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The aisle is emptying, passengers’ carry-ons are being stowed, and this plane is slowly nearing takeoff. I glance down at my ticket, look up at my row, and then I see you. You see me as well, and I see that you see that I see you. We make eye contact and share a look, acknowledging the situation that fate has placed us in today.
As I finish stuffing my oversized but practical gym bag into the overhead compartment, I ponder how the next few hours will play out. I know there’s no easy way to break it to you, but it’s something I need to make clear. Don’t take this the wrong way, but I don’t want to talk to you.
I’ll say this: it has nothing to do with you personally. How could it? I don’t know you, and I’ve only been sitting here with you for five minutes. And quite frankly, I’m a pretty nice guy. I hold doors for guys and girls alike. I say “bless you” when a stranger sneezes around me. And I overuse “please” and “thank you” to the point that I’ve even seen it noticeably irritate a restaurant staff. All of that being said, I still don’t want to talk to you on our flight.
I realize that if you’re going to be sitting in a flying piece of pipe for hours on end, it might be in your best interest to at least familiarize yourself with your surroundings. That’s why I’m not gonna be a total dick, and I’ll probably toss you a casual “How’s it going?” while taking my seat. But that’s where we need to draw the line. As great of a conversation as I’m sure it could be if I gave it a chance, the fact is it’s still not a chance I’m willing to take. The chance that you are socially and conversationally awkward, that is, or just that any exchange we have is a total bust. I’m sure your niece’s wedding was a blast and a half, and I bet you’re really looking forward to taking that cruise with your wife next month. But instead of talking about it, let’s just not and say we did. If we were to start chopping it up with each other before lift-off, you’d probably think I’m an okay dude and that continuing a casual conversation the whole duration of the trip would be a good idea. But it’s just not a good idea.
In a few short hours (the fewer, the better), we’re both going to go about our separate lives and never see or hear from each other again. We will have successfully made it from point A to point B, and isn’t that the reason we even got on the plane in the first place? And if we are truly to never cross paths again in this world or the next, then wouldn’t our few precious hours on this bird be better spent trying to get some sleep or catching up on our favorite podcasts?
Like I said earlier, it’s nothing personal. But we gotta look at the situation realistically and do what is in our collective best interest. You seem like a nice person, and I hope you find everything you’re looking for when we get off this plane and go our separate ways. I just don’t feel like talking to you. Thanks for being so understanding. .
Respond
Can’t join the mile high club if you don’t talk to anyone.
Regrettably, most air travelers over the age of 65 are unable to pick-up on this vibe. “My new best friend in the seat next to me OBVIOUSLY wants to carry on a lengthy and meaningless conversation… I mean, look, he just put his earbuds in!”
Had one of these travels physically remove my earbud because she wanted to tell me “one more thing” about her 40yo son’s dog…
Can I get this in a PDF to print and hand out on my flights?
Shit man if you can’t have a couple beers and shoot the shit with the guy sitting next to you for a couple hours once in awhile you probably need to take life a little less seriously
How many beers we talkin here? Six or so? I’m in.
When talking alcohol, “a couple” is the low key way to say “at least 6.” And this goes for anything: Shots, beer, glasses etc.
No wonder my wife gets pissed when I tell her I have a couple beers after she goes to bed at night (Hint:18)
Supposedly the most common lie men tell their wives is how much they drink / had to drink when they were out.
Six is the minimum
Some of my best networking has been done at cruising altitude. Don’t block your blessings man.
There is a sliding scale for the “don’t talk to me” dynamic. If a Victoria’s Secret model sits next to me, I’ll talk to her as much or as little as she wants. If a professional athlete sitting next to me wants to talk, I’m all for conversation. Same thing goes for a successful looking businessman/woman type.
However, if you’re a 60+ year-old woman with a cat on your sweater, I don’t want to hear your voice.
Touche. I’m not always in my travelers suit so I try not to write off a book based on its cover. Met my current boss at a museum and he was in a sweatshirt and dad jeans with his kids. Just saying, I’m always open for a conversation.
ABC
Fully agree. I was just about to say that I doubt this would be his attitude if a dime sat next to him and wanted to make conversation.
While this is generally good advice, I had someone about my age sit next to me on a flight one week. We started chatting during the last 15 minutes of the flight, LinkedIn requested one another after de-boarding, and that’s how I made my first adult friend outside of work.
Unless you’re a hot girl. Then I want to talk to you. But you probably don’t want to talk to me.
That’s not exclusive to airplanes though.
At least most people can just ignore. Imagine walking through an airport in a pilots uniform. As soon as I step in the door, on a daily basis, I become the master of all knowledge of where all flights are leaving at any given time; if they are on time for not, location of every single gate, bathroom, restaurant, baggage claim, security check point, exit and entrance in the nations airports. Also on any given day I’m asked no more than twice if I’m old enough to fly, how long I have been and an asked but everyone and their mom what a daily schedule is like.
I’m a flight attendant so I feel ya. Walking from one end of the terminal to the other to get McDonald’s, I’ll have my earbuds in, but the uniform seems to tell people I know everything about the airport (never mind the fact that I had never been in it until a month ago). I had a lady take my earbud out to ask me a question (that I didn’t know the answer to). Moral of the story? Your best bet if you have a question is the gate agents or the info desks, not necessarily the flight crews. We may have never even been in the airport before that day.
Cool story bro.
It actually was, Josh
I always pull up some Netflix on my phone and am usually pretty solid. I spend my whole day talking to people, this is my time.
Who cares
Eat a dick, mayonnaise tits.
Solid comeback assbucket
Wear fucking socks you animal