Columns

Desserts And Sweets In General Simply Aren’t That Good

Screen Shot 2017-09-14 at 11.00.13 AM

I take care of my teeth. I see a dentist for regular checkups and cleanings and I take pride in telling you that I floss twice a day.

Where many people see a teeth cleaning as a chore, I look at it as more of a party than anything. When you’re a regular flosser and brusher a teeth cleaning is no big deal.

I’m in and out of the chair in about twenty-five minutes and I usually receive a few compliments ranging from “I can tell you floss regularly,” to “Wow, you’ve got great teeth. Really super job here, John.”

So yesterday I sat in an unlit, small conference room trying to finish up a project that was already taking far longer than I had ever imagined it would. My hope was that by sitting in this room with the lights off I would be unbothered by the rest of the faculty in my office who I’ve come to loathe with the fire of a thousand suns. You see the problem with working a job you don’t really like is that any interaction with coworkers slowly but surely becomes an annoyance. It doesn’t matter if these people are nice and it doesn’t matter what it is that they’re talking to you about. The only thing that matters is that you hate that job, and by extension, you can’t really stand the people that surround you at said job.

What I didn’t realize on this particular day until it was too late was that this small conference room where I sat trying to avoid everyone housed a large bowl of Halloween candy. The bowl was filled with an assortment of name brand chocolates, Jolly Ranchers, and I think I even saw a Take 5 or two in there.

This, of course meant, that a never ending parade of disgusting slobs were popping into my workspace to snag chocolates whenever they had a free moment. In and out they came, like moth to flame and all I could do was sit there and shake my head in disapproval.

Am I saying I’m a better person than anyone who craves sweets on the regular? Absolutely. Hundo p, without a shadow of a doubt.

They all know in their heart of hearts that they shouldn’t be eating as much candy as they are and yet they continue to do so. I liken them to those cocaine-addled mice that psychologists study all of the time. The mice are given an option between cocaine and food and time and time again the mice choose the cocaine despite the fact that they are starving themselves to death.

I can’t wrap my head around why everyone likes sweets so much. Where some people simply cannot resist a slice of cake at a wedding, I look at it and usually just pass. I can do without sweets forever if it came down to it.

I don’t have the itch to just sit down and eat chocolate, ice cream, or sugary sweets like so many of my friends and family members.

I know people who absolutely have to have a bowl of ice cream after a hearty meal. I know people who buy large bags of discounted Halloween candy on November 1st just to snack on in bed by themselves. It’s fucking repulsive. I just don’t understand it. I mean I guess at the crux of the argument I sort of get it. Eating candy is a lot like smoking cigarettes in some regards. No, you don’t look cool eating candy like you do when you’re ripping a heater but biologically speaking, those pleasure receptors in your brain are getting rewarded when you shovel your third fun size Snickers bar into your disgusting mouth. I just never find myself having a craving for them.

After a truly dank meal, you know what I want? More of what I just ate. Whether that’s pizza, steak with blue cheese crumbles, or sushi, the only thing I can think about is how to acquire more of what I’ve just had.

Ice cream is never really on the brain. Nor is a candy bar or some other kind of sugary treat.

Put the candy down and walk away slowly. You could probably stand to lose a little fat in your face as it is.

Image via Youtube

Email this to a friend

Johnny D

fashion icon. @dudaronomy on twitter. e-mail: jduda10@gmail.com

44 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account

Show Comments

For More Photos and Content

Latest podcasts

Download Our App

Take PGP with you. Get

New Stories

Load More