Cool Instagram, Bro

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Your Instagram pictures suck. It’s a belabored point, and it’s been written about ad nauseam, but it’s one I feel I need to make. Oh, you and the three people you hang out with every single goddamn Saturday are having brunch and overpriced drinks at a bar? NO WAY. Just be honest with yourself — there’s like a 75 percent chance there’s a picture with the same fucking people from 10 weeks ago at a different bar doing the exact same thing on your feed already.

I mean, let’s look at this logistically for a minute — after you get onto pic stitch so you can get that awesome close up of your bloody mary and put some stupid filter from VSCO on everything, you’re 15 minutes in the hole and have probably missed out on talking to that girl you were eyeing at the bar. Here’s some free advice: put your phone in your chinos and don’t look at it while you’re with company. It’s liberating. Be like me and enjoy those three-dollar miller lights while you try (unsuccessfully) to get that girl’s number who thinks she’s clever because she refers to football as “sportsball.”

I’ll be the first to admit that there are some really cool pictures on Instagram, but I’d go with 95 percent of the time those pictures are from like the National Geographic account or one of those accounts that only posts pictures of girls’ butts. What the fuck did people do before the advent of this egocentric phone application? Sure, people took pictures of themselves with their family/friends at a specific event, standing next to athletes, and pretending to hold up the leaning tower of pisa, but do you know what they didn’t do? They weren’t running around showing the pictures off to friends (because at the end of the day I truly believe nobody cares), and they sure as shit weren’t bringing their polaroid cameras to some shitty bar to have a poor person photoshoot.

Can you really afford that giant bottle of Moët? Or did you just flirt with some douchebag so you could get access to the table and in turn get that picture? I’m betting it’s the latter.

Remember when your grandma would sit you down on her couch and flip through what seemed like an endless number of photos from family vacations of yore? That shit was the worst. Like, yeah, Grandma, lemme feign interest in these pictures of my uncles playing high school hockey in Michigan while you talk about how much better her shitty kids were then the rest of the shitty kids. Instagram is the same way except we’re not just putting up with Grandma anymore, we’re tolerating every person that we’ve ever met. Nothing like seeing a picture of some bro you met ONE TIME at a networking event, shotgunning a beer at his alma mater’s homecoming, am I right? Instagram’s slogan is “capture and share the world’s moments.” How about “feigning interest in bullshit” or “making mundanity cool since 2010!”

I’m not saying don’t post on Instagram, but really what I’m saying is don’t post on Instagram. Let’s face it, anything you want to post has already been done, and there’s a pretty good chance it was done better. So next weekend when you’re day drinking for the millionth Saturday in a row, maybe just enjoy the moment instead of trying to get to that all important and elusive 11th like..

Image via Shutterstock

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Johnny D

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• jduda@grandex.co