Dealing With Vacation Envy

Last week, a friend and contributor to this site made the smart decision to turn a mandated trip to be a groomsman into a full-blown beach vacation. I know this because he sent pictures and drunk texts. I was happy for the guy; he works his tail off in the public sector and gives at least 65 percent every day. He earned a vacation.

Yeah, he earned it, but it doesn’t mean I wasn’t a jealous prick every time I saw a picture of his weeklong escape from reality. Oh, you’re drinking a beer on the beach at 10 a.m.? I’m doing paperwork. Is that, oh man, you’re eating some fresh seafood and drinking a cocktail? I’m struggling through some cold calls. You had a tee time at a nice course this morning? I spilled coffee on my favorite pair of slacks.

Again, the guy earned it; I’m not hating on him for it. We all need some vacation in our lives. The problem is that when that vacation isn’t happening currently, you’re going to suffer from a horrible case of vacation envy. You can pretend that you’re a fucking saint and aren’t insanely jealous of the guy who’s escaped from cubicle hell for a few days, but I’ll stay petty and jealous. It’s impossible not to when I get back to my desk after a less than stellar convo with my boss and see a friend’s ridiculously staged Instagram picture in front of some tourist-attracting landmark.

Prime vacation season is winding down, and the longer you’ve been without the chance to be the chillest guy at the beach, the more wistfully you’ll be staring at your phone screen when you see a #beachlife picture roll on through your feed. In college, this wasn’t an issue. It seemed like vacations and spur of the moment getaways were abundant, and what the hell did you have to get away from anyways? Going back to college for a week, class and all, would still be a hell of a vacation compared to the mundanity of the real world. At the very least, you always knew you had a hell of a weekend to look forward to.

Nowadays, you’re staring at a weekend that, at its very best, will be a decently fun time in which you’ll spend too much money and wake up needing Advil for three days after. You can’t just get that full relaxation fix from a good weekend anymore. You need a vacation in your life, and to bring out vacation you. The vacation allows you the best of both worlds; the ability to reach a peak level of being shitfaced, but also the freedom to relax and work it off in peace. There’s nothing that can beat having zero worries and no one to answer to besides whoever had the pleasure of accompanying you on your quest to chill the fuck out for a week.

You need that in your life constantly; you crave it on a daily basis. So when you see someone getting something that you want so dearly, it’s natural to seethe with resentment for their vacation, in the same way that it was natural for Eagles fans to have mental breakdowns all over the internet after Sunday’s shitshow. It’s even worse when you legitimately don’t like the person posting the sweet picture, and obviously, it’s your first reaction to think to yourself, “Look at this fucking asshole driving in a rented convertible with the top down, complete douche……that looks really great though.”

I had a brief weekend getaway to take the edge off earlier this month, but seeing a friend’s pictures brought on a high amount of jealousy. When it happens to you, just remember that one day it’ll be your turn. You’ll be the one drinking local craft beers on the beach, enjoying a fresh marg at a local restaurant, and not having a care in the world except for how late you can sleep. Do your best to let your friend enjoy their moment in the sun, because one day it’ll be your time to bask in the envious glow of your friends.

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Kyle Bandujo

The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.

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