Don’t Be “That Couple”

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In today’s society, it seems people associate a lot of their own self-worth with their better half. You know these types, and they are just plain awful. Easy to identify, but they are blissfully ignorant of their own shittiness.

In a world where a hook-up is a swipe away and social media is always bombarding us with engagement photos, our generation is at the beginning of its “everyone’s getting married” phase, and it is inevitable that people are dating the first person that laughs at their stupid “How much does a polar bear weigh?” joke. The pressure to be in a relationship is real. Personally, I’d rather be alone than resort to using algorithms to match me with some crazy cat person, but hey, different strokes for different folks.

There are many identifiers for cataloging “that couple.” They might even be the meta-“that couple” by explicitly referring to themselves as such. Stop speaking to them immediately. Like a David Attenborough documentary, we will take a little glimpse into the people that make us cringe and lose hope for society.

“Hi, this is my life partner/significant other/better half.”

People that refer to their girlfriend or boyfriend as “significant other” are the worst. There are no two ways about it. Life seems to have become too politically correct. If you have to give them a title, boyfriend/girlfriend, fiancé or husband/wife is fine. I generally don’t care enough to know that information.

Thing One and Thing Two

Everyone has that friend who is great when they are single, but an absolute boner when they have a girlfriend. Soon, they can only be seen joined at the hip. It doesn’t matter if they’ve been dating two weeks or two years, their life focus is completely around their significant other. He will decline any party where she is not explicitly invited. Maybe she’d be invited if she didn’t beat her brow at me not preparing a vegan-friendly tailgate and then berate everyone there for not thinking of the planet. They turn a package deal, which becomes exhausting to try to put up with. They only talk about each other, which would be fine if they had anything remotely interesting to say.

Mr. and Mrs. Social Media

These people can’t take a shit without some Instagram album popping up about bae taking a fiery dump after their date night to Chipotle. If you scroll back a few, you can see the burrito that led to his blown o-ring that Mrs. Social Media took. Then, she’ll put something up with a sepia-filtered Pepto Bismol bottle to help him out, and they are one stop short of actually putting the shit on Instagram. Oftentimes, they have a joint Facebook account. The only people who get a pass with this are old people, because only one of them knows how to turn on the computer. These people are like the Truman Show that no one wanted. If they don’t tag each other in a picture of their dinner, did it even happen?

Head-Over-Heels

“Donny Dumbdick is now in a relationship with Betsy McBitch.” Now that they are FBO after meeting last weekend, these two lovebirds are already planning their lives together. She playfully tags him in cute puppy pictures, hinting for a dog to be a “trial run” to see if their burgeoning relationship can handle responsibility. He, being spineless and in love, caves in as they send out Snapchat pictures of dogs from the local rescue. This is great, except for the fact that they’ve been together for less than a month. In the course of the month, this power couple has met each other’s parents, adopted a puppy, and broken their leases to find a one-bedroom apartment together. This can only end badly.

Ike and Tina Turner

This couple fights. It’s their thing. They’ve broken up more times than anyone can remember, but keep coming back for more. Land, sea, and air — any place is the best place for their latest explosion. This is no way to live and makes for a terrible time, because they’ve each ruined a night out on more than one occasion. The makeup sex must be incredible to put up with given this much mutual abuse. Avoid these people like the plague.

The Poor Bastard

This guy is just along for the ride. He sold his soul. She drags him along like Michonne has her walkers in The Walking Dead. You’d feel bad for him if he didn’t do it to himself. This poor bastard is identified by sad eyes, vintage clothes because he has forgotten how to take care of himself, and a type of melancholy about him that would inspire Shakespeare to write a masterpiece. His existence will go something like this.

The metamorphosis from normal person to “that couple” would be hilarious if it wasn’t so sad. Watching your friend kowtow to his or her better half is like watching a train wreck, and thanks to their massive social media presence, you get a front row seat. On a larger scale, these situations have made me evaluate my friendships, sanity and ability to judge character.

It only gets worse. My friends are dropping like flies. Fraternity brothers are becoming eunuchs, buying selfie sticks and trading in their identity to become another version of “that couple.”

It started out with a kiss, how did it end up like this?.

Image via Shutterstock

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Madoff

I specialize in damage control, being the drunkest at any and all functions and social assassination. Always appreciate a strong gif game. Follow me on Twitter. Sometimes I put up cool stuff about golfing at the local dirt tracks.

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