These aren’t the bitter rantings of a lonely, single girl – I have a boyfriend. And no, I’m not here just so I could tell you all that I have a boyfriend. But there was a long period of time (we’re talking a couple years here), where I was between serious significant others. And do you know what every single person told me anytime I complained about the woes of singledom? Some variation of:
“It’ll happen when you least expect it. You’ve got to stop looking. That’s when it happens.”
Yeah, well, I’m calling bullshit on your shitty advice.
I’m not saying that people giving this advice don’t mean well. Their hearts, bless them, are in the right place. They’re just completely off-base. What they really mean to say is that you can’t just give up on life because you’re single, and you should probably mix some other things in to your day-to-day instead of just being depressed about how alone you are. You shouldn’t only focus on finding someone to be with – you’ve got to have other hobbies and life distractions. Besides, who wants to date an obsessive loser with no friends? Exactly. Furthermore, what if you don’t actually find someone to love? Nothing in life is guaranteed, and at least this way, you’ll have a killer downward dog or concert ticket stub collection.
We get it, people with significant others. You mean well. But you’re still giving the shittiest advice ever.
Think about it. When has doing absolutely nothing been the answer to anything, ever? I mean, I’m lazy so I would absolutely love for the whole “do nothing” mantra to be legit. But seriously, can you name one single, legitimate time where the correct advice was “do nothing and just sit back and wait for it to come to you?”
Yeah. That’s what I thought. Doing nothing is never the answer. You don’t hear people going around giving this type of advice:
“Hey, don’t worry about being unemployed. If you don’t focus on it too much, the right job will just come along.”
“You shouldn’t be stressed about college. Don’t worry about those extracurriculars. You’ll get into your dream school when you least expect it.”
“It burns when you pee? Nah, don’t worry about it. We’ve all been there. Just stop looking for answers.”
“You don’t have the money to pay for rent? Stop focusing so much on it. It’ll all work itself out.”
“Unplanned pregnancy? Don’t stress. If it’s meant to be, it’ll be.”
If someone said any of the above to me, I’d probably slap them across the face. Right after picking my jaw up from the floor. So if it isn’t okay to say “relax bro, do less” about life, why do people think that it’s valid advice for love?
I’m not saying that you’ve got to be on the love grind 100% of the time – again, no one is going to want to date you if you don’t at least have some hobbies/something to do when you’re not together – but at the very least, you need to keep your head on a swivel and always be aware and looking for potential love opportunities. You’ve got to go out. You have to be social. You have to actively seek out the type of people you want to date. You have to change out of your sweatpants and brush your hair. Even if it’s just minimally, you’ve got to try.
Again, you don’t have to download Tinder, Hinge, Bumble and God knows what other dating app, or spend hours and beaucoup dollars on the perfect Match/eHarmony/Farmers Only profile. I get it. It can be exhausting to swipe for hours on end. So yeah, give your fingers a break every once in awhile and take a step back, but don’t you dare ever stop trying entirely.
I’m sorry to be the one to break this to you. I know how badly you wanted the advice of your friend who totally didn’t expect to meet her significant other where/how/when she did, but I’m telling you now: it won’t happen like that. You’ve got to put some effort in, and that’s just the way it (and life) is. .