Dominate The Office Holiday Crew: Independence Day

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1. Swing by Starbucks and grab a grande with a double shot. A tall may be your go-to, but a grande puts out a workman-like vibe that’s perfectly nestled between too subtle and try-hard. Grande is large enough to power you through the initial 4th of July office chatter, but not large enough to spike your bladder into overdrive.

2. Island vibe or patriotic. Maybe a combination of both. Those are really your only options on a day like today. No one that really matters will be in the office today, because a 4 day weekend > 3 day weekend. It’s pretty obvious. A silk button-down prominently featuring floral patterns, or just a classic red, white, and blue color scheme will suffice. If you catch any flak, squint your eyes and immediately dismiss whatever fun sponge dares to question you. It’s about to be this great country’s birthday, and so what if you’re celebrating already? Get a life, dork.

3. Limit the amount of laps you take around the office to one per hour. Anything more will give off the “mentally checked out vibe,” and while that may be the case, you don’t want everyone to know about it. One is a good number because it allows you to show that you’re not anti-social, but it’s not going to make it look like you’re politicking. That’s important. Social ladder climbers are bad, but shameless corporate ladder climbers are worse.

4. Keep your head down at your desk. You’re only a handful of hours away from roman candles, black cats, home run derby, boat drinks, and cigarettes. You can give off the busy vibe for a few hours.

5. Fake a few phone calls. There’s no doubt that you have at least 5 friends in the exact same boat as you, currently. You know, sitting there alternating between group texts, Instagram refreshes, and skipping songs on your iTunes. If you have an office, shut the door and hit up your buddy about his weekend plans. People will see the red light on your extension lit up and will leave you the fuck alone. If you’re out in the bullpen, or whatever fun and sportsy name they’ve given your cubicle dead zone, use your serious, slightly lower pitched, work voice along with super generic corporate speak when calling the squad. Can I say squad? I’m 30 (I feel 28), but I don’t feel great about it.

6. You will be asked what your plans for the Fourth are. You must be prepared. Even if your plan is to hit up the bars tonight, tomorrow, and Saturday, you need to work water into the mix somehow. I suggest responding with, “Headed out to the lake” because that’s super generic. If the question master continues grilling you and asks who you’re partying with, just say, “Oh, some buddies from college.” Alternatively, if you’re not exactly quick on your feet, tell a less grandiose lie. “I’m hitting up the pool all weekend” is a great one. Mention that you’re looking to crush some gainers. You shouldn’t have to lie about this. Find a fucking pool and crush some gainers this weekend.

7. If your boss calls in to check on the office, tell whoever answers that you need to talk to him. Don’t be the person that answers because it just gives off the try-hard vibe. Have a canned question about an account ready to go, as it well let your boss know you’re not only working, but you’re also conscious of his or her existence and seek guidance. You really care about what it is you’re doing, even when the micromanager isn’t there to micromanage. Oh, and unless it’s an absolute emergency, do not burden your boss with anything negative.

Your boss is probably gripping his ski boat’s wheel with one hand, and a Pacifico with the other, while towing his ungrateful little shit 12-year-old around on a tube. He doesn’t need that..

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Dave

Lawyer. Writer. Dude doing business. I'm the meatloaf guy from tv.

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