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Yesterday, Duda declared dating apps dead. Now, I don’t know who appointed him the Grim Reaper of mobile dating, the Angel of Death of swiping, but if he wants to be the coroner pronouncing the time of death, that’s his prerogative. I’ll just have to appoint myself Gotham’s White Knight, the Melisandre to the dating apps that are Jon Snow’s lifeless body, the dating app defibrillator.
Duda postulates that with dating apps, you find yourself in a never-ending cycle of the same monotonous conversations, and even when you get to an endpoint – say, scoring a phone number – you’re still hard-pressed to get that to materialize into anything substantial. Additionally, he doubles down, suggesting that a better tactic is to “go out into the jungle and cast a net. You’ve got to talk to people in real life, whether that’s at the bar, in a grocery store, or in a line at a hot dog stand at three in the morning drunk out of your mind,” (Duda J., 2017).
Here’s why Duda is wrong. Well, maybe not “wrong,” but rather, misguided. Dating apps are a tool. If I were to give someone a knife to cut into a steak, but they used the handle instead of the blade, they’d come back to me and say it “doesn’t work.” My counterpoint is that you’re not using the tool correctly. Dating apps are no different. They’re not for finding a pen pal. They’re not for strengthening your thumbs. It’s not a game. The ONE purpose of the tool is to put you in contact with someone in which there lies a mutual-ish attraction.
If you can’t go from getting a match to a date in less than 10-15 back and forths, (even less in most cases), you’re not using the tool correctly.
My main goal, every single time I interact on a dating app, is to steer the conversation towards a date. Right now, my go-to is talking about my neighborhood (Murray Hill), then asking if she’s been to Bar XYZ, and whether it’s a yes or a no, I’ll something like “it’s a cool spot; next Thursday?”
I recognize that getting this far into the conversation is a hurdle that Duda says is hard to even overcome. Sometimes he’s not wrong. I’ll get a match on Bumble, and the girl will say “hey” or “sup” or send me some dumb GIF. But if you’re not creative enough to steer the conversation onto the track you want it to be on, that’s your fault, and I can’t see how that somehow translates better to texting with someone you met drunk at the hotdog cart at 3 a.m. or being creative enough in a real-life face to face conversation.
Let me show you a real example:
Her: hey hey whatsup
Not a great opener. Now it’s my job to come up with something catchy enough to get a response. I’m not going to say something she’s heard from ten other guys. I’m going to say something creative enough that if she doesn’t come back with a response, I’m not sure she’d be able to hang with me in real life, anyway. So I came back with this:
Me: Oh you know, typical Wednesday night. Getting WAY too into the WNBA finals game. What about you
Her: Oh yea? I thought I was the only one who watched…
Why did this work? Because it’s not every day she hears from some dude that he’s watching a WNBA game. I said something creative enough to get her attention, and she bit on the hook.
Me: Think it might just be the two of us to be honest
And away we went. Then I found out we lived near each other in NYC, then I steered it towards talking about a bar, then bingo bango bongo, you ask them to go. You don’t become pen pals. You don’t talk about minutia like cooking dinner. You have to stand out from the crowd. The dating app is a tool to put you two in the same room, so to speak. If you can’t be witty on the app, I can’t comprehend how you can be in real life.
Now, Duda’s other example is that you get a phone number, but you never text her. Um, why the fuck not? To be fair, he says it’s because you probably went drinking with your buddies on Friday night and didn’t text her. Well, yeah. Everyone is out with their friends on Friday (including the person you’re supposed to text). That’s why I never do weekend first dates. Never. Wednesday or Thursday. Fuck, even a Tuesday. And don’t leave it open ended, like “would you be up for a drink this weekend?” The asker needs to be more definitive. “Oh, you’ve never been to the PGP Tavern?! That place is dope. Let’s go on Thursday.” Sidebar – ladies, I know I’m saying that this is what a guy has to do, but there’s nothing in the rule book that says you can’t ask a guy out, too. True story.
I do love the idea of meeting someone out, be it at a bar, or the grocery store (psycho move, but ‘tevs), or at the pizza place drunk at 3 a.m. The problem with this? I’ll wake up with a number and a drunk convo from the night before of a girl I was probably making out with at the bar, but neither of us really remember what the other one looks like, and the skepticism of “who the fuck was that rando” is a real barrier to entry.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve pulled a number, but had no idea who she was, or only had a vague recollection. And when I do get excited the next morning, thinking that the girl I met out was awesome, and I go to text her? The no response is almost 100%, probably because she was so drunk too she hardly remembers me, and why would she want to take a chance on a guy she barely remembers when there’s someone on Bumble who’s being funny and she can see pictures of him?
Meeting someone organically is becoming more and more romanticized with the rise of online dating. I get that in 25 years you want to be the one couple that actually met in some “meet cute” a la Serendipity (great flick). But we’ve been given a tool – be it Bumble, JSwipe, Hinge – that other generations didn’t have. My parents met on a blind date. Bumble? Basically the same thing except going into that first convo you know there’s already some form of mutual attraction.
If you’re one of those people who feels like they’re in the dating app spin cycle – hey sup not much hbu rinse repeat – you’re using the tool you’ve been given wildly wrong. Everything you say, you need to be thinking a few steps ahead, try and drive the conversation to a spot where it makes semi-sense to ask the other person on a date, go on the date, be witty and magnetic, fall in love, and then thank me on your 50th wedding anniversary that I was the one who reminded you that dating apps are not dead, if you know what the fuck you’re doing when you’re using them..
Respond
Boston Max
Spending my retirement fund at Trader Joe's and trying to remember to check my mailbox semi-regularly
@BostonMaxG
@boston_maxg
This is correct.
I will never understand why you would limit yourself to meeting someone strictly out in the wild when you have to be in the exact same spot at the exact same time. Seems to me you just lower your odds.
Me too. Makes no sense. If I’ve an app I’m not closing myself off to the real world. Ever. I’ll swipe while shitting (sorry ladies, but most of us do this) or on the couch watching whatever. If Duda’s main point is to cast the net wide, how does closing off additional avenues of meeting someone fit with that?
would def listen to a podcast of you and Duda arguing your opposing views on things
“Heaters in the City” – – hot takes about millenial life in the big city from two dudes who hardly ever see eye to eye. Can’t see how we don’t overtake Joe Rogan in downloads within the first month
So Max are you ready to move to a real neighborhood yet? Never a bad time to break a lease in Murray Hill.
Wrong. Love the ‘hood, love my building. Great place for me right now. The hate on Murray Hill is a lazy take on NYC neighborhoods
I mean, the stereotype is there for a reason. That said, it’s still the best ‘hood to be a frat-star in Manhattan, so you could do worse.
Milllion dollar idea
@producer micah make it happen
And hook me up with a mousepad por favor
Would def listen to a podcast of Boston Max smoke Duda’s trash takes
I think your expectations for humans here are way too high. Of the guys I message, 90% never say anything back, and of the 10% that do respond, 50% of those say send me a dick pic within the first 10 messages
90% say nothing back: lots of guy will swipe right like crazy, (numbers game), but if we match and there’s no attraction, you won’t get a reply.
Dick pics? Cost of doing business. I mean, sure, those guys are looney tunes, but that just means that of the 10 guys that talk to you at the bar, 5 of them are sending dick pics to girls on an app when he goes home shitfaced from the bar. These are shitty people, and it’s our (your) job to wade through the shit until you find someone nice and genuine. Nobody said it would be easy. But it’s the hard that makes it great.
“But it’s the hard that makes it great.”
The same could be said for the dick pics.
Every time a girl would compliment me for not sending a dick pic (please stop complimenting guys for not sexually assaulting your eyes), I would always send a picture of Richard Nixon and explain that I just wanted to fit in with all her other matches that obviously worked out so well.
That is amazing
Sup?
If you can’t carry on a conversation, in real life or on an app, you just suck
I think no matter how you slice it dating is just the worst. It’s exhausting and disappointing and I’ve learned to just never get my hopes up. Sucks that in my early 20’s I’ve become this way but I’m honestly just over it.
Just try and have fun with it, and don’t get too stressed. Eventually, everyone reaches the “oh shit” stage – in the northeast it’s between 29-32 – a lot of people have paired off, and people start getting way more serious about dating and finding a good match. Obviously, at 26, and in NYC, I’m ways away from the “oh shit” stage, so I’m just trying to have fun with it. If I go a while without a good date, or even go a while without any date, I’m comfortable knowing that as long as I’m putting myself in the right positions to succeed, that’s really all I can ask of myself.
Yeah I guess you both have a point. I had Bumble for about a month and then I deleted it because I would spend time trying to be creative just to get no response or end up on a date with someone who was super rude or very strange. Not to mention all my good friends are in serious relationships and push me toward every single guy they come across. It’s all just way too much and it’s just not fun anymore.
Sounds to me like, for girls, dating apps are taking a turn towards chat roulette.
Try Hinge
Seriously, met my boyfriend on there and can’t recommend it enough.
Jackie, I’m the same way. I haven’t had a real conversation on Bumble in 6 months.. You should see the insane stuff guys say to me, which I’m sure you experience too
Im curious as to what comments you get from guys? A few girls have told me that normal guys will send them dick pics randomly on Bumble but I just cant believe it!
I strongly urge you to go check out my Twitter and look at the conversations I have with dudes on Bumble.. Because they’re all terrible
I don’t really get why people want or expect to have good conversations on dating apps. That’s not what they’re for. They’re basically like speed dating – I’m cute, you’re cute, we were able to get some friendly banter going, let’s grab a drink and see if that’ll continue in person.
If you’re exchanging more than 7-8 messages with someone on a dating app, you’re doing it wrong.
Between work, school, and spending time with friends, my only night free for dates tends to be on sun (if it includes watching football). I have accepted I’m only on dating apps to cure random boredom. But I agree with your tactics, be direct and steer towards a date within the first few messages.
Sunday football date? Sup?
As long as I can wear my Jesus hates the steelers tshirt
#WentzWagon I know a Pitt bar that would be perfect for that
And the Giants are 0-5, everything if right with the world
I agree with you sir. I met my last and current gf on Tinder, after years of having no luck on all the apps. The problem is, similar to finding a job, you cant just rely on one thing to find a gf/job. People complain that they cant find another job because a recruiter wont respond to them, or they filled out one job application and nothing. Well theres a million ways to find a job these days, try them all! Same with dating, if you want to find a significant other, do whatever/everything it takes: dating apps, ask friends/family if they know any single people, join social clubs, sports leagues, networking events, approach someone at a grocery store etc. and your odds will go up!
I don’t think dating apps as a whole are dead; Bumble is still pretty good. But Tinder is completely shot. I said this yesterday, but everyone migrated off of there when people stopped looking for hookups and starting looking for relationships.
Tinder is alive and well in my neck of the woods.
I envy you. It’s completely useless where I live.
Hinge is the best of them all. It actually has classy folks (yes, there are a few misfits who you’ll see).
Dating apps are the most effective way to get yourself out there and in front of people you want to bang. How many girls do I meet in real life? Maybe like 5 new ones a week. Probably 3-4 of them have boyfriends/husbands, so my odds of meeting in the wild are slim.
One addendum to what Max said: don’t make the mistake of leaving the date for too long after matching. Longer you have to wait, the more likely they’re gonna flake.
If I didn’t live in such a crappy city for meeting people (Indy), you would have convinced me to re-download an app.
Hey now I miss Indy