CrossFit Workouts For The Weekend Warrior

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Are you a CrossFit obsessed fitness junkie stuck in a corporate world that prevents you from spending every waking moment sweating out weakness in the box like your absurdly muscular heart desires? Are you hesitant to join a CrossFit gym because you fear the cavemen and cavewomen that inhabit it will eat you alive when they pick up the scent of fear on your scrawny body? Are you an everyday, average loser with no discernible muscle definition, a penchant for Netflix binging and no motivation to change your pathetic routine?

Prepare to have your fucking world rocked.

I’ve developed a revolutionary fitness program comprised of four WODs (workout of the day, you rookie scum) that will help you stay as vascular as humanly possible while you’re imprisoned in your office, keep you from being beaten to death with a kettle bell in the most hardcore of CrossFit boxes, or help you trick people into thinking you’ve ever done anything more physically challenging than watch eight consecutive episodes of Sons of Anarchy with no bathroom breaks. This program turns even the most mundane of daily tasks into muscle building exercises that will sculpt you into the office Adonis. You’ll be so fucking veiny that people will literally think you are about to explode and die. Your core will be so powerful that coworkers of the opposite sex will beg you just to make eye contact with them. Everyone that gazes upon your perfectly toned glutes will have a terrifying and possibly fatal orgasm.

Tape your dick to your leg, or do whatever you do to keep your vagina from flailing about, because it’s go time.

Monday’s WOD

10 reach over alarm slams (1 every 5 minutes)
3 minutes of hardcore toothbrushing
10,000 finger presses (between 9:00am-5:00pm)
30 toilet squats (3 sets)

We’re starting this week of universal domination off with reach over alarm slams. As soon as the bells from hell start to toll, reach across your body and slam down that snooze button as hard as you can. Be sure to get full extension with your arm, and keep your back flat to avoid pulling any muscles. You’ll be doing 10 of these over the course of 45 minutes. Showing up to work on time is for fucking losers.

We’ll follow those perfectly executed alarm slams with some hardcore toothbrushing that will leave your forearms looking like Mark McGwire’s, and your teeth void of any enamel. Do your best to maintain a circular motion throughout the course of these 3 minutes. Technique is everything, bitches. Feel that burn? That’s the demon of mediocrity that has possessed your body being pushed out by the righteousness of a physically fit heavenly angel.

After that intense toothbrush pump, we’ll crank out some finger presses to get those phalanges looking swole. Every click of your computer mouse is one finger press, and you better be clicking that mouse like you fucking mean it. This count goes on throughout the course of your workday. You might be saying, “But I can’t count to 10,000!” Excuses are for the weak, and the weak die alone.

Finally, we’ll end Monday with three sets of toilet squats. I don’t care if you’re constipated, or have completely run out of solid waste to expel from your disgusting bottom, you get in that restroom and fake a bowel movement if you have to. Drop that ass down to 90 degrees over the toilet and grunt like a wildebeest. Spread those three sets out to allow adequate recovery time and avoid questions from pestering superiors.

Tuesday’s WOD

3 Rounds For Time
30 coffee pot swings
10 water jug deadlifts
50 chair spins
20 cell phone finger slides

Today, we step things up notch and start off with some coffee pot swings. If you’re a real badass, you’ll make a scolding hot, fresh pot of joe and run the risk of covering your entire body in severe third degree burns. Don’t be a pussy. Get low and swing that pot all the way overhead. These are American coffee pot swings, not Russian. No communist weaklings allowed.

Next, we move to water jug deadlifts. For the advanced CrossFitter, I recommend using an unopened 5-gallon jug of H2O. Less experienced lifters will need to scale down in order to avoid injury and humiliation. Get deep, don’t let those knees buckle, and keep your back completely straight. I’ve seen a pretender throw a disc in his pitiful back by neglecting proper form during this intense exercise.

After that, sit your ass in that computer chair and spin like a fucking maniac. I want to see 50 full rotations. Don’t be afraid to throw up. If you puke, we’ll give you a t-shirt with a fucking clown on it that shows the world you demand to be taken seriously.

Finally, we’ll close out each round with cell phone finger slides. Take out your phone, turn on Candy Crush, and get to crushing the shit out of those horribly unhealthy sweets. Make every move like it’s your fucking last. Focus and intensity are key here.

People in the office might give you weird looks. Ignore them. Those are the pretenders that will never understand what it’s like to be a winner. Let them wallow in corporate mediocrity while you soar to the mountaintops of personal acceptance and swim in the waters of physical perfection.

Wednesday Rest And Recovery

Play Grand Theft Auto V or watch “House Hunters” for six hours. You’ve earned it.

Thursday’s WOD

20 empty pizza box jumps
10 trunk twists at McDonald’s drive thru
2 farmer’s walks with dual 30 racks (minimum 100 yards each)
500 shaft pumps (or bean flicks)

We’ll pick back up on Thursday with empty pizza box jumps. God knows you have at least one empty Domino’s box laying around your unkempt abode, you disgusting pig. Set that bad boy down, and get to jumping. Three inches might not seem like a tall obstacle to mount, but you’ll feel the burn in your muscly thighs soon enough.

Next, you’ll hit the McDonald’s drive thru for an all-American breakfast that has been helping seasoned athletes maintain their glorious physiques since time immemorial. The important thing here is to order enough food to complete 10 sets of trunk twists as you retrieve your food from the hardworking employee at the window. Your body needs an absurd amount of fuel to gain mass, so don’t hold back even if you have to spend $85.

Take it easy at the office, maybe work in some finger presses or coffee pot swings if you’re feeling crazy, but on the way home the real work begins. Hit Walmart and grab yourself two 30 racks of beer with which you’ll be performing a farmer’s walk to and from your vehicle. Park far enough away so that you can get in at least 100-yards of weakness elimination.

We’ll close out the day with 500 shaft pumps or bean flicks. Keep your forearms and abdomen tight throughout the workout. This is business AND pleasure.

Friday’s WOD

(500) 12-ounce curls
(5) 1.5 ounce toss backs
45 minutes of disoriented dancing
5 minutes of ferocious dry humping
2 minutes half-mast intercourse

Friday’s workout starts at happy hour. Get in 500 curls of your favorite 12-ounce beverage to ensure your biceps are looking ripe for all to behold. Maybe you see some ladies in the house that should be having your baby. Make sure you do these curls at an angle that lets them fully absorb the girth of your bis.

Then step things up a notch by moving on to 1.5 ounce toss backs of your favorite liquor. The success of the following three workouts depends entirely on your performance during the first two, so take this shit seriously and pick something strong. Don’t be a baby.

Next you’ll be doing 45 minutes of disoriented dancing. Flail around like the psychotic party animal that you are, and do your best to hold down the liquid fuel you’ve ingested. You’ll attract a mate in no time.

Once a member of the opposite sex has noticed your undeniably impressive body (due to the hard work you’ve put in all week), you’ll engage in 5 heated minutes of ferocious dry humping. This can take place on the dance floor, in the parking lot, or at a residence of your choosing.

After that, it’s time to close out the week with 2 minutes of half-mast intercourse. You’ve been working your ass off for 5 days, so there’s no need to finish strong. Just do what you can. Fuck it.

Thanks to Dustin in historic Darlington, MD for spawning this column idea.

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Ross Bolen

Ross Bolen is a New York Times Bestselling author, co-host of the Oysters, Clams & Cockles: Game of Thrones podcast, co-host of the Back Door Cover sports podcast, 2017 Masters attendee, bigger and more loyal Rockets, Astros and Texans fan than you, cheese enchilada aficionado, and nap god.

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