There are a few personality traits that can ultimately doom you to an unhappy life. Being mean. Being smelly. And, of course, being a picky eater. Time and time again, people say that they want to end up with someone ~adventurous.~ Spontaneous. Someone eager to dig into the plate of life and spread their culinary wings. Which means, of course, that the picky eaters of the world have two options: hide our shameful food preferences or die alone.
I’m not sure why some of us are subjected to such an unattractive quality. Did our parents give in one too many times when we begged for chicken nuggets over real food? Did God just say, “fuck it” and went to work hungover, giving us taste buds that weren’t fully formed? Whatever the reason, being a picky eater is just about the worst quality a person can have. But if you’re one of those folks who enjoys pizza over pâté and burgers over buffalo testicles, just know that you’re not alone. Completely ostracized, sure, but not alone. And to those of you assholes who make picky eaters feel like shit, here are a few things you might not know about the most shunned minority in the world.
We’ll Try To Hide This Until Our Dying Days
The first rule of being a picky eater is: You don’t talk about being a picky eater. We know everyone hates us. We know people will judge us and scoff at us and talk shit when we ask for our dishes to be made specially and our checks to be separate because we didn’t take part in the appetizers of eyeballs, liver, and whatever other animal byproducts people want to slap an expensive price on and call a delicacy. So, what do we do? We lie. We pretend. We act like we’re just not in the mood for frog legs or that we ate a big lunch and just want a side salad, thank you very much. We’ll do whatever we can to protect our dirty little secret.
We Hate It Too
You know what sucks? Sitting around a table with friends and family, and everyone discussing what apps to order. Just that vision is enough to make me break out in a cold sweat. While our eyes shoot to the wings, the queso, and the otherwise non-offensive looking items, everyone around you is discussing dishes that make you want to gag. Steak tartare? Escargot? Literal brains? Seriously? Who actually wants to eat brains?! We sit there in a panic knowing that everyone is going to give us shit, force us to try something we hate, and insist that we’re wrong for not enjoying something that looks straight out of Survivor. If you think it’s torture to dine with us, don’t worry. We’re right there with you.
If we could dive head first into a pile of cooked snails and go on and on and on and on about how “delish” they are, we would. Fuck, we want to. The thing is, for picky eaters, we don’t look at that plate and think, “wow this is an exciting culinary adventure we want to be a part of.” We look at the pile of slimy shells and think, “why the fuck would I eat snails when I could have nachos?”
We’re Not Trying To Be Difficult
Seriously. We don’t want to have to order a burger at a seafood restaurant or ask for everything on the side. We know it’s annoying that we drench everything in ranch and ask for our meat to be cooked a little longer since seeing a pool of blood on our plates makes us queasy. We know it’s frustrating. We’re not trying to cause other people hardships. We’re just trying to enjoy the years of life we have left until our diets of Chick-fil-a sandwiches and Panda Express takes us prematurely in our sleep.
You’re Not Going To Change Us
It doesn’t matter how many times you try to shove raw squid down our throats and beg us to “just give it a taste.” Hell, sometimes we even will put the offensive looking item in our mouth just to make you happy (hi-oh!). But even if we try it, even if we really, truly try it, that doesn’t mean we’re going to like it. And no matter how many times you insist that calamari is delicious or that frog legs are truly a delight, unless we somehow undergo some sort of taste hypnosis or one day wake up liking tomatoes, telling us over and over again that anchovies are delicious will never make us change our minds or our taste buds.
But Yes, We Do Think You’re Better Than Us
It’s no secret that everyone thinks they’re better than picky eaters. I mean, don’t you just feel superior ordering something totally crazy off the menu when the friend next to you gets the grilled chicken sandwich? How about when you travel? Don’t you feel a tingle in your penis when you bite the head off of a fried scorpion as your less-adventurous friends gasp and screech? Trust us, you’re not alone. You’re absolutely correct in thinking this, even if we’ll deny it. We know that, in theory, there’s nothing “wrong” with being a picky eater. But as much as we proclaim that, we also know deep down that that is total shit. To everyone with a more mature palate, don’t worry. We know you’re better than us.
Still, if you’re a picky eater, just know that you’re not alone. Together, we can get through this. Together, we can live somewhat happy, somewhat successful lives full of chicken fingers, French fries, and well-done burgers.
For more picky eater support, go to pickyeatingadults.com and feel at peace in your life of horrible culinary preferences..