lack of hustle,” Lord Harrison informs them. “Deal with it. Actually, I’m just kidding, Arie already decided what hoes he want to keep in a different area code. And by that I mean you’ll be going back to your home area code. You’re going to get rejected publicly and then we’re all going to leave to go someplace else and you’re going to have to think about why this happened to you in the Tahoe airport for the next eight to twelve hours while you wait to fly back to your mundane life.” Without further adieu, the producers herd the ladies to the Rose Ceremony.

Rose Ceremony

Seinne, Tia, and Pixie Tits already have roses. Despite her obvious, palpable, strong, mature, unshakeable, and overall, like, totally amazing connection with Arie, Krystal pipes up before the first rose is offered.

“HiiiiIIIIIIiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii,” she pants. “I was like wondering if I could just steal a teeny moment of your time AriIIIIeee.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Tia mouths directly at a camera. Arie rolls his eyes and acquiesces. Although its seems like he’d rather get in another racing accident, I suspect at this point he is growing genuinely fearful that Krystal will murder him in his sleep and wear him like a skinsuit a la Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs. His only reassurance is that Krystal and Kendall haven’t gotten too chummy yet.

Turns out Krystal has nothing important to say. “HiiiiiiIIIIIIiiiii. I just want you to know that I’m here for you.” She tells him. “Anything else?” Arie asks. “Nope!” Krystal says. “I just needed some attention. We’re good now.”

After Arie sends Krystal back to the hole from whence she hatched, he restarts the Rose Ceremony. This week’s 9 remaining roses go to:

1. Lauren – Baby LoLo, the last of the Laurens
2. Kendall – I was promised a taxidermy duckling. Where is my taxidermy ducking?
3. Ashley – I am growing concerned that Ashley is just a figment of my imagination
4. Becca K – When walking up to accept her rose, she offers an apology to Arie. “Sorry, I’m a little sweaty right now.” I’m shocked he didn’t propose to her on the spot.
5. Chelsea – I hate Krystal so much Chelsea is actually starting to grow on me. Must be the Stockholm Syndrome
6. Jenna – She’s got to be getting close to the chopping block
7. Jacqueline – Piss drinker
8. Marikh – Sizzle sqaud
9. Krystal – I’m not saying the Krystal is the Antichrist, but I also don’t have any evidence that Krystal is not the Antichrist

This means that we’re saying goodbye to Brittany, although the GIFs of her wiggling her cleavage in excitement will live forever, and Caroline, Tia’s wingwoman and Krystal shit-talking enthusiast. It’s unclear whether or not Maquel will be returning, but for all of our sakes, I hope she overcomes her grief in record time and graces our televisions once again. It looks like next week the crew is headed to Ft. Lauderdale, so prepare yourself for yacht dates and metaphors about love being deep like the ocean by placing a barf bucket next to your wine glass. See you then..

Image via YouTube / ABC

56

Respond

Email this to a friend

Hey, I saw this on Post Grad Problems. Check it out.

Crick Watson MD

Trust me, I'm a doctor.

• @CrickWatsonMD