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This is it, folks. The Big Enchilada. The Smoking Gun. The Whole Megillah. This is the grandaddy of conspiracy theories in my book. Yes, the conspiracy theory that Stevie Wonder is not blind.
Did I just blow your mind? This has been floating around the internet for some time now. It’s fairly common, but I still think it doesn’t get enough play. An A-list celeb, legend of the game, maybe the most famous blind person ever…has been faking it this whole time? Believe it.
So, what’s the evidence? What could possibly lead people to believe that Stevie Wonder isn’t blind?
Exhibit A:
This is the Tower 7 of the “Stevie Wonder ain’t blind” conspiracy. How does a blind person react that quickly? I know that blind, deaf and mute people have heightened senses that a waste of a human being like myself may not have. Is it possible that Stevie has some sort of sensory awareness about his environment? I can’t put it together. You can see everyone around him react to it. They react in a way you wouldn’t expect from a group of people who have just witnessed an honest-to-god miracle. Could be an industry-wide secret. This thing might go deeper than any of us ever thought.
Let’s break down some of the lesser known evidence…
Stevie claims to be synesthetic
Synesthesia is a phenomenon, an unconfirmed phenomenon, where people claim to be able to hear colors. If Stevie Wonder is blind, how does he know what colors look like? I know that being blind isn’t like just having your eyes closed, but this leads me to believe Stevie knows what colors look like. He understands the concept of colors. Hmm. This seems thin.
Stevie has been blind since birth
His retinas became detached after he was born six weeks premature. Okay, so now I feel pretty shitty about this whole column.
The Boy George Story
If there’s one person I trust to tell the truth, it’s Boy George. Gay people gossip in a way different from the average person. Gossip is Gospel in gay circles. They don’t mess around with falsities. The story goes that Stevie came over to Boy George at a party and began to playfully strangle him. How could Stevie possibly know where Boy George was, more specifically, where his neck was, and proceed to lay his hands on him?
The Oprah Incident
Oprah once gave Stevie Wonder a car. WHY WOULD ANYONE GIVE A BLIND MAN A CAR? That’s like giving a baby a handgun. Also, notice how Stevie goes in for a side hug with the guy by his side? I’m not privy to blind person etiquette, but my gut tells me that they must be prompted before physical contact is granted. Consent, if you will. Then, he looks right into his eyes. He looks right at him. This doesn’t add up.
He’s a huge basketball fan
Stevie Wonder is a courtside fixture at NBA games. I’m going to go to bat for him here. Sports is a total sensory experience. The sounds of a basketball game are enjoyable. There’s rhythm of dribbling, wet nylon cracking, squeaking of sneakers. I’d enjoy sports even if I was blind. Point for Stevie here.
The Michael Jackson picture
Here’s Stevie taking a picture of a wax statue of Michael Jackson. I rest my case.
Image via Kinja
Stevie Wonder is like one of a handful of people who can pull this off, IF he truly isn’t blind. The man is so legendary that it just simply doesn’t matter. He obviously could have used this uncommon trait as his signature to get in on the music business. He’s a legend and being blind is his thing. Fake it til you make it, really. The sad thing is, he’s so deep in the ruse that he can’t just come out tomorrow and not be blind. He’s committed to it and there’s no going back.
Verdict: He’s legally blind, but not totally blind. Say what you want about the detached retinas and premature birth, but I believe Stevie Wonder to be only partially blind. The degree of the severity remains to be…uh…um…discovered. That’s really the only explanation I have. The sunglasses and swaying only add to his mystique and aura. I say let it ride, man.
God bless you, Stevie..
Image via Shutterstock
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Brian McGannon
What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.
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If I was him, I would sit next to people and gently lean in and be like “that’s a cool sangy you’re eating but do you know what purple fucking sounds like? *explosion sound effect with mouth*”
Legitimately laughed out loud at this. So I’m stealing for future use. Will not attribute. Your words will vanish. I will reap the reward. Thank you.
How Stevie Wonder actually caught that microphone:
I’m convinced my dog didn’t really go blind because whenever I have food he knows exactly where my plate is and just watches me the entire time I eat. I’ve started calling him Stevie Wonder when he begs now.
This is one of my favorite conspiracy theories. Super pumped you wrote about it
I’ve decided to back off of the government conspiracies for awhile. Celebs seem safer.
On that note, “dead Avril Lavigne” is a wild one.
I mean, Blinkin caught an arrow out of the air in Robin Hood: Men in Tights…
I hate kansas, but I love Tombstone. Phenomenal username and pic.
Thanks, man
This isn’t even a conspiracy theory. This is full truth.
Real talk- my dad went blind in his thirties but I still let him drive the cart when we go golfing.
The fact that he can golf blind is more impressive to me than him even driving the cart.
I can’t imagine how spectacular a well hit shot would feel if you’re blind.
Real question: How much more difficult is it for him around / on the green as opposed to off the tee or second shot from fairway? How do you develop a (or keep the existing) sense of touch if you can’t read the green?
I mean, he’s pretty shitty at golf. I pretty much just line him up in the direction of the hole and tell him to hit. He’s more of a slam a few brewskis and smoke a stogie type golfer. I think just doing something outside the house is pretty nice since blind people are fairly helpless overall.
What are the blind people not telling us?
They have excellent memories and can also move things with their mind. Quite possibly are witches
I love this series.
“I like that you like it.” -Terry Benedict
Brian when are we doing a KC PGP meetup? Last time I tried to plan one alot of people said they would only come if you would show up.
I would show up regardless of if Brian is there. But would still prefer him be there.
In.
It’s not a conspiracy theory if it’s true
This one is awesome and all, but please block out 3 hours to devote to research on the conspiracy theory that Shakespeare’s works actually were written by Sir Francis Bacon. That one keeps me up at night sometimes.